insecurity...

Satan is one crafty fellow. I hate him. I'm allowed to say that when it comes to the devil (for all of us moms of young children, you know what I mean). How is it that he know my insecurities and uses them against me every time? Why do I continue to fall for his sneaky lies? 

After Ava died, I asked people to pray very specifically that I would get the truth of God's sovereignty into my heart. God knew Ava's life on this earth would be short, and I didn't want to destroy myself with the never-ending "what if" questions. God granted that request a thousand times over. Yes, I wish it could have been different. Yes, it was terrible. Still is. But God is sovereign. He knew before time began the number of days Ava would be here with us. My abilities/inabilities as her mother could not change that. 

After Josh got hurt I still did not question God's sovereignty. I knew he could still use Josh in a mighty way. I knew he would give me the strength to handle whatever lay ahead. Yes, I prayed for a miracle (still do every once in a while) but the miracle I asked for was not granted. Still, I trusted. 

Now I lay here in my bed with the beginnings of an understanding of who God made me. I have been doubting myself so much over the past few months. I am realizing that doubting myself, when I have placed my life in His hands, is doubting God. Yes, I am worth loving, yes I am worth friendships, because of Christ. He has placed these needs and desires in me for a reason. He created ME. And that means I have to love me- because I am his. Wholely, totally, completely all His. This is where my self-worth comes from. So, all of Satan's craftiness has only brought me one step further in my walk with God. Yes, I still wonder who it is that God wants me to be, how he wants to use me, but I will continue to proclaim that I am worthy because of Christ!