grief
So, when does my grief end? I never really thought about that until a few days ago. You'd think I'd have thought of that before, considering how many books I've read regarding losing a child but I never really thought about when I'd be done. I was running the track at the YMCA, talking (or rather huffing) with a friend and we got to talking about Ava. As we talked, I came to this realization that most of you probably already realize, but to me, it was eye-opening. My grief will never be over in this lifetime. When I am 80, I will still miss my little girl. I will still hurt for all that was lost, or that was never to be. Instead of it seeming like a death sentence though, I find it comforting. Knowing that my baby will always be a part of me, that God has allowed my heart to love so deeply, to know that I never have to be "over it."
merry christmas
alive...
So, even though things are tough right now, I thought I'd let you know we are still alive.
The other day, we got out all our Christmas stuff and one of the things that came out of hiding was a Little People Nativity set. Ephram has been having a hay-day with all the parts. The other day, all the parts got thrown into the toy box and so I decided to go rescue it. Well, I could find every part but the most important part- baby Jesus. Hmmm... where did it go? I looked through every conceivable place and still, no baby Jesus. So, I thought I'd go to Noah who always seems to know where all the random stuff is around the house. I said, "Noah, where is baby Jesus? I can't find him anywhere." He sort of looked at me for a few seconds and then said, "Well, He's not lost. He's in my heart."
Okay, the kid might actually be getting it (I still couldn't find the baby Jesus toy). So, the last few days, as we've been looking for Jesus, he keeps talking about how Jesus lives in his heart. I started out thinking we had lost the most important part of the nativity set and ended up thinking that it may be the most appropriate.
By the way, we found Jesus today. He was hiding under Ephram's bed behind a basket I SWORE I moved. :-) Is anyone else as hair-brained as me?
friends
shucks...
Life...
The kids have been adjusting to school life quite well. Noah continues to go to school like a champ. Zoe is struggling with going all day. She says it's too long. She loves to go on Fridays when she only goes for a half day. It's hard to send her out the door when she is upset, with tears in her eyes, saying she liked preschool better than kindergarten. I know it's what's best for her but it's kind of feels like she's ripping my heart out and stomping on it.
Ephram is finally walking!!! I can't remember if that happened the day of the last post or not, so if you already know, I'm sorry. :-) We are so excited for him and even more excited for non-calloused knees and clean hands. He is so proud of himself. He just cheeses this big crazy grin when he starts walking toward us. It melts this mommy's heart.
Josh is continuing to stay busy and enjoying having his own space in the house. His office is hopefully being carpeted on Friday. We can then start decorating a bit and getting his massive amount of books out and getting them onto shelves. This wife is tired of rifling through boxes every few days looking for a specific book or cord. :-) I know how much he will love having a place to call his own. He is staying busy working on graphic design projects and church stuff.
We had Fall Kickoff for church this past Sunday. One thing that we are really excited about is having all the kids come together for a time of worship. Each family got a CD with the 10 songs on it they will be singing this semester. This way, all the kids will learn the music. Each Sunday, they get their own live band and the kids are pumped. Zoe and Emmy got to help lead worship this past Sunday. What an amazing opportunity for her. Singing was the first thing Noah talked about on Monday morning. I love how much my kids love church. It solidifies that we are in the right church for us and that God is working in their lives.
Saturday is Family Fun Day in Allendale. We had it last year and had a blast!!! It is an amazing afternoon of fun for the kids and the adults had fun just talking and hanging out while the kids played. They have bounce houses, face painting, cotton candy, rides, and all kinds of fun stuff. There is also a silent auction and free food. It was a great success last year and a huge help to our family. I just loved how much my kids enjoyed themselves and all the other kids there. So, if you're looking for something to do on Satuday (the weather is supposed to be great!) from 3p-7p, head out to Allendale Middle School. It's right on Lake Michigan Drive between 64th and 68th avenue on the north side of the road (or mapquest it). It's guaranteed to be a great time. Hope to see you there!
it's a miracle
This is as close to a miracle as Josh walking though.
Ephram is walking!!!!
Look down to the last few posts. I have been post crazy over the last couple of hours.
Pictures to come later today. I borrowed my sister's camera cord to download some pics.
Much love.
pictures? what pictures?
The open house went absolutely amazing. The dedication ceremony was heart-tugging to say the least. The prayer that Pastor Jim Samra prayed was truly blessed. He prayed for the house to be a place where ministry is done, where our family is home, where people of GR can see what God has done, and many other things. We are amazed by God's blessing...and we are home!
The past few days have been nothing but normal. I'm back to cooking regular meals where we all sit down and eat. The kids are adjusting well to school. This momma is loving having the kids back in school for a bit every day.
I spent about 4 and a half hours working on finances with a friend today. We got all of our bills together, created a new budget for the new house, and generally got all the moving craziness under control. I was so overwhelmed with all the paperwork that she took it into her hands to help me get it done. I could never have done it without her. She is a strong Christian woman who only has our best interest at heart, making sure we are being responsible and wise with what the Lord has blessed us with.
