7/29/07 11:20 p.m.

We have another very busy week coming up. I am trying to gear up- attempting to catch up on some sleep and working on having a positive attitude. I have felt overwhelmed more than not as of late. It's frustrating to feel like I cannot keep up or remember everything I am supposed to be doing or getting done. I continue to get a ton of help but am slowly taking control of our lives again, one task at a time.

Josh had a tough weekend. It seems like numerous things happened that have been like a small slap in the face. Many things are happening around us that are wonderful, but for Josh it is bittersweet. It's like a reminder of the things that he can no longer participate in or is no longer able to do. Some friends of ours moved into Eastown over the weekend which is a wonderful thing. They live about a 2 minute drive from our old house. Josh was saying that we should still be living in the old house and walking back and forth to the others house. We had so many plans, and so many of those plans have changed over the last six months. The way he describes it is "bittersweet".

It's funny that he described his feelings yesterday as bittersweet because that is exactly how I feel in regards to Ava. Wednesday will be two years and the best word to describe my feelings is bittersweet. Bitter because she is no longer with us but sweet for the time we had with her. Sweet for the fact that she is in such a better place than any of us are. Sweet that God decided to take her home and that she never had to experience the pain of this earth or the heartaches that come along with it. Although I wish every day that she was with us, I know she is in a much better place than me.

The kids were gone over the weekend with some friends. Zoe has been hesitant to go away from home but was very excited for this trip because they have a pool!!! I called on Saturday thinking I would be picking them up but she wanted to stay "one more sleep". So, they came home today. They also were able to go to our old church in Kalamazoo and see Jonah, a great friend of the two of them.  I love it when they enjoy spending time with their little friends. They are growing up so fast!

I am one tired momma and have little to say tonight, so I'll sign off early. Much love and God bless.

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING

-Our emotional health and patience levels

-spiritual growth through this journey

7/27/07 9:30 p.m.

We've had a very busy week. I'm really glad it's the weekend and that we may have a few moments to relax. The past few days have been a whirlwind of doctors appointments, therapy sessions, meetings and the like. Josh had a good week- for that we are thankful!  With his new computer, he has downloaded a version of Sim City. This is a video game of sorts he is able to play. For those of you unfamiliar with this game, it is a simulation game where you build your own city, have to earn and spend money, and try to get it to grow. Because it does not take quick hand movements, he is able to do this. He stayed up late two nights this week playing. It's nice for him to find something like this to enjoy.

Zoe and Ephram had their well-baby checks. Both got three shots. Ephram screamed bloody murder and Zoe was so brave. Her poor little lip stuck out so far and her eyes filled with tears, but she kept blinking them back. Why is it when your kids seem so helpless you love them all the more? After we were done she says, "that wasn't so bad!" I was so proud of how she behaved, knowing what was happening.

Josh went to a doctor's appointment today to see if he is a candidate for Lasik. Because he is unable to take his glasses on and off and clean them, he is very tired of them. He also smudges them easily when trying to push them back up his face. Anyway, the doctor said he is a great candidate and is scheduled to have it done August 23. We are very excited. He says he will also feel like he looks a bit more like himself without his glasses. Before the accident, he never wore his glasses, except around the house. He was a contact man, but, for some reason, he doesn't trust for me to put them in! :-)

Therapy continues for Josh. He continues to work on sliding board transfers, weight lifting and lots of functional skills. Today, he worked at looking up a number in the phone book and then he got a pop out of a pop machine. These tasks may seem a bit ridiculous to work at, but this is how we find out what he is capable of and what we need to work on. A lot of the time, we have to work on balance so he can do the task at hand and balance in his chair. Without any abdominal muscles, he has to work on his balance a TON!  Thinking back to a few months ago, he has come so far. He is able to do things with his hands and arms and still maintain his balance in his chair. A few months ago, he sat in his chair with a belt around his chest to keep him upright. But, no longer.

Today was a tough day. Actually, the last few days have been tough. When I get so busy trying to get phone calls placed, papers organized, insurance dealt with, kids loved on, husband loved on, and the basics of running a household, I can quickly become discouraged. I have running lists everywhere, yet they never seem to be quite completed.

