"Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Okay, this isn't scripture but it is something that's been banging around in my head the past few days. It makes me realize how much my attitude ends up affecting me in the end. I'm not sure if I'm a happy person. I know I am a joyful person. Not sure that's the same.
I've had a tough couple of years. Somehow my fear of becoming bitter forces me to keep life in perspective. It makes me dig into my Bible and cling to God like I never would if my life had been easy. It has made my faith more real to me than I had ever thought it could be. I am a changed person because of the last four years. I think for the better. Yes, I still have LOTS of issues (ask anyone close to me and they could start a loooong list), but I continue to be refined.
On another note, Josh just finished drivers rehab. He has officially learned how to drive. He takes his driving test with the state of Michigan on Monday. Have you ever seen a quadriplegic try to parallel park? Pretty funny stuff. I can say that. I'm married to one and he knows I'm crazy about him! :-) He had a meeting with Michigan Rehab (a government funded program that helps people with disabilities get back to work and back to paying tax dollars) hoping that part of the cost of fixing the van for him to drive would be covered. It will cost between 35 and 40 thousand dollars. Shocker huh? (For those negative thinkers out there I am NOT asking for any money! I just thought the cost puts things in perspective.) Anyway, it was a no-go. I was pretty frustrated but Josh wasn't. That was the grace of God pouring on him. He and his rehab worker started putting together a plan of how he can get to school and then back to work. The poor guy would go crazy if he never went back to work. Anyway, he left feeling pretty excited about going back to school in the fall. It will probably take a while for us to get the van outfitted for him to drive, but it WILL happen. He is excited to take the kids places, run errands, meet friends. Normal things that I take for granted.
I'm going to cut this short. My sister just walked in the door. Notice, this is the second post this week. Be impressed. Be very impressed. It doesn't happen often! :-)
insecurity...
Satan is one crafty fellow. I hate him. I'm allowed to say that when it comes to the devil (for all of us moms of young children, you know what I mean). How is it that he know my insecurities and uses them against me every time? Why do I continue to fall for his sneaky lies?
After Ava died, I asked people to pray very specifically that I would get the truth of God's sovereignty into my heart. God knew Ava's life on this earth would be short, and I didn't want to destroy myself with the never-ending "what if" questions. God granted that request a thousand times over. Yes, I wish it could have been different. Yes, it was terrible. Still is. But God is sovereign. He knew before time began the number of days Ava would be here with us. My abilities/inabilities as her mother could not change that.
After Josh got hurt I still did not question God's sovereignty. I knew he could still use Josh in a mighty way. I knew he would give me the strength to handle whatever lay ahead. Yes, I prayed for a miracle (still do every once in a while) but the miracle I asked for was not granted. Still, I trusted.
Now I lay here in my bed with the beginnings of an understanding of who God made me. I have been doubting myself so much over the past few months. I am realizing that doubting myself, when I have placed my life in His hands, is doubting God. Yes, I am worth loving, yes I am worth friendships, because of Christ. He has placed these needs and desires in me for a reason. He created ME. And that means I have to love me- because I am his. Wholely, totally, completely all His. This is where my self-worth comes from. So, all of Satan's craftiness has only brought me one step further in my walk with God. Yes, I still wonder who it is that God wants me to be, how he wants to use me, but I will continue to proclaim that I am worthy because of Christ!
After Ava died, I asked people to pray very specifically that I would get the truth of God's sovereignty into my heart. God knew Ava's life on this earth would be short, and I didn't want to destroy myself with the never-ending "what if" questions. God granted that request a thousand times over. Yes, I wish it could have been different. Yes, it was terrible. Still is. But God is sovereign. He knew before time began the number of days Ava would be here with us. My abilities/inabilities as her mother could not change that.
After Josh got hurt I still did not question God's sovereignty. I knew he could still use Josh in a mighty way. I knew he would give me the strength to handle whatever lay ahead. Yes, I prayed for a miracle (still do every once in a while) but the miracle I asked for was not granted. Still, I trusted.