I can't wait to show you all pics of the new house, but it will have to wait. Please be in prayer for Josh as he is nearing driver's training. He is a bit apprehensive (obviously so). Pray that the Lord reveals what plans he has for him, and that Josh's heart would follow along with the Lord's leading. Being able to drive will open up many new avenues for Josh such as going to seminary. We are continuously praying for God's guidance- for him to be the leader of our house. We are praying for clarity as we set out on this new journey of life after spinal cord injury.
family fun
FAMILY FUN DAY 2
SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 27
3 P.M. TO 7 P.M.
ALLENDALE MIDDLE SCHOOL
6561 LAKE MICHIGAN DR.
ALLENDALE, MI 49401
FREE INFLATABLES, CLOWNS, CRAFTS, WAGON RIDES, GAMES
PIZZA SUPPER (DONATION)
SILENT AUCTION
CAR SHOW
AND MUCH MORE!
Join us at the second annual Family Fun Day, a festival put on by a generous anc caring group of Shelly's friends from high school. All funds raised benefit Josh and Shelly and their ministries.
we're here!!!
The Open House starts at noon this Saturday. There is a dedication service from 12 to about 12:20 and then they will open up the house. All of the specialty items purchased to help Josh will be working. There will be someone in each of the rooms with equipment, demonstrating how things work. The ceiling lift will be going, the I-Bot (balancing wheelchair) will be performing many a stunt, and the elevator will be available for viewing. I hope many of you can see what an incredible blessing this house is and will be for many years to come.
Josh is really loving some space of his own. He has spent much of this week working on a graphic arts project for a company selling a type of honey as a cough suppressant for children. It is so great for him to have some space of his own to get work done in and have meetings in. This is the only room not completed but he's not complaining! He loves having a door he can close and get to work in.
The kids are adjusting quite well. Zoe seems to be having the hardest time. We went to a neighborhood picnic on Sunday night and she just sat in Josh's lap and would act like she was sleeping. She continuously asked for us to take her home. There are numerous girls in the neighborhood, but they are all older than she. Please be praying for her to make some special friends who will make her feel welcome.
Noah is adjusting to school with flying colors. This is his fourth year of school already so he's an old pro. He has been jumping on the bus with little to no hesitation and already has his bus driver wrapped around his little finger. She is already letting him open up the door to the bus- he thinks he's big stuff. In the mornings, he goes to a Kinder-care class. This is a class for kids whose parents work and are in half-day kindergarten. No, we don't work but Noah has already been in all-day school and we don't want to lessen the amount of time he spends at school. In the mornings is when he gets socialization with other kids who are part of the general ed. population. In the afternoons, he goes to an Intensive Kindergarten. This a self-contained class with 10 students so he is getting plenty of one on one attention. So far, we are very happy with his transition.
Ephram continues on his happy way, indifferent to the changes around him. He is starting to talk so much. He thinks he needs to hang with the big kids and has taken to screaming when they shut him out or don't let him try something himself. He continues to crack us up. He is still not walking (little stinker) but crawls at a shockingly fast speed. He loves to get in his stroller and walk his brother and sister to the bus stop.
We are starting to eat at home, as a family more which is great. Before the move, things were so chaotic it seemed like that fell off some. We are back to making it a priority and loving our time around the dinner table together. It makes me realize how special it is to take the time to sit together and just "be." Zoe has been setting an extra place for Ava so we all don't forget her. She was telling a neighbor she has a sister and then said so matter of fact that she is "dead" but she lives in heaven with Jesus. This poor woman did not know what to say. :-) We did not say that word at first but found that we avoided the concrete words because they were hard for us. We have since started saying the harder words because this is what our kids seem to understand the easiest and they don't have all the social understandings of what's appropriate and what's not. We have just disregarded the social norms and did what we thought was best for our kids.
I feel as though I have carried on and wrote a novel. Sorry about the lapse in posting. Our internet was very flighty at first and we finally have the glitches worked out (now if we could just get Comcast to bury that stupid wire...another story all together!). Blessings to you all...
moving in
Since Josh and Shelly still don't have internet connections, I thought I'd quickly let you all know that moving day went well. Actually, it was fabulous. Wonderful. Excellent. Amazing. Lots of strong arms from Greenhouse showed up to help. Plus two kind men and their big truck. Plus two of my old friends (old as in they've been friends a long time!) with delicious food for everyone. Everything was out of the old rental house and into the new house by around 4 or 5. By 7 p.m. all beds were made and the kitchen was pretty much unpacked. I'll let Shelly fill in the details of the kids' reactions and all the other feelings, but those are the bare details of a very wonderful day.
