God continues to work in my life. He has made himself more apparent over the last few months than the two years before. Yes, I know God was with us, yet I see him so much more clearly. This growth comes with a great amount of pain. I just read somewhere that "nothing grows on the mountaintops, it all grows in the valleys." 

I am in a valley. I can only look up. But you know what I see? I see a God who continues to be faithful to me who seems more real than he did yesterday or the day before. I am a woman falling apart on my own and yet God continues to hold me together. I have been crying out to him that the life I want, the one I deserve is nowhere to be found. He then reminds me what I really deserve...and it's ugly. I am an ugly person without God. I am selfish, judgmental, and angry. God takes these ugly things and works in my life in ways that I don't deserve. I am still these things. I am a work in progress. I am a woman who continues to try to figure out who I am in God.

This has been such a heartache for me over the last few months. Who am I? Am I a wife, mother, Christ-follower, friend? All these things are descriptions of me, but I seem to have lost ME. I really don't know who I am. I am confused. I am hurting. But I know one thing to be true. Without God, I am not me. So, I hold on to this one truth and continue on this journey. I look to his word and know that many went before me who feel the same as I do too. I pray for God to work in this ugly heart of mine and make it like his own. Show me who I am God, show me who I am in You.

two years

It's been two years since Josh's accident. Wow. Time flies and stands still at the same time. I amazed at how far he has come and how little he has come. I really believed he would walk again.  God had other plans. I realize he may walk again if science comes far enough or God decides a miracle is in order, but I thought he would walk again, like a year and a half ago.  Every once in a while, he will have a weird sensation or pain that makes me think that it's still possible, then reality hits. My husband is a quadraplegic. It sucks. Is that okay to say???

Outside of it being two years, we continue to carry on. Life has been tough the last two months. More things not related to this, but tough all the same. More ways I am learning to trust the God I love. Sometimes I feel like my heart may break, yet I make it through the day and wake up again the next morning. I am learning that God knows a heck of a lot more than I do. I knew that already, but I am learning again. I am learning it deeper, more fully; not without pain...but with my God.