Grief is complicated. It is all consuming. I know about grief. But I also know about the reprieve that God has given to me. I consider it a gift. An amazing one at that. But one I do not want all the time. Today, I want to miss my little girl. I went to a friends house tonight who just had a baby girl three days ago. She was yellow from jaundice, had dark hair galore and reminded me of my little girl. I came home and decided that I wanted to feel bad. Does that sound stupid? With Ava being gone for over three years, my grief is not usually as heart-wrenching on a day to day basis. It feels good to grieve sometimes. It makes her feel close. 

So, when does my grief end? I never really thought about that until a few days ago. You'd think I'd have thought of that before, considering how many books I've read regarding losing a child but I never really thought about when I'd be done. I was running the track at the YMCA, talking (or rather huffing) with a friend and we got to talking about Ava. As we talked, I came to this realization that most of you probably already realize, but to me, it was eye-opening. My grief will never be over in this lifetime. When I am 80, I will still miss my little girl. I will still hurt for all that was lost, or that was never to be. Instead of it seeming like a death sentence though, I find it comforting. Knowing that my baby will always be a part of me, that God has allowed my heart to love so deeply, to know that I never have to be "over it."

merry christmas

It's been a good day. I just finished putting away all the kids goodies from grandpa and grandma. We had a nice time celebrating Christmas with my parents today. I marvel at the fact that my God sent a baby to earth to save ME. He also sent that baby to save YOU. It becomes so simple when you try to explain it to your kids. It creates in me a child-like faith that I treasure. I serve an amazing God who has given me gifts beyond understanding and stood beside me while I went through the valleys. I am a fallen woman. A woman saved by grace. Now THAT'S  a Christmas present!


much has been happening around our home. as time progresses, I know that we will be letting you a little more into our lives. I really believe that God continues to teach me through each trial, error and success.  I'm sorry for the huge lull.  When things started getting crazy around here about a month ago, I really had every intention of putting up a new post.

So, even though things are tough right now, I thought I'd let you know we are still alive.  

The other day, we got out all our Christmas stuff and one of the things that came out of hiding was a Little People Nativity set. Ephram has been having a hay-day with all the parts. The other day, all the parts got thrown into the toy box and so I decided to go rescue it. Well, I could find every part but the most important part- baby Jesus. Hmmm... where did it go? I looked through every conceivable place and still, no baby Jesus. So, I thought I'd go to Noah who always seems to know where all the random stuff is around the house. I said, "Noah, where is baby Jesus? I can't find him anywhere."  He sort of looked at me for a few seconds and then said, "Well, He's not lost. He's in my heart."  

Okay, the kid might actually be getting it (I still couldn't find the baby Jesus toy). So, the last few days, as we've been looking for Jesus, he keeps talking about how Jesus lives in his heart. I started out thinking we had lost the most important part of the nativity set and ended up thinking that it may be the most appropriate.

By the way, we found Jesus today. He was hiding under Ephram's bed behind a basket I SWORE I moved. :-) Is anyone else as hair-brained as me?