I've been at Shelly's every day since helping to get everything in its place. I watched on Saturday as she stood in her new kitchen making sandwiches, a very ordinary but very special sight. A friend called it claiming her territory in her new home. We're slowly making it feel like home, especially as we get out favorite items that have been packed away since the last move to the rental house. I'm so grateful to all those who have shown the love of God that lives in them by loving on our kids. What a gift of happiness in the midst of so much difficulty!
Jean (Shelly's mom)
the big day!!!
happy birthday part 2
32 years ago, around 8:00 in the evening if I remember correctly, Josh entered this world. He has brought so much joy to my life. He continues to make me laugh, encourage me, and lift me up to our heavenly Father. He continues to be a dedicated father and husband, and makes me proud almost every minute of the day. He continues to handle this hurdle in his life with dignity and poise which is only God given.
We are moving in on Friday if all goes as planned. The lower level will be finished in the beginning of September, but the upper level is very livable. I can't believe this if finally happening. I cannot wait for people to come in and see the house that God's people built. Pretty incredible.
I took the two older kids to Target this morning to buy daddy some presents. Each picked him out a DVD about Earthy produced by PBS and we all watched it together this afternoon. Zoe was the wrapping master and wrote out cards to Daddy (even filling out the one from me, signing it from "Shelly") and was beyond proud of herself! We went out to Carrabba's for dinner with my mom and dad and Holly and Jay. It was very nice. We then went on to meet a large group of friends later at a restaurant and had cake shaped like a bear (long story, don't ask!).
I am heading off to sleep. I have plenty to do to keep me busy before Friday so this little momma is hitting the hay!
happy birthday
08-08-08
Really amazing. :-)
Yesterday evening, Josh and I headed down to Marion, IN to be a part of a golf scramble to benefit our ministry and family. It was an uneventful night (this is saying a lot considering we stayed at a hotel- not easy for us newbies in the area of quadriplegia) and did not run in to any major difficulties. We arrived at the golf outing around 10:00 a.m. and were greeted by many family members and friends. The feeling of love was overwhelming to us both at times. For Josh, to return to his hometown, see so many familiar faces, many of whom he has not seen in years, and feel such a strong support system was amazing. He had a perpetual grin on his face. I love to see him glowing!
The outing was a complete success, with many friends and family putting in countless hours of hard work. We know how much people have sacrificed to make this outing a success. We say thank you from the bottom of our heart.
Josh had a chance to share from his heart during the lunch portion of the scramble. To hear how God continues to work in his life makes me a proud wife. :-) We have many dreams and are praying for God to put some clarity to the plan. We both know that God wants us to use this for his glory, we are just unsure how this will take place. Please be in prayer for us as we attempt to finish up our 501(c)3 status and have to have a clear, concise synopsis of what we are attempting to do. You know any form of a "synopsis" is difficult for me. I tend to run on and on and on... you get the picture.
We move in to our new home two weeks from today. The sod was laid yesterday and it looks absolutely amazing. The garage door is laid out in the garage, ready to be installed. I never thought I'd be so excited over either, but I am! Josh's lift system is ready to go, able to get him in and out of bed with ease, into the bathtub if he so chooses, and onto different workout equipment. The blessings just keep on coming.
Some friends are throwing us a housewarming party on Sunday (much undeserved but greatly appreciated) and we are getting excited. We just heard that the boys are invited so we are even more excited. Yes, Josh does care about the color of the towels, the light fixtures and most everything in between. He may not be your typical male, but that's what makes him who he is and why I like him so much!
Thank you to all of you who continue to follow us, pray for us, support us, and continually check up on us. We are truly blessed!
August 1st
Hijack
This is Jean, Shelly's mom, highjacking their blog to let you in on some exciting information. THE MOVE IN DATE HAS BEEN SET. Oh, well, maybe Shelly already mentioned that they will be moving into their wonderful new home on August 22. The house is in its final stages, with tile and plumbing and landscaping going in.
To celebrate and to help outfit this new home, Shelly's friends from Greenhouse, their church, are having a housewarming party on August 10, 2:00 p.m. at the church on 1513 E. Fulton SE, Grand Rapids, MI 49516. A number of friends and family received invitations, but we also wanted to open this up to Josh and Shelly's faithful friends on this blog. If you'd like to come, we'd love to have you there. Please letJulia132@aol.com know that you plan to attend. Shelly is registered at Bed Bath and Beyond and at Target.
To those of you who I KNOW will ask if I don't mention it here, my ankle is healing fine. I went to the surgeon yesterday and had the stitches removed from the 4" incisions on each side of my ankle. Lots of blood and drainage and bruising and swelling. Too much information? OK, I'll move on. I have a new, removable cast and in 2 weeks I can get rid of this knee cart and start walking on it. Anyone who wants to see the xray picture of the huge plate and screws that now reside in my ankle, just let me know. I have it in my purse!
