6/5/07 11:55 p.m.

I quit.

I'm tired, stressed, everyone needs more than I have to give. A group of people left my house a few minutes ago and left a huge mess. The baby is crying and really doesn't want anything in particular. My back hurts from getting Josh into bed. I'm frustrated at having to problem solve getting the heater close enough to Josh to keep him warm. I'm just frustrated. That's all there is to it.

I was leaving church on Sunday night, struggling to load three kids and too much stuff. I had finally gotten everyone buckled, and was pulling out feeling frustrated at how hard everything is when I saw a girl from church walking across the road with her three kids. Her husband had their youngest child on his shoulders and the older two were walking next to her. She was working hard at carrying her purse. :-) I was jealous. I admit it.

Tonight, a group of girls were talking about all the movies they've rented lately. I haven't been to Blockbuster since the accident. I felt like the odd man out that has nothing in common with the people I'm with. My life is so different than it used to be and today I feel yucky.

So, yes, I'm having one of those "life is too hard" moments. I'm feeling sorry for myself and starting to annoy myself. I try and remind myself that God knows how much I can handle and will give me no more. I need to remind him that I'm not that strong. I'm tired and my fuse is short.

I'm too tired to think of much. One thing to note. Our church is helping to throw a Boogie Skate at Terry Hall skating rink in Grandville. People were talking about it tonight. The skating rink is letting us use it and the entrance fee is a donation. The money will go to us (yaaaay!) to help us out with all our bills. I've not been roller skating in probably 15 years so it should be fun. Even though our church is sponsoring it, I was told to give the info out to blogland that everyone is invited. We would love to see you, meet you, talk to you and watch you show your moves on the roller rink!

I'm too tired. Please pray for my sanity and patience with my family.  Please pray that Ephram starts sleeping better at night. Pray that Josh is able to continue to handle the changes that have taken place in his life. Pray that we know how to be good parents to our kids while we keep throwing all kinds of changes at them.

Much love. Night-night.

6/2/07 10:20 p.m.

Josh has had some pretty decent days over the last few days. He has been busy going to therapy, being ranged, and hanging out with friends. Our house is a crazy house of people always coming and going, random people spending the night and other's on their way out. We also still have a lot of people from church coming and going and babysitters for the two older kids coming and going a few hours a day during the week.  All the help that we get around here is incredible.

Yesterday, Josh headed to the arts festival downtown. For those of you who are not from this area, once a year Grand Rapids sponsors an arts festival that consists of all kinds of music, dancing, art and many others. It is a huge festival and tons of fun. For therapy yesterday, Josh met his therapists downtown to work on getting around in this type of environment. Josh's brother drove Josh in the van and dropped him off a few blocks from where he needed to be be. Josh had to wheel himself 6 blocks and after he arrived, his batteries in his wheels were dead. He was pretty frustrated about this. He talked about how hard it is to be on your own and know that if something happens, no one is right next to him. He also said he feels like people do not respect people in chairs. He has spent the last half of his life towering over people and is now in a very different situation that is difficult to deal with. He struggles to see over the top of counters, looking people in the eye because they are so much taller and many other similar situations.

Today, we walked to the end of our road and took the kids to Sandy's Donut Shop. This is the second time Josh has done this and the kids love it. Josh got stuck on the sidewalks four or five times but didn't seem too frustrated. It's a nice little outing for the kids and something Josh can do with them. We also reap the benefits of the donuts once we arrive. We saw some neighborhood people there and it makes us feel like we're starting to make some connections here in this new west side area.

 The kids are doing well. Zoe has been making some comments about how she likes our old house better and wants to go back. I am a bit concerned about her and her adjustment. I think she is probably just venting, but I want her to be a well adjusted child who is not "damaged" by all the negative things going on around her. Both of our kids have had a lot to deal with in their short lives, and it's sometimes difficult for me to trust God to protect them, their little minds and hearts. One of the women I have met through this situation talks of how her daughter has had some emotional struggles a few years after her husband was injured. Please pray for God to protect our children and to give us the wisdom on how to handle this situation in the best way possible. I do not want our kids to feel like they missed out on something or that they got the short end of the stick in regards to the struggles we have gone through.

Ephram is getting bigger and bigger. He has been decently fussy today for the first time. We hope this is not the start of something! :-) There is always a lot going on around him and we could really use a good baby that sleeps well. The sleeping has gotten a bit better so mommy is feeling a bit better (the nap today was great too!). Zoe continues to dote on her little brother. Yesterday when she woke up, she skipped coming to mommy first and went to see her brother. She kissed all over his little head and made up a little song "I love you little guy." This is her term of endearment that she came up with all on her own. It cracks me up it's so cute!

Josh figured out how to drink a cup of cofee day before yesterday. We were both so excited. I don't like feeding him coffee because I'm always afraid I'll burn him and it's something difficult to drink when you have no control. Anyway, I had poured the coffee in a mug that is significantly smaller on the bottom and it gets wider at the top. After getting his balance centered, he is able to drink the entire cup independently! He had this huge grin on his face like he was so proud of himself. It was cute and I felt so proud of him.

