7/14/07 11:45 p.m.

I know, I know, it's been a while. No good excuses, just lots of busyness and lots of emotional stress. The past 10 days have been the hardest for Josh emotionally since his accident. We spent almost one entire night up talking, crying and not sure where to go from here. So, a little background information. Not many changes in Josh's condition over the last month or so. He continues to get stronger with the muscles he has but nothing new has come back. What it really comes down to is Josh is losing hope. Hope that he will ever walk again. At least on this earth. Hope that God's plan for his life is to heal him. What if God's plan is to use this injury to bring him glory but to keep Josh in a chair for the rest of his life? We know what the chances are medically speaking. We are VERY aware of them but we also choose to concentrate on the power of God. We know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is capable of healing Josh. Be it overnight or in small increments. We don't really care how it happens, we just plead with God to do so. We also know that Josh will walk again- no doubt. We just desire him to walk during this lifetime and not before his new body when we get to heaven. Did that make sense? If you are not a Christian, you probably think I'm a little crazy in the head. :-)

Hope keeps us going. What does one do when hope is lost? This is terrifying for Josh. We read in many places that it takes 5-7 years to get to a point where you accept your limitations and move on. When we lost Ava, everyone said it would take 2 years for life to start a new sense of normal. We were finally getting to that point after 18 months. It was such a freeing feeling. A feeling of thankfulness to God for carrying us through the valley and getting us through the other side. The average of 5-7 years seems like a lifetime from now. We cannot think of it this way but continue to take it a day at a time.

Emotionally speaking, Josh has it so much harder than me. But he also has the power to try and make the changes he shoots for: to get stronger and tackle therapy, to keep up with electrically stimulating his muscles, to choose to have a good attitude and the list goes on and on. I feel powerless when he is struggling. When he feels defeated, I have to listen to him cry, feel him wrestle with his body when he is angry and not being able to move, and try and be the stable person in his life. I want to scream, cuss, spit, throw things, and be angry in general when he is upset. I want him to know how mad I am too, not to be the one to try and keep things in perspective. He needs me to encourage him, to put him to bed, to rub his sore shoulders, to quiet his leg spasms, to give him his meds, to feed him, to pray with him, to pray for him, to just be his wife. I want to be angry and be allowed to be angry for more than a few minutes. To be allowed to stomp out of the house and run away for a day. To not have to be the responsible one. If I don't get up with him in the middle of the night when he's dysreflexic, who will? Who loves him like I do? Only God could love him more and he's not the one getting up in the middle of the night to turn Josh. I need to be here. I need to be the one to love Josh when he needs me most. To be the support that he needs. To be there for him, for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or in health. These were my promises and I meant them. I just never imagined us to be here.

In the middle of the night the other night, we talked about our God. Who is this God we serve? When Josh was in the hospital in Miami, God was so close we felt like we could touch him. His nearness was palpable. The comfort he gave beyond words. That God is no less real. The God we know right now is sovereign, powerful, mighty. The God of comfort seems far away even though he is no further than he was 5 and a half months ago.  Why does it feel different now? Our "God of all comfort" is near, yet we continue to hurt. We continue to wonder how to make it to the next day.

Nighttime is better the last 2 weeks. Since figuring out the dysreflexia issues, sleep is more consistent. Fat feet are becoming more of a norm too because Josh cannot have his feet up all night. Fat feet lead to tight shoes and blisters. Blisters are discouraging. Night spasms are keeping Josh awake and causing his legs to jump on and off all night long. This also leads to blisters on his heels. Now he can only wear slippers or the shoes we cut he backs off of. He is tired of this. All these things continue to be something Josh has to deal with.

Not much luck with Blue Cross. I don't thing they like us! :-) I think they have caller I.D. and put the rudest person on the phone with me when I call. They probably don't like me arguing with them. Oh well, they have my money and I'm going to fight for it!

We did find out Josh can get a power chair through Medicaid so he will be getting a power chair. Just not the one to afford him all the independence he was hoping to accomplish with the I-BOT. We know that if God wants him in that chair, it will work out.

A few comments from people have led me to believe that the story of Josh's accident was never fully explained so I thought I would take a moment before I close and give some background info for those of you who never heard the whole story:

The whole story actually begins almost 2 years ago on August 1st of 2005. The day we lost our daughter Ava. She was sleeping in her bedroom on the second floor when the box fan, meant to cool her room, fell out of the window and into her crib. It pinned her face into the mattress and suffocated her. I never heard a thing on the baby monitor. Around 1 p.m. I went upstairs to wake her up and found her under the fan. I performed CPR for 7 minutes before the paramedics arrived and continued to try and revive her. After 45 minutes, they pronounced our little girl dead. Josh was not home. He found out on the phone on his way home to meet us. We got to hold her before they brought her to the funeral home and say goodbye together. It was horrible but wonderful to see our little girl one last time. We buried her in Allendale, under a beautiful tree where the breeze always seems to blow.