As many of you know, tomorrow is the third anniversary of the day we lost Josh and Shelly's precious little Ava. We'll commemorate the day together as a family in the way that has become a tradition already. I have a "memory" craft for everyone to make. We'll bring our creations out to Ava's grave, and we'll let pink balloons go.
When we get close to these anniversaries, I still have to remind myself why I'm feeling sad and anxious. Perhaps its because these experiences and the feelings that go with them are not what God planned for us as human beings. When sin entered the world, so did the death of little ones like Ava, and so did the sadness and anxiousness. But we've still retained our original design within ourselves, that this is not the way it was meant to be. So we're surprised by the experience and by the feelings that go with it.
Well, I've gone on a lot longer than Shelly probably intended when she gave me permission to "highjack" their blog. Oh well, open the door and I'm gonna go through, broken ankle, tears over Ava and all...
July 23, 2008
"For I know the plans I have for you..."
Josh and I play this sick little game of what we would give to get back to July 31, 2005. This is the day before Ava died. This game also includes Josh not being hurt. We realize that we would give up any earthly possession to get back the life we had then. Funny thing is, we're not given this choice. Nothing I can do or say can make time turn back. The other "funny" thing is, I'm not sure I'd go back if it meant having to be the person I was then. I'm not sure I'd recognize who I was then, nor really like her. I was much more concerned with what people thought, especially what they thought of me. I now am mainly concerned with what God thinks of me. Who am I really out to please? Did all of this happen so that God could make me more like his Son? I surely don't like the situation I'm in, but I am trying to trust God, knowing he knows best.
Thank you for all your responses in regards to my feeling depressed. Yes, I realize meds can be a huge help. Yes, I realize exercise is a huge release. As of right now, I am working at them both. I take the kids to the YMCA 5 mornings a week to work off some stress. It works well with our schedule. I take off while Josh's caretaker is getting him ready for the day. I get home right about when he is getting out of our bedroom; just in time to share a cup of coffee together. Please continue to pray for me. I do not want to be a discouragement to my family or friends. I just want to feel some normal... I long for normalcy.
Life...
We have an official move in date: August 22!!!! We are so excited. As far as we understand, it will not change. Painting starts tomorrow and the upstairs floor are laid. Yaaaay! The kids were able to take their shoes off inside the house and slide around on the floors in their socks. They thought this was great fun. The floor looks gorgeous! I would love to post the latest pictures but can't which leads to my next point of business.
Last weekend, someone stole some things from our home. Not too much was taken, but it still has a tendency to make one feel unsafe. They took my laptop and our digital camera. I know it is only "stuff." It can always be replaced. The thing that bothers me the most is losing all our pictures. I got the laptop just a few weeks after Josh's accident and every picture since has been saved on that computer. It really makes me angry. It also makes me angry at myself for not saving them on discs also. These were the only copies. So, if you are stupid like me :-) go and make some copies. If any of you have any pictures that involve our family, we would love to get some copies. All of the pictures of the first few minutes of Ephram's life were there. In the past year and a month, he has changed dramatically. Then I can look at it from another perspective. I have all of Ava's pictures and no little girl. I have few pictures of my little bud but I still have him. Maybe I shouldn't complain huh?
Josh's nerve pain has gotten much better. Thank you to all of you who have been praying for this. We are still in the process of getting his spasms under control. He seems less frustrated with it as of late. He has been busy with church stuff and 311 stuff (our not for profit formed after the accident). He is speaking next Sunday morning at the West Michigan church camp service. I grew up here and love going back. The service is at 10:45 a.m. in Hastings, MI at Winding Creek Camp for any of you interested in stopping by. He has started working on graphic design again and has found that he can do it with minimal difficulty. This is a blessing. It's so refreshing to find something that still works like it did before the accident.
We have found an amazing woman who is joining our family three days a week to help around the house and with the kids. Her name is Kathy and Noah immediately started calling her "Aunt Kathy" with no instruction from us. She is a strong Christian woman who is a grandma in her early 50's. God has really blessed us with the right person for our family. Josh has even taken to her which is saying a lot! That sounded bad... my real meaning behind that is that it's hard for him to have people come over to help, because it seems to scream of all the changes our life has gone through in the past year and a half. All to say, we are so thankful that he really likes Kathy.
We had a great 4th of July. We took the fam to downtown GR and enjoyed the fireworks. Even Ephram enjoyed them. We weren't sure if he would love them or be scared, but he just watched in awe. We hit Taco Bell on the way home and the four of us were eating tacos at 12:30 in the morning. The kids thought it was great. I love to make memories like these.
So, why the big lull in updating? Life has been tough for me. I do not say this so you all can say "Oh poor you" but so that you can pray for me. I have been feeling pretty depressed and very overwhelmed. It's so frustrating to feel so down and just want everything to go away. I have been spending a lot of time listening to praise and worship music, trying to connect with God on a regular basis, even when it seems like the time is so short. I know I am going to the source of my happiness, but my discouragement continues to get me down. I look at how much I have to be thankful for, and I want to smack myself. Problem is, telling this so my heart is a different story. I finally made a trip to see my doctor this week and she had some suggestions. Please be in prayer for our family. Pray that I can be the wife and mother God intended me to be, not the mother who just wants to hole up in my room and just meet everyone's basic needs.
