6 Years

Today is 6 years since we lost our precious Ava. 2 months 27 days was not long enough. Not enough time to capture a lifetime of memories.

I remember her scent, her painted pink toenails and her brother and sister calling her Baby Aba because neither of them could say their "v" sounds. I remember Noah biting her toes. I remember her belly laugh. What I wouldn't give to hear that sound again, coming from my sweet, baby girl.

But after six years, life has continued, even when I begged God for it it stop, when I begged for Him to take me too. After 6 years, the urgency is not always present or prevalent. There is a lot of the time where I feel pretty "normal".

But come the months of May to August and I feel like losing her was only a breath ago. I feel my heart race, my chest tighten, and my stomach begin to feel nauseous. Soon after Ava dying, I remember being desperate for mothers who had lost children to tell me how long the suffering lasts; how long will I feel this total emptiness? Little did I know then what a long road it would be. Little did I know I would treasure the heartache when it comes because it makes her feel close, real.

To say that Ava's death was only really about Ava would be misleading. Ava and God go hand in hand. I rarely think about one without thinking about the other. It's sort of like a marriage, this joining of two people, and after a time, you're just one. Somehow, Ava and God are so connected, interwoven together that it is just natural to talk about God when I speak of or remember Ava?

How could I not see God's mercy when I look into the face of my four year old? His sweet sweaty face, hair clinging to his forehead, so engrossed in living the life God has given him, the little boy who never would have been if his big sister did not go to heaven so early. How clearly I have been shown His peace, even amidst the tears. That big God, who can do all that stuff loves me. I am a child of the King, and so is my Ava. We're coming baby!!!


JDiPerna said...

Thanks for coming back and sharing with us. You are an amazing person and I am so thankful to have you and your amazing crazy family in my life. Love you!!!

Jeannie said...

Thank you. I love you and your willingness to always share from the honesty of your soul. We are changed by grief and see through completely different eyes. Your "big mess" is so beautiful!! Love to you and Josh. We miss you.

Anonymous said...

So happy to see this post from you. I have wondered many times how you all are doing. Would love an update on the family! You and yours will continue to be in my prayers!

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