After much thought and prayer, we decided to try and have another baby. We found out in October we were expecting and we were soooo excited. This led to us deciding to have one last vacation before the baby arrived. Enter Cancun.

We arrived in Cancun on January 18. Our rooms were not ready when we arrived so we threw our bags into a room and headed to the beach. We laid around on the beach for about 20-30 minutes before the boys got restless and decided to go for a walk down the beach. After only walking a few hundred feet, they decided to go into the water. The waves were huge and there was a big drop off into the deeper water very quickly. Josh stood in the water, just above his knees, where the waves were crashing. He dove into one of the massive waves, a surface dive, and was turned upside down where his head hit the bottom. He was immediately paralyzed. He was not knocked out and knew immediately something was very wrong. He tried to get up to the surface of the water to breathe but was unable. Brad (our friend, along with his wife Sarah, who were vacationing with us) thought he was joking. After watching for a few seconds realized something was really wrong. He arrived to Josh at the same time as the lifeguard. They very carefully removed his body from the water. By this time he was unconcious and had swallowed lots of salt water.  While getting him on the beach, he started coughing up the water and came to on his own. A crowd gathered around him and this is what Sarah noticed. We got up to check out the commotion and I realized it was Josh. From the looks of his face, his color and the way his legs moved as the waves hit his legs on the shore, I was convinced something was very wrong. The paramedics came and brought us to a hospital in Cancun. While in the ambulance, Josh said over and over, "Get me out of here. Get me out of here." He was meaning out of Mexico and back to the U.S. We arrived at the hospital and his oxygen saturation levels were very low, even with oxygen. This is because of all the water in his lungs and losing the muscles in his abdomen and around his lungs to breathe. His diaphragm was doing all the work to breathe. They immediately put in a breathing tube and took X-Rays and a CT scan. It was obvious that he has broken his C5 vertebrae into 3 pieces. After deciding it was not compressing on his spinal cord, they said we could fly. We took a med flight on a Lear jet to Miami, about 12 hours after the accident. We arrived in Miami, my parents meeting us at the entrance to the ER (they were vacationing only about 45 minutes from Miami) Josh in a drug-induced coma. After a crazy day of everyone from home arriving in Miami, we found out that the bones were compressing his spinal cord and he needed emergency surgery. The surgery went well. After he got out of the surgery was the first time I could breathe and feel like he might survive. All of the doctors kept talking about "life-threatening" infections. Many of the doctors were amazed he had survived in the water and survived on his way to the hospital, now he had to beat the infections that would present themselves because of swallowing all the sandy salt-water. Those infections never arrived. God saved Josh for a purpose. After 2 weeks in Miami, we took another med flight into Grand Rapids (I have never been happier to be home in all my life!) and went straight to Mary Free Bed Rehab Hospital. Josh spent almost 3 months there.

You know the rest of the story, at least as far as it has been played out. We have now moved to a new home on the west side of Grand Rapids. God continues to protect our family. Seven weeks ago, a little boy named Ephram joined our family. He has brought us great joy, but will never be a replacement for Ava. We continue down this road, wondering where God will lead us and what he will be doing next...

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING!

-Emotional stability and healing

-Guidance in helping our children cope with all the changes they have gone through

7/6/07 11:00 p.m.

A little excitement around here. We knew it had to happen, and it did. Last night, Josh was out with friends. On his way back to the van, he had to go off a curb which he has done dozens of times. Well, this time, it didn't work. His foot plate hooked to the pavement and he flipped over forward. He did get his hands out in front of him, but he has very little strength in them so they didn't do too much good. He has road burn on his face and a cut above his eye. Other than that, he is fine. We were talking with PT Kristy on Monday and she was happy it hadn't happened yet, but also a little surprised. Well, it didn't last too much longer. We were talking about it today (and also practiced curbs a bit more) and she was saying that he needed to "go for it" when going off a curb. He was being too cautious (and if you know Josh, that is not the norm). When practicing today, he would do a wheelie and go off that way knowing the wheelie bars in the back would catch him if need be. It worked well.

Next, we worked on sliding board transfers and Josh did amazing!!! He did the best he ever has, by far! I was so excited for him. We are seeing so much improvement in this area over the last three weeks. He also made a batch of brownies which went quite well (other than the 1/2 cup of vegetable oil that landed in his lap). We cooked them when we got home and Zoe asked if daddy did them "all by himself?"  It's funny how much she understands that things are hard for her daddy.