Now I lay here in my bed with the beginnings of an understanding of who God made me. I have been doubting myself so much over the past few months. I am realizing that doubting myself, when I have placed my life in His hands, is doubting God. Yes, I am worth loving, yes I am worth friendships, because of Christ. He has placed these needs and desires in me for a reason. He created ME. And that means I have to love me- because I am his. Wholely, totally, completely all His. This is where my self-worth comes from. So, all of Satan's craftiness has only brought me one step further in my walk with God. Yes, I still wonder who it is that God wants me to be, how he wants to use me, but I will continue to proclaim that I am worthy because of Christ!
real deal
(from Josh)
Most of you realize that I rarely post on this blog. The biggest reason is that due to a PC (Vista) issue I don't have voice recognition software. I am typing this with a thumb. :)
Shelly doesn't know that I am posting this. She is picking up some stuff at Meijer.
Shelly is the real deal. She is an amazing, Spirit filled woman of God. She daily spends time in Scripture. She is a great mom and wife and one of the best people and one of the best friends you could ever know. When she writes of her journey, she writes with complete honesty and humility. (you can all tell this).
She is a spiritual giant.
And we do have a lot of fun around here. Check out the YouTube video... "Movie Time"
NOTICE THAT SHELLY POSTED YESTERDAY!
Most of you realize that I rarely post on this blog. The biggest reason is that due to a PC (Vista) issue I don't have voice recognition software. I am typing this with a thumb. :)
Shelly doesn't know that I am posting this. She is picking up some stuff at Meijer.
Shelly is the real deal. She is an amazing, Spirit filled woman of God. She daily spends time in Scripture. She is a great mom and wife and one of the best people and one of the best friends you could ever know. When she writes of her journey, she writes with complete honesty and humility. (you can all tell this).
She is a spiritual giant.
And we do have a lot of fun around here. Check out the YouTube video... "Movie Time"
NOTICE THAT SHELLY POSTED YESTERDAY!
thank you
Thank you to all of my reader friends out there who have written such encouraging words for me. When Josh read what I had written, he was a bit taken aback and asked me if I was sure I wanted the whole world to be able to read some of my innermost thoughts and struggles. I thought about that and prayed very specifically for God to reveal His desires to me.
God has given me a passion for sincerity. This can sometimes be my downfall. Everyone knows what I'm thinking most of the time. Especially when I write on here. This is sort of my therapy. It gives me somewhere to process my thoughts on life and my relationship with Christ. God is doing a work in me and on my heart. I have been forced to look at things in me that are ugly and wish would just go away. God continues to follow me, encourage me, and tells me how much he loves me. Even when I mess up time and again.
Over the past week, my heart has been having a work done on it. My heart has felt more contentment than it has in a long time. I know this is not something I am doing but something that God is doing. I still am wondering a lot of things, same as before, but I am feeling much more at peace with it all.
Yes, I know many things about myself. I just wish that God would reveal to me now what all this "stuff" in my life is teaching me. Guess lots of these answers will have to wait until heaven.
Wanted you to know how much I appreciate your prayers. Please keep praying for my heart, that my desire would be whatever my Father's desire is.
God has given me a passion for sincerity. This can sometimes be my downfall. Everyone knows what I'm thinking most of the time. Especially when I write on here. This is sort of my therapy. It gives me somewhere to process my thoughts on life and my relationship with Christ. God is doing a work in me and on my heart. I have been forced to look at things in me that are ugly and wish would just go away. God continues to follow me, encourage me, and tells me how much he loves me. Even when I mess up time and again.
Over the past week, my heart has been having a work done on it. My heart has felt more contentment than it has in a long time. I know this is not something I am doing but something that God is doing. I still am wondering a lot of things, same as before, but I am feeling much more at peace with it all.
Yes, I know many things about myself. I just wish that God would reveal to me now what all this "stuff" in my life is teaching me. Guess lots of these answers will have to wait until heaven.
Wanted you to know how much I appreciate your prayers. Please keep praying for my heart, that my desire would be whatever my Father's desire is.