I have been realizing lately how short this life on Earth really is. Josh's paralysis and the years to come can loom over me and overwhelm me. It is then that I realize that in comparison to heaven and eternity, it is just a flash. I have been listening quite a bit (okay, incessantly) to a song called "Glory" by Selah and Nicole Nordeman. There is a part that says:
One day voices that lie will all be silenced
One day all that's divided will be whole again
One day death will retreat and wave it's white flag
One day love will defeat the strongest enemy.
So we wait,
For that one day
Come quickly
We want to see your Glory
Every knee falls down before thee
Every tongue offers you praise
With every hand raised
Singing Glory
To you and unto you only
We'll sing Glory to your name.
If you've not heard it, you've gotta go to Itunes right now and download it. So, why does this song strike me so soundly? The first line say that the voices that lie will be silenced. Those voices right now exist within my own head and I know whose they are. They are not God's. They are Satan's. He loves to tell me I am a failure and incapable. He loves to tell me that I don't deserve the love of a Father who died for me. I know he is wrong. I yearn for the day when all the lies will be gone.
The next line says that all that's divided will be whole again. I believe Josh's body is divided. It is divided into the functioning and nonfunctioning. When God's Glory is revealed Josh will be able to walk the streets of gold. His body will no longer be divided. Josh's paralysis will only continue until God says it is over, either when he is miraculously healed or God calls him home.
The third line says that death will longer be after the Lord returns. It is sometimes hard for my human mind to understand that one day, the fact that Ava died will no longer separate us. Death will be obsolete. I will be able to see her, smell her, hold her. When I think of a my sweet baby Ava, this is what I think of. Yes, I am clueless if I will still be able to see her as a baby in heaven, but this is what my Earthly mind yearns for. I'm sure that whatever it turns out to be in heaven will be beyond anything I could think of now.
The last line says that one day love will defeat the strongest enemy. The love that my Father has for me and for each and every one of us will defeat Satan. Wow. Do I sound like a preacher or what? I'm not trying to be preachy, just letting you know how God is using a song to speak to my hurting heart.
I think that's all for now. Thanks for reading, you have officially read a novel if you got all the way to the end. God bless!
Driven Scramble Golf Tournament
- It will be held at the 4.5 star Pilgrims Run in Sand Lake Michigan.
- $125 per person ($500 per team) includes green fees, cart, a practice bucket of balls, free Starbucks coffee, catered lunch, and an embroidered polo shirt.
- Proceeds to go to Josh Buck and 311 Ministries,
- Golf gear giveaways
Go to www.drivenscramble.com for more information and to sign up.
3 Birthday parties -- 1 day
Today we celebrated Noah, Zoe, and Ephram's birthdays. The Bucks, G-ma & pa Buck, G-ma & pa Syswerda, Grates, and Emersons were in attendance-- drinking beverage, eating chips, and devouring and 6 feet of sub.
All three kids opened presents, with the big hit being a trampoline purchased by G-ma & pa Buck and G-ma & pa Syswerda.
After we sang happy birthday (Noah played the mandolin... kinda), the adults sat outside on the patio and talked while the kids played in the sprinkler and screamed. It was a pretty great day.
One update that is very important... Shelly is feeling much better. The cortisone shot really did the trick. So between the hysterectomy and the nerve pain, Shelly is finally feeling pretty good. Amen! This topic deserves much more attention than this, but I'm still wanting to get to bed soon. I'll make Shelly post a little bit about it too.
Thanks. We love you all and are so thankful for your prayers.
Back at it
The momma is back in town! Today I went to the pain clinic and had an injection of cotizone shots into the effected area. As of right now, the pain is minimal which is a huge blessing. I think they finally have an idea what is going on so that feels reassuring.
Josh and I got married 8 years ago today. We got married on a gorgeous Friday evening in downtown Grand Rapids and rode up to our reception in a horse drawn carriage. It was an evening I'll never forget. Eight years later and still going strong.
Josh has been having a lot of nerve pain the past 24 hours. He was extremely discouraged this morning. He is laying next to me right now, unure of how well he will sleep. Please keep him in your prayers. The nerve pain is very difficult for Josh because it is a burning sensation and their is little he can do about it. Please pray that the Lord continues to uplift his spirits.
My cousin Erin was in town for her wedding shower this weekend. She lives in NYC so I don't get to see her too often and she is like my kindred soul. I love to spend time with her. She is getting married in October and Josh and I are taking a road trip out to the East Coast for the wedding. It was fun to see her and see how the plans are coming. I am hopefully going out in July for a night or two for her personal shower. She has been such a huge support to me and I would like to do the same for her. And, considering I'm her favorite cousin, I'd better be there... just kiddng!