Noah is almost done with school for the year. We are looking forward to having him home for the summer and Zoe having her playmate all day every day. Last year was hard before we got some of his behaviors under control. He is such a hyper little guy, he hits the floor running every morning, yelling and jumping about 2 minutes after getting out of bed. He is quite the little bundle of energy. Since Josh and I decided to put him on medication this past fall, everyone's lives, especially Noah's, is much more enjoyable. We don't worry about him so much and wonder what danger he will find next. Yes, he is still a handful, but he is so fun. He would swing and ride his bike from the second he got out of bed if allowed.

That's all for today. I am heading off to cuddle with my little boy. Much love.

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING!

-Prayer for our children and wisdom for us (the parents just trying to do the right thing)

-Emotional stability for Josh

05/30/07 9:00 p.m.

Sorry about the lack of postings as of late. I am trying to figure out where in my day this blogging stuff fits the best. We are glad to be back into a somewhat "normal" routine if that is what you call it. It is absolute insanity to try and keep up with everything that needs to be done. I took Josh to therapy today and it was nice to do something that felt normal. We showed the baby to a bunch of the girls that we got to know quite well while Josh was staying at MFB.  Josh was excited to show off his cute little boy.

Josh had a pretty good day today. He worked a lot on physical strengthening today while in therapy. Kristy has been really happy with how far Josh has come in his balance while sitting upright. He hangs his feet over the side of the mat table and works on sliding his buns across a "slide board". The slide board is a very smooth piece of wood that will hopefully one day allow him to transfer from chair to bed or chair to chair without the use of a lift. Right now, the PT's can help him do a board transfer but that is with Josh doing very little to assist. The PT's just know how to move him and are like Greek gods, they are so strong!

Yesterday was a bit of a harder day. Emotionally speaking, we are dealing with a lot and trying to figure out how to handle it in the best way possible. Josh was asking me if I thought he was okay with things and then said what if I just decide to not be okay with things. What does that look like? He said what if I just start being mean and bitter and getting mad at everyone, etc. Obviously this is not the option he is wanting to explore, he was just wondering what it entails. He asks such hard questions that I have absolutely no answers to and that are hard to hear. He needs to voice these frustrations and I know it is good for him to talk about these things, but it's hard for me to know what to say or how to comfort him.  The only thing I can do is neal next to his wheelchair and lay my head in his neck. This does seem to make us both feel better.

Josh's little brother, Geoffrey, is staying with us this week. They have been talking music all week and watching and listening to videos and music. This is right up Josh's alley. They are going to see a movie in the next few minutes. Josh loves getting out at night like he used to before the accident. I also enjoy a little quiet at night before I turn in. Most nights consist of pretty hard work right up to bedtime so I'm looking forward to a little down time in the next few minutes.

Ephram has slept better the last 2 nights. I don't feel like such a walking zombie when he sleeps a little better- and for that I am thankful. Most feeding sessions are taking around an hour and then he is going back to sleep quickly after he is done. This is much easier than long sessions of awake time during the night. :-) 

We have been getting a ton of help from different people and we are so thankful.  People are bringing food, coming in to help with Noah and Zoe and taking them for an occasional weekend away. More than anything, we continue to hear about how people are praying for us continuously. Thank you to all of you who continue to do this and bring our needs before God. Please continue to pray for Josh's body and that his body is restored 100%. We still believe...

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING!

-Emotional stability for our family

-Financial stability as bills are starting to come in

05/27/07 2:45 p.m.

Today is a bit of a more quiet day around home so I thought I'd take a few moments and let you know what is going on around here. Getting everything done in the mere 24 hours allotted to me is a bit of a challenge. After having Ephram almost a week ago, I am trying to recover but stay on top of things too. Josh still needs care, needs to be turned at night, kids still need meals and the baby needs to be fed (a lot- he's growing like a weed!). Then there are the day to day things that need to be done around the house. Today, the beds are not made and it's the middle of the afternoon, I have yet to brush my teeth or put on some makeup, but we did get a few things done around the house. Ephram continues to not be a great sleeper during the night, but he is doing better than the first night we had him home when he was a little stinker. Right now, he is up between 2-3 hours during the night, usually around the 3:00 hour and on. Sometimes he takes little cat-naps and sometimes he just likes to fuss a little. He is an absolute joy and Noah and Zoe cannot get enough of him the past few days. Yesterday, Noah wanted to help a lot which I love to see, coming from him. Zoe continues to be Ephram's second mommy and loves to wash her hands with sanitizer before she holds him. I think she likes the washing of the hands more than the holding, but hey, who knows?

Josh continues to struggle with the swollen feet and difficulties with his body temperature. These both are very frustrating for him. The feet issue has gotten a bit better since we started laying him on the mat table in the playroom with his feet on an ottoman. He lays flat on his back and then we put his feet up. It seems to be working quite well and he likes that he does not have to be in his bed in the middle of the day. He goes back to therapy three times a week starting tomorrow and is anxious to get back into the normal routine of knowing what to expect when.