We had a nice 4th of July. We went to the fireworks in Allendale which were okay. Nothing great but a lot easier to get to than the Grand Rapids fireworks. There are so many considerations to make concerning Josh right now. We knew walking over a mile to the fireworks and the massive crowds on the way back after it was over would not work very well. Allendale just seemed like the logical choice. We went with some friends and my mom and dad. The kids all had fun with sparklers and enjoyed the fireworks. Josh was disheartened seeing all the dads playing in the grass with their kids and he is not able. Being out in public and seeing how normal everyone else's life is makes it hard for Josh. There are so many massive adjustments he is going through right now. We just need to keep praying for him and for God to give him the strength to deal with this all.

We are continuing to struggle with Blue Cross. We have not gotten anywhere since this past Tuesday and we continue to try. We are also trying to see what God is trying to tell us to do with this situation. I do not want to be bitter about it, but I also know that we are not the only family dealing with unfair insurance issues. We have only until the 17th of this month before our insurance will be over so we have many decisions to make before this. Please be praying that we can be advocate for Josh and others who are in the same situation as us, but that we do it with the attitude of Christ and not out of anger.

much love, I'm off to bed...

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING

-guidance involving insurance

-Josh's emotional health

7/2/07 11:10 p.m.

Josh and I are sitting in the living room together, watching the Discovery channel, while we are shocking Josh's arms. This is slowly becoming a normal part of our day. Another routine we are doing daily to allow for Josh's body to heal.

The two older kids are staying with G & G Buck for 3 days. Both kids were so excited. Noah was excited to mow grass on Grandpa's tractor and Zoe just wants to be with Grandma every second of the day.  I'm sure they are having fun, staying up late, and eating lots of junk food! :-) That's what grandparents are for, I guess!

Josh had a good day of therapy today. We will not have it on Wednesday because of the 4th of July. I think he will enjoy having a day off. Today, he continued to work on sliding board transfers. He continues to get stronger and more proficient at moving his body in the ways needed. Improvement seems slow on a day to day scale, but when we look at what he was doing a month ago, progress is very obvious (and encouraging)! During OT, he lifted weights and worked on emptying his catheter bag independently. This will allow for him to go to work or be on his own for more than 3 or 4 hours at a time. Without emptying his bag, he will become dysreflexic (I hate that word!). This is just one more skill that will allow him more independence. This is only the second time he has attempted this and it went much smoother than last time. Other than one of the straps falling in the toilet, it went off without a hitch! Yes, we threw it in the trash!

We are continuing to have trouble with Josh's power wheelchair being approved by Blue Cross. They have not denied it outright, but they are now telling us we have to buy it outright and they will reimburse us what they will cover. The real issue is the fact that they will not tell us what they will cover until after we purchase the chair. We have no idea what they will cover, and are not encouraged by what we hear from others. Josh will be making a phone call to Blue Cross tomorrow morning so please be in prayer that something happens. We know that God has a plan for this, but it is so frustrating and my patience is being tested to the max!

Josh has gone 2 nights in a row without becoming dysreflexic during the night! We really feel like we have figured out what the problem is and are so thankful! These bits of encouragement make me realize that God cares about the little things- even how much sleep we get! Josh is able to go to sleep and not be uncomfortable, covered in sweat, all night through. What a blessing!

Ephram is starting to sleep better. He gets up every 3 hours to eat but is than going back to sleep quickly. This allows for all of us to get more sleep and mommy to be in a much better mood during the day. :-) This mommy needs lots of sleep! It has been a few nights since he has been up for an extended period during the night. Now that he is sleeping better and Josh's dysreflexia issues seem to be under control, sleeping is much more enjoyable!

That's all the news for today. Please remember to be in prayer tomorrow morning when Josh makes the phone call to Blue Cross! Pray that Josh is put in touch with the right person and we can get the information we need. God is able!

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING!

-Blue Cross and Blue Shield - pray that they agree to pay for the flight and inform us of what they will pay for Josh's chair

-emotional stability for our family during this time

6/5/07 11:55 p.m.

I quit.

I'm tired, stressed, everyone needs more than I have to give. A group of people left my house a few minutes ago and left a huge mess. The baby is crying and really doesn't want anything in particular. My back hurts from getting Josh into bed. I'm frustrated at having to problem solve getting the heater close enough to Josh to keep him warm. I'm just frustrated. That's all there is to it.

I was leaving church on Sunday night, struggling to load three kids and too much stuff. I had finally gotten everyone buckled, and was pulling out feeling frustrated at how hard everything is when I saw a girl from church walking across the road with her three kids. Her husband had their youngest child on his shoulders and the older two were walking next to her. She was working hard at carrying her purse. :-) I was jealous. I admit it.

Tonight, a group of girls were talking about all the movies they've rented lately. I haven't been to Blockbuster since the accident. I felt like the odd man out that has nothing in common with the people I'm with. My life is so different than it used to be and today I feel yucky.