Noah and Zoe are spending this week adjusting to being home. We don't have any big plans. We let them fill up the pool for the first time on Saturday. They loved jumping off the mini trampoline and into the water. Ephram loved watching them! I was hoping to get some pics but have had some trouble locating my camera charger. Woops. :-)
That's all the exciting news here. Zoe has her first ballet recital on Wednesday so I'll have to post some pics. G and G Buck are coming from Indiana to see her. She is psyched!
Shelly's home
There has been no treatment for the pain yet. Apparently that is not going to happen until June 9. Ridiculous.
On the upside, Shelly's oral pain meds are not leaving her flat on her back. The pain does get pretty bad every couple hours, but she also has moments when she feels pretty good.
More updates soon. Thank you for your prayers.
Josh posting
I just wanted to give you a few more details...
"Daddy, do I have school tomorrow?"
"No baby, today is your last day for the whole year."
"Oh. We are having a program with a CD with all the songs on it and we are dancing and stuff and all the mommies and daddies are coming. So you'll have to get somebody to bring you, right daddy?"
"Umm... absolutely baby."
They just need a normal routine. They are very resilient, and are very strong. But they are dealt with more than many of us deal with our whole lives. I just want them to be kids.
I don't know why we continue to roll out difficulty after difficulty around here, but I'm sick of it.
shelly...
I have 4 kids
Things on the homefront continue on as normal. Josh's mom and dad are in town for the holiday weekend. We will be cooking out with friends tomorrow here at the house. Josh and I have always loved entertaining, and that has not changed since the accident. We are looking forward to it.
So, today I was posed an interesting question that I seem to encounter very regularly. When other mothers see you out and about with a child or children, you are often asked how many children you have. After almost three years, I still do not have a great answer for that one. I have read of many mothers who have no problem with answering. Some answer with the number of children they have living, others just say the total number. Me, I'm a total number girl. The only problem is- sometimes the conversation continues to how old are they? Hmmm.. this one always gets me a bit nervous cause I realize this could lead into an uncomfortable conversation. I have even met one that says she has "two that walk and one that flies." I am not really comfortable with this answer. I'm still at the point where I usually say 4 unless I figure we may have time for the converstation to continue.
Just 3 weeks after Ava died, we went to some friends for dinner. They had some neighbors stop by to see our friend's new baby girl. When they were leaving they asked how many children we had and Josh replied two. I thought I was going to puke and punch him at the same time. I felt like we were not acknowledging who she is in our lives. Now, after almost 3 years, I find myself doing the same thing at times.
I remember reading somewhere that losing your parents is like losing your past, but losing your child is like losing your future. This really captures how I felt soon after we lost Ava. It left so many questions in my mind, what were we going to do now, would we move back to the home where she died, would our kids remember their little sister (I now see this is my responsibility)? How was I going to continue on living and still be a mom who functioned for the rest of the kids. I didn't want my kids to look back at this time and think, "this is when we lost my mom, not just my sister." I still desired for my kids to have a happy childhood. I wanted my kids to be able to look back and see how present the Lord was through this ordeal, how he continued to be faithful to us even when we couldn't see it through our sorrow.
I realize now how differently Josh and I reacted to Ava's death emotionally. This was addressed while we went to see an amazing Christian counselor for a few months. There were so many feelings hurt, so many things we wished we could have done different, but the past was over and we couldn't change them. But we could change how we started hadling the future. We realized it seemed a little screwed up, but if we wanted to continue our friendships with those who had fallen off the map, it was us who were going to have to make the effort. I really balked at this idea and then realized I was just being totally selfish. Just because I lost a child did not give me permission to become self-involved.
Josh and I made a promise to each other, less than 8 hours after Ava died, that we would talk to each other. There were so many horrible things running through my mind that I would never have admitted out loud. Josh started by saying something that I couldn't believe he would admit and it opened up a huge door of communication for us. I remember admitting to thoughts that I couldn't believe I had, but I did.
One other thing we said from the start was we were going to cling to God, knowing he had a plan- even if we couldn't see it. I knew I was not going to like his plan, I never would, but I have never doubted that God knows better than I do. Yes, I still want Ava back into our family, but this is not possible during our Earthly life. I believe, 100%, that we will again be reunited with her. This life is just a blink of an eye, I will have plently of time to enjoy her come heaven.
A guide
The overwhelming void that filled my entire being was all I could think about. I didn't dare shut my eyes because of the images that filled them when they were closed were too horrifying to recall. The loneliness while surrounded by all our loved ones did little to ease the pain. Eating was out of the question. I decided to drink black coffee because I liked it with cream. I wanted to do things differently, observe my pain in some inadequate way. I have read of another person doing this after grief. Guess I'm not so odd after all. Life took on a before and after era. Before Ava's accident and after. I remember watching Josh sleep the first night after she died and being amazed he could sleep. I was thankful that he could have a few minutes of escape. I recall sitting upstairs around 4 a.m., at my parent's house, with my mom, Holly and Josh's mom and just sitting there not knowing what to do. At times this desperate feeling that I needed to just DO something was overwhelming. I would pace and just yank at my hair, trying to make things right in my head. I wish could words could do justice to an emotion that I pray none of you will ever have to face.