On Wednesday, August 1st, Ava will have been gone two years. It's shocking how much are life has changed. Two years ago today, Ava was still here with us and Josh was still walking. Much has been very hard but there has been much joy. It's odd to think that Ephram would not be here if Ava were still alive. He has brought us so much joy. He is smiling so much in the mornings and still being a little fussy-pants in the evening. :-) He's a little bugger and we wouldn't have it any other way!

The two older kids are gone overnight, so I'm heading to bed early. Good night!

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Josh's fingers and triceps

-Stability (emotional, physical, financial, etc) for our family- God continues to bless us here!

7/23/07 11:15 p.m.

Wow, two blogs in two days! Is anyone out there impressed? :-) I know I have dropped off some as things are not changing as quickly as they were earlier in our journey. I write today to let you know that God answers prayer. Today we received a check from Blue Cross for our med flight from Cancun to Miami!!!! God is good and he hears our prayers! When we got the call today that they would covering the flight, my mom and I were screaming. I called PT Kristy and her first word was "Hallelujah!". We are so thankful.

Another reason to be thankful: God has put us in touch with some amazing men and women of God. We met with them at length in regards to building. We will be having another meeting on Thursday when many more details will be coming. Know this- God is providing for us beyond what we could ever dream. Even when I am so frustrated I could just sit down and cry, God is still there.  He is orchestrating so much in our lives. For those of you who may doubt the goodness of God's people, you need only look at our situation. The people of God continue to be used by God and amaze and bless us beyond measure. God is good.

So all these great things are happening so why did I have such a hard day? I don't know. I called my mom tonight and said of all these great things that are happening, why do I feel so poopy? Maybe it's because we're getting close to 2 years since we lost Ava, maybe it's because Josh is still not walking, maybe it's because Ephram is being a fussy-pants, maybe it's because I'm sleep deprived. Hmmmm.  I guess that I'll just have to accept not knowing and be thankful for the many blessings  in my life and not the struggles.

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING!!!

-meeting on Thursday regarding building

-emotional stability for all

7/22/07 11:05 p.m.

We had a nice weekend with lots of friends and had an amazing time at the golf outing. All in all, it was a good weekend.  The golf outing started out bright and early, but we didn't go until lunchtime. The weather could not have been more amazing and I could never have dreamed of all the people who would come out and support us. My uncle put in an amazing amount of work and (as far as I could tell) it went off without a hitch. Josh was so encouraged by it and his feeling encouraged is hard to come by!

We had friends over on Friday night and had some deep discussions about life. The guy who came over experienced the death of his mother just a hair over a month ago. It was very unexpected and has been very difficult. It got us talking about how, until something like this happens in your life, you always feel like you're invincible and nothing bad will ever happen to you. You also think that if it happens to someone close to you, you're chances are greatly decreased. It was a really screwed up conversation, fatalistic to say the least, yet a very real conversation. It's great to have friends that you can talk with about the very real things in life, even when they're difficult to talk about.

Last night was another night with friends. We had sushi around the table together and enjoyed each other's company. Things were light and carefree all night. We had a lot of good laughs and didn't want the night to end, so they spent the night. The morning was a lazy morning of coffee, gorgeous weather, and laid back conversation. We had a great late afternoon lunch and then headed off to church together. The service was great and Ephram stayed in the nursery the entire service. This is nice to feel like a part of the service again after spending the last few months in the nursery with him. We sang "Amazing Grace" and it had a great extra part I had never heard before. This song always speaks so strongly to my heart and makes me more aware of how we truly have to trust God with everything. When I sing "it is well with my soul", do I truly mean this or is this just what I was raised to sing? It definitely challenges me and causes me to take what I sing more seriously.

We have a meeting tomorrow in regards to building a new house. We are praying that God makes his will clear during this meeting. More info to come later.

Wednesday, Josh went to the Y and did end up going swimming. He felt like a spectacle, getting into the water, and he said that was very difficult. We used a flotation device around his neck and another around his waist. After a while we put a swim noodle under his knees and he worked on putting his arms above his head. Towards the end of the session, the OT and PT decided to turn Josh over, face down, in the water. After the experience of nearly drowning in the water, you can imagine Josh's trepidation. They turned him over and he tried to get back over. He quickly started shaking his head NO and we turned him back over. He was pretty shaken up but went right back at it. After a few minutes of coaching and strategizing, they turned him over a few more times. He never got himself back over independently, but he did make progress. After we were finished, he said how "crazy" (his words, not mine) it is that if someone put him in the water and didn't help him, he would die. Pretty scary stuff but we're glad that the first water experience is now under our belt.

