I've been doing a lot of praying lately. For one specific thing. During my quiet time this morning, I was reading about answered prayer. It got me thinking.

What happens if God chooses not to answer the way I want Him to? I know He will answer. I just may not like his answer. It causes me to ask some questions that I am not sure I want the answer to.

There have been numerous times in my life where I prayed and the answer was no. I remember while doing CPR on Ava, crying out to God to save her, knowing HE could, but he chose not to. I remember after Josh got hurt, praying for God to heal him, yet again, he chose not to.

Why would I choose to follow a Lord who allows me so much pain? Why is there so much pain we have to suffer? Why does God choose to heal some and not others? So many questions that will probably not be answered on this side of heaven.

Then I remember. How would I have ever made it through the trials in life without him? HE was the one who sustained me through my grief. He was the one who stood by me when no one else knew what to say. He was the one who carried me through when I thought I could not take another breath.

So, what happens if God's answer is "no" to my ever pleading request?

I know God will still be God. I will not question his sovereignty. He has proved that to me time and again. I will continue to question pain. Why he chooses to heal some and not others. If praying for healing will change God's mind or if it is more for me.

All I know is that if I continue to seek God, and not rely on the things of this world, I will continue to be sustained by my Father, the one who created the Earth, the one who created me, the one who cares about me, the one who cares about my heart.

So, Josh finally refigured the blog so that we could have a comment section. He was highly irritated with it, but it's finally fixed!

Life has been going on like a real summer vacation. We have enjoyed days at the park, the lake, sprinklers on trampolines, and all kinds of summer fun. It has been gorgeous so we have been taking advantage of the weather.

Having this weather makes Josh want to move somewhere warm. His idea of warm is my idea of HOT! He is so often cold that having some warm weather is a welcome reprieve for him. Before his accident, he was always the hot one but now our roles have switched. Now, I am the one begging to turn on the a/c and he is the one saying "it's fine in here!"

It would not surprise me if we decided to eventually move to a warmer climate. We've heard from numerous different families who have moved to warmer climates after being injured. If that did happen, it's a few years in the making. We'll see where God leads us.

Josh has been spending a lot of time with his new website that he is about to open up. We are both passionate about helping people in times of crisis, so this is where God led. We are excited to see what God has in store.

It is our greatest desire to be a light for Christ. This desire often gets lost in the busyness of life, sin, or just our own selfish desires. We have been praying for God to make us more like his Son, but that change is hard. Our faults are obvious, our sins easy for all to see. We pray that God is going to use our ugliness for his kingdom.

We continue to cherish our time as a family. I am thankful for the gifts we have been given over the past few months. God has been ever present, even when things are/were difficult. When we felt like everything was falling apart, He gave us more of Himself. We continue to pursue him with abandon, being thankful that we are enjoying the journey.

4 Years

Saturday was a hard day for us. Ava went to heaven four years ago, August 1st.
We miss her. Lots.

We spent the day with my parents and sister and her family. We went to the graveyard, let balloons go, and made a craft to leave at her headstone. We ate lunch together and watched the kids play at my parents house. It was eerily similar to what we did the first 2 months after Ava died.

We would sit on the driveway in front of my parents house, watching (or hovering) while the kids would play. We would talk and cry. A lot.
So, this is what we did again. And it felt good. Good to remember, to reminisce, to even take the time to talk about what we remember that day.

It felt good to just have an Ava Day.