Right now, I know what a family is experiencing, to a certain extent. Every story is different. Every person is different. But every Christian needs to make a willful decision to trust God. No matter how angry I go, no matter how little I understood, I knew deep down that my getting through this was not going to be successful if I didn't just lean on him. Those first few days, it was very hard to pray. It became more like guttural cries to a heavenly father who knew I was hurting. It meant acknowledging that God knew this was the plan for Ava from the start, but being really ticked. Ticked just doesn't do it any justice. Pissed, I was pissed. Why would God do this and what kind of a God was he to allow this to happen. I knew he could take my anger and my questions. But could I? Was I willing to really hear the truth if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I can say that nearly three years later that I still don't like the plan, nor do I like how it has affected my life, but I trust in an Almighty Father whose desire is to bring other's close to him.
There are various times when I realize that the memories are growing hazier, easier to deal with. Losing Ava is not the very first thing I think of when my feet hit the floor. I would say rarely does 10 minutes go by when I don't think of her after waking. Just recently, I got out one too many bowls for the dinner table (I got out 5 and only needed 4. Ephram is not eating out of a bowl just yet). It's been three years, and we didn't have her with us too long, but it shows how much a part of us she still is.
It is my desire for Ephram to realize that he is not a replacement. God knew from the beginning that he would be part of our family. I want him to grow up feeling like he has an extra special place in our family- that he was God's gift to us, out of pain and suffering came joy and restoration. Who could ask for a better gift?
As time has passed many of my friends said how they were so unsure what to say and what to do. I thought I may be able to give some words that may be helpful if they are anything like me. Number one, I knew Ava was in a better place. I didn't need people telling me that- I wanted her here with me. That comment came as a slap in the face many times. That whole "she's in a better place" could well be saved for a few months down the road. Number two, "you can always have more children." At this point, I didn't want more children, I wanted Ava. Number three- "I lost my grandma (aunt, uncle, cousin 68 year old mother) last month, I know what you're going through." I hated that one. Until you have lost a child, you don't know. Just like I don't know what it's like to lose a mother or father at a young age, or be a child who has lost a sibling. Don't claim to understand unless you really do. I clung to those who had lost a child and the knowledge and advice they could give me. Lastly, I know Ava was young. Those who had had early miscarriages cannot possibly know the grief of losing a living child, or of a having a birth where the baby was too young to survive. We held our babies. We saw their faces, Saw the potential for life. Don't get me wrong, I know miscarriage is heartbreaking, but please don't compare it. Comparisons are nasty, especially at the beginning of the grieving process.
So, what can you do? The day that Ava died, people started pouring in. All of these people needed to be fed and it was the last thing on my mind. One of my best friends quietly showed up, ordered pizza, lasagna, and salad and had it out for those who felt they could eat. I got a huge box full of toilet paper, paper towels, paper plates, cups, utensils and more Kleenex than we thought was necessary (only to find out it was). We used up every last one of those Kleenex. Someone brought treats for the kids, juice boxed, frozen kids meals, kids movies and easy toys for the kids to stay occupied with. Most of the time you want your living children around you but you are not really concious of what they need all the time. These things helped a ton the first weeks.
So, what did people say or do that helped and didn't hurt? It seemed like the less they said the better. Not because of what they said may offend me but because the hurt is so great, words often seem inadequate. Hugs, hugs, hugs. I just needed to feel the comfort of those around me. If you're a praying person, tell them you'll pray for them, but only if you really will. :-) Start calling them. We screened more phone calls than you can imagine but seeing your name pop up on my caller i.d. made me aware that you were reaching out. A few weeks out, some people stopped calling, the uncomfortable feelings of what they were going to say became too strong (the only reason I know this is because of conversations with friends over the past three years). Call anyway. I spent numerous days wondering why they didn't call and so I didn't call. Didn't we have a closer relationship than I had thought? Err on calling too much. They won't call you back if they really don't want to talk. Thank goodness for the 21st Century blessing of caller i.d.
I hope this hasn't come off as harsh or as though the ones that helped us after Ava died did it all wrong. That could not be further from the truth. We had an incredible support system that continues to this day. I know so many of you pray for us as we continue down this journey along with the new journey of Josh in a wheelchair.