We have had to great gains are surprises in regards to Josh's movement abilities over the last few weeks. He said today he is sick of his chair and tired of waiting to be healed. Yes, he is getting impatient at times, but he states the getting out of the chair as a fact, not a question. He continues to encourage me when I start questioning and reminds me to pray and ask with faith that he will be healed. Sometimes, it seems a bit foolish that he has to encourage me and not vice versa but I guess we both have our moments.

One thing that has gotten frustrating for both of us is the lack of a place to cuddle. We are both pretty cuddly people and Josh is really starting to miss that time together. We are starting to consider upping the timeline for getting a king-sized bed so that we can sleep and cuddle together. Right now, there is no place that will accommodate us both so we have a hard time with that. The other struggle for Josh is that he is not able to initiate things at will. If he were wanting to hug or kiss on one of the kids or me, he would just do it without thinking. He now is very limited in how much he can initiate with very limited use of his arms. He also has to wait until one of the kids is willing to quiet down enough to sit on his lap or spend some time reading a book together or something of the sort. He is also anxious to get a bigger bed so that the kids can get in our bed. Before the accident, the kids came into our room every morning and laid with us until we had enough energy to get going. He misses that time and is eager to recapture it.

Ephram DANIEL.  For those of you out there who have been asking what his middle name is. The reason we were not sharing it is because for the first few days after he was born, we were completely clueless on a middle name. We finally agreed on Daniel and think it suits him well. Josh wanted his middle name to be James, but I wasn't too hip on it. He tried to pull the "I'm in a wheelchair" card, but I didn't go for it! :-) I just downloaded some pics of him where you can actually see his face so I'll make sure to get post those as soon as Josh can help me. (I'm a bit computer illiterate with this program.)  Ephram does have a bit of jaundice so we were at the hospital lab twice in the past 2 days and we were encouraged to find out it is going down as of yesterday. He is the third out of fourth child of ours to have it so we weren't too worried. He did not even need a phototherapy blanket and has gotten better without any intervention from the doctors. His pediatrician said he looks great and is almost back to birth weight. He is only 3 ounces less.  Our little boy loves his food.

That's all for today. I want to get in a quick nap before church tonight so I'm signing off. Have a nice Memorial Day tomorrow.

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING

-Family stability and energy to made it through the days

-more movement and feeling in fingers and triceps

05/24/07 10:00 p.m.

So, lots of things have changed since my last post. As you know from my mom's post, Ephram is here!!! We are so excited to have him here with us and thankfully, out of my tummy! The last few days have been nothing but busyness and sleep deprivation. Little Ephram has his days and nights a little mixed up and we're working hard to get him on our schedule.  He seems to have a strong mind of his own and continues to sleep all day and want to look around all night. He is a total honey and is bringing us lots of joy and smiles.

Since losing Ava, both Josh and I have been relieved at how we have reacted to having a baby around the house again. We were not sure if we would be paralyzed by fear that something would happen or if we would react like normal parents with a normal amount of fear but still being able to function normally. We both feel like we are doing well with adjusting to having him around. We are much more aware of the dangers that surround our children (especially Ephram) but we know that God is watching out for our little guy.

Having the kids come up to the hospital on Monday night was priceless. Zoe was so exited, mouth covered and squealing, she came running into the room. Noah was interested for the first few seconds but then he was done. I was showing him Ephram's hands and he watched me pick up his hand and says, "Your fingers work?"  The next question was "Your legs work?" It became obvious very quickly that he thought me going to the hospital meant coming home in a wheelchair like daddy. It was so sad, yet so sweet and endearing. It was so nice to be able to explain to him that I would be home in 2 days with Ephram and that mommy would come home walking.

Both kids have loved holding him and kissing all over him. Zoe picked him up by herself for the first time today (we discouraged that very quickly), thankfully she did a good job. She always wants to give him his pacifier and sit next to me while he eats. She is being a wonderful big sister.  Noah is still not too interested. He likes saying he has a little brother and then going back outside to swing.

Josh is able to hold Ephram with the Boppy around his waist. The Boppy is a circular pad that goes around your stomach and lets Ephram lay on his lap while being very secure. Right now, that is about all he can do with him, but he enjoys what he can. He also likes to take the fingers with feeling and rub Ephram's  smooth baby cheeks.

Josh has not gone to therapy this week because of the way things worked around here. He was up at the hospital all day on Monday while Ephram was in the process of greeting us and Wednesday, he stayed home to welcome mommy and Ephram home from the hospital.

Tomorrow we start back on normal days with Josh heading back to therapy, getting up and ready for school, and Josh's mom being gone. She left this evening and was a huge help with Josh, turning him during the night and getting him ready for bed. Please be praying that we can get everything done that everyone needs, that Ephram starts sleeping at night and that the kids continue to do well. nighty-night.

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING

-Energy and a good attitude in taking care of our family

-Ephram's sleep schedule