I am now heading off to bed and pray that Ephram sleeps well tonight. We has had the pukies and so he has been out of sorts. He seems much better today.

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING

-our building meeting tomorrow at 3:30

-emotional well-being as a family

6 months

7/17/07 11:00 p.m.

A big praise! Josh got all of his computer equipment with all the adaptations! If you know Josh, you know he is a bit of a computer geek (makes me love him all the more!). Anyway, he now has a new laptop (he's sad it's not a mac but what do you do?) voice recognition software that is amazing, and numerous other pieces of equipment to help him navigate the computer. I keep hearing him say "scratch that" which tells the computer to delete or undo what it just did. He is also able to turn everything on and off with voice commands. In the near future he will start posting also. Right now he is getting to know how the whole thing works so he may need a few days.

Our kids went to Grand Haven to camp in G & G's trailer. Noah did not go to sleep until quarter to one last night. Little stinker!  They are having a blast. Holly is also out there in the pop-up camper with her three kids so our kids have plenty of playmates. Hopefully it will be nice enough to go swimming in the lake tomorrow. It's been a bit overcast and rainy today.

I'm going blueberry picking with a friend in the morning. Because I don't have all three kids with me, I thought it would be a good time. I'll carry Ephram in his sling. I love blueberry picking time. I haven't gone in a few years and I'm looking forward to it. I'm also looking forward to all the blueberry pancakes and blueberry pies to follow. I grew up eating frozen blueberries so I figure our kids should do the same!

Josh has had a few good days. Your prayers make a huge difference! We are both feeling a bit more encouraged the past few days. I have spent some extra time in the Word this past day and a half with the kids being gone.  Why does it seem like I have no time to spend reading my Bible and sitting quietly and praying, and then things go haywire. I do have a few minutes a day to check friends blogs and check my e-mail. Hmmm... maybe I need to look at my priorities. God has sustained us through two major trials and continues to do so, yet when I feel a little better,  I get complacent. Sorta screwed up but true none the less. Ephram is listening to mommy read Lamentations aloud to him while he eats in the middle of the night (good thing Josh is a hard sleeper). Maybe not the most encouraging for an 8 week old but he'll survive! :-)

Josh is going to be swimming at the YMCA tomorrow. He is NOT  looking forward to it but his therapists think it is important. We have finally run out of excuses and will have to do it. With his usual sarcasm he says, "What am I going to do? Kick my legs?"  Funny guy huh? Anyway, we are not sure of the goal we are working towards, but they haven't let us down yet.

Speaking of our therapists, they are amazing. MFB could not be a better place for Josh to heal. Every person we were put in touch with while there were incredible. It seems as though the people they hire are a step above every other nursing establishment we have worked with since this accident. Every time I am unsure of why we are doing what we are doing, it becomes clear in a life skill. For example, when Josh started working at sliding board transfers, I realized all of the things he had already learned prior to putting it to use. He had strengthened the muscles needed to move his body (lifting weights), worked at balancing his body while sitting up (bouncing a balloon back and forth while sitting up), and many other tasks. Every time I think we have plateaued and progress seems hard to come by, something exciting happens that Josh is able to do that he wasn't able to earlier. Even though new muscles have not come back as of late, he is figuring out how to do so much more with what he does have.  This makes me proud of him.

My husband is amazing. The things he has gone through the past 6 months, no one should have to. Yet, he continues to try and have a positive attitude, still encourages me non-stop, and is an amazing dad even when he thinks he is not capable. Just because he cannot pick up Ephram makes him no less of a father. Every time I put Ephram's head up to Josh's face and Josh is talking to him and kissing on him, Ephram quiets right down. He knows his daddy's voice. 

Well, it is now officially after midnight (I got a little sidetracked) and today is 6 months since Josh's accident. Half a year has come and gone and we are all still breathing.  So much has changed since January the 18th, yet God remains faithful...

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING

-spiritual growth and encouragement

-Josh's triceps