Yes, life is complicated. But it is so short in the grand scheme of things. I know I will soon again be with my little girl and all of this grief and trusting will be truly worthwhile.
back home from the hospital
It's nice to be home. I came home yesterday in the late afternoon. Because Ephram is still not feeling great, the two of us stayed home from church and sent the rest of the troops on. Noah and Zoe came home talking about Paul and Silas and how their chains fell off!!! They were so excited about it and telling me the story. Noah was still talking about it this morning. I love hearing them getting so excited about the Bible. We spent the day doing lots of laying around. We did some slow work and my Aunt Jill came over to lend a helping hand. I'm not supposed to lift Ephram yet (6 weeks according to the nurse that called today) but that goes over like a lead balloon in this momma's mind. We relaxed together on the couch and took a nap together. Now Sheena is here from Kalamazoo to hang out for a few days. It's been a nice day.
I realized how proud I am of Josh today. We were talking to a friend who told us about an acquaintance of hers who is dealing with paralysis. This guy is having a really hard time (obviously so) but it made me realize how much Josh has just pushed on. Even when he feels like giving up and I get disheartened, he continues to get up every morning, not lay in bed all day, and at least attempt to live this new life. I hear how many others who are in the same boat as him just give up, don't really "live." I am the proud wife of a roller, who has decided to keep on going, even when it's tough.
Momma Time
I've gotten numerout comments asking how my mom is faring. She continues to heal well, slowly but surely. I may even surpass here in the recovery process over the next few days! :-) She is doing a great job taking care of me- dragging me to garage sales when I have an hours energy, or taking me to Hobby Lobby to look at stuff for the kids new rooms. We're definitely from the same mold. We have been having lots of fun. They are now out in Grand Haven having their first camping excursion of the year and they couldn't be more excited. She actually said she was more excited about this trip than their trips earlier this year to the Bahamas and Mexico. I thought she may have taken a few too many pain meds...
On another note, we finally got news of what the next step is in regard to her treatment. She met with the oncologist earlier this week. The doctor said (summarily), "Go home, live your life. You're cancer free!" There are no more treatments, no chemo, no radiation, no nohting. They are not even putting her on the cancer drug (not sure the name of it cause that's all my mom calls it) because it is used to fight cancer in the breasts and ovaries and she has neither! The doctor said that would be sort of a waste. My mom came out of that appointment feeling like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Now all she has to do is regain all her strength and she'll be good as new. She rocks. I wanna be like her someday (minus the cancer of course!). Thanks for all your prayers for her.
the home front
Just you know, this is the second posting of the day so read on if you didn't catch the first.
I took a quick trip home yesterday to see my kiddos. The two older kids are doing great, staying busy, and loving that they had Zach and Rachel to play with and now Grandma Buck has come! Does life get any better for a 4 and a 5 year old? Ephram is struggling with a virus which is not allowing Grandma B. to get too much sleep. He is running a high temp and just fussy all around. I saw him last night and had the chance to just hold him while he lays his sweet little head of my shoulder. He was not too fussy when I was there, but I know he was having a good few hours. I left about 6:30 and the little guy was ready to head off to bed. We did take him in because we were afraid it was his ears again (he is still on antibiotics from the last ear infection) but thankfully, it was not. The doctor said he just caught a virus so we will just let it run it's course.
Please be praying that Josh's mom can get enough sleep and feel like she can keep up with the craziness while at our home. She usually has the help of her hubby but he is off in Europe teaching a class. Poor him right? :-) He loves his job and rightfully so. Anyway, she will be doing all the work and needs an extra dose of stamina to get her through the next few days. Please keep her in your prayers.
Shelly reporting in
surgery day post 1
Shelley's surgery went very well this morning. She was in the operating room for just about an hour, and then she was in recovery for about an hour and a half. When she came out of recovery she felt pretty good... drugged up but good. Once she was in her room, we talked and she seemed ok.
I'm at home right now, but I'm going back to the hospital soon. I will post later tonight about what else I find out!
Thanks for all your prayers. Keep them coming!
Josh
New Pics
So, I'm going to give this picture thing a shot. I'll not be surprised if this doesn't work. My computer and I...we don't get along so well. :-)
This is Ephram and me at his big sister's "stone." We always tell the kids we're going to the place where we remember Ava and see her stone. This is Ephram's first experience with this. Last year he was too little to even get out of the car. This year he even got to sit in the grass!
Here is a pic of Ava's stone. Notice the sticks in front of the stone.
Here are all the goofy kids. The picture quality is terrible. Not sure why. Zoe looks like she has "buck" teeth. Get it?Hahaha. One funny thing to note. All the kids were gathered around the gravemarker and Ezekiel (4 years old with the tie-dye shirt) was crawling over the front of the stone. You could see Jason get really uncomfortable with what Zeke was doing and start to get after him. I laughed and said not to worry. If she were still here with us, he would be crawling all over her, beating her up, and we would just let it go. I like that they crawl all over her stone.
This is the last pic. Hopefully this blog doesn't take forever to load. This is right before we went out to eat with my parents for their 35th wedding anniversary. We had a great time and waaaay too much to eat. Isn't my husband a hottie?