So, yes, I'm having one of those "life is too hard" moments. I'm feeling sorry for myself and starting to annoy myself. I try and remind myself that God knows how much I can handle and will give me no more. I need to remind him that I'm not that strong. I'm tired and my fuse is short.

I'm too tired to think of much. One thing to note. Our church is helping to throw a Boogie Skate at Terry Hall skating rink in Grandville. People were talking about it tonight. The skating rink is letting us use it and the entrance fee is a donation. The money will go to us (yaaaay!) to help us out with all our bills. I've not been roller skating in probably 15 years so it should be fun. Even though our church is sponsoring it, I was told to give the info out to blogland that everyone is invited. We would love to see you, meet you, talk to you and watch you show your moves on the roller rink!

I'm too tired. Please pray for my sanity and patience with my family.  Please pray that Ephram starts sleeping better at night. Pray that Josh is able to continue to handle the changes that have taken place in his life. Pray that we know how to be good parents to our kids while we keep throwing all kinds of changes at them.

Much love. Night-night.

6/2/07 10:20 p.m.

Josh has had some pretty decent days over the last few days. He has been busy going to therapy, being ranged, and hanging out with friends. Our house is a crazy house of people always coming and going, random people spending the night and other's on their way out. We also still have a lot of people from church coming and going and babysitters for the two older kids coming and going a few hours a day during the week.  All the help that we get around here is incredible.

Yesterday, Josh headed to the arts festival downtown. For those of you who are not from this area, once a year Grand Rapids sponsors an arts festival that consists of all kinds of music, dancing, art and many others. It is a huge festival and tons of fun. For therapy yesterday, Josh met his therapists downtown to work on getting around in this type of environment. Josh's brother drove Josh in the van and dropped him off a few blocks from where he needed to be be. Josh had to wheel himself 6 blocks and after he arrived, his batteries in his wheels were dead. He was pretty frustrated about this. He talked about how hard it is to be on your own and know that if something happens, no one is right next to him. He also said he feels like people do not respect people in chairs. He has spent the last half of his life towering over people and is now in a very different situation that is difficult to deal with. He struggles to see over the top of counters, looking people in the eye because they are so much taller and many other similar situations.

Today, we walked to the end of our road and took the kids to Sandy's Donut Shop. This is the second time Josh has done this and the kids love it. Josh got stuck on the sidewalks four or five times but didn't seem too frustrated. It's a nice little outing for the kids and something Josh can do with them. We also reap the benefits of the donuts once we arrive. We saw some neighborhood people there and it makes us feel like we're starting to make some connections here in this new west side area.

 The kids are doing well. Zoe has been making some comments about how she likes our old house better and wants to go back. I am a bit concerned about her and her adjustment. I think she is probably just venting, but I want her to be a well adjusted child who is not "damaged" by all the negative things going on around her. Both of our kids have had a lot to deal with in their short lives, and it's sometimes difficult for me to trust God to protect them, their little minds and hearts. One of the women I have met through this situation talks of how her daughter has had some emotional struggles a few years after her husband was injured. Please pray for God to protect our children and to give us the wisdom on how to handle this situation in the best way possible. I do not want our kids to feel like they missed out on something or that they got the short end of the stick in regards to the struggles we have gone through.

Ephram is getting bigger and bigger. He has been decently fussy today for the first time. We hope this is not the start of something! :-) There is always a lot going on around him and we could really use a good baby that sleeps well. The sleeping has gotten a bit better so mommy is feeling a bit better (the nap today was great too!). Zoe continues to dote on her little brother. Yesterday when she woke up, she skipped coming to mommy first and went to see her brother. She kissed all over his little head and made up a little song "I love you little guy." This is her term of endearment that she came up with all on her own. It cracks me up it's so cute!

Josh figured out how to drink a cup of cofee day before yesterday. We were both so excited. I don't like feeding him coffee because I'm always afraid I'll burn him and it's something difficult to drink when you have no control. Anyway, I had poured the coffee in a mug that is significantly smaller on the bottom and it gets wider at the top. After getting his balance centered, he is able to drink the entire cup independently! He had this huge grin on his face like he was so proud of himself. It was cute and I felt so proud of him.

Noah is almost done with school for the year. We are looking forward to having him home for the summer and Zoe having her playmate all day every day. Last year was hard before we got some of his behaviors under control. He is such a hyper little guy, he hits the floor running every morning, yelling and jumping about 2 minutes after getting out of bed. He is quite the little bundle of energy. Since Josh and I decided to put him on medication this past fall, everyone's lives, especially Noah's, is much more enjoyable. We don't worry about him so much and wonder what danger he will find next. Yes, he is still a handful, but he is so fun. He would swing and ride his bike from the second he got out of bed if allowed.

That's all for today. I am heading off to cuddle with my little boy. Much love.

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING!

-Prayer for our children and wisdom for us (the parents just trying to do the right thing)

-Emotional stability for Josh