As Time Passes...

Zoe in the morning

Things are okay at the Buck household. So what does okay really mean? Not really sure. We continue to breathe, grocery shop, eat dinner together when we can, play with the kids and go to expected events. Although we are surviving it really doesn't feel like living. I'm looking forward to the day where my feet hit the floor before I remember that Ava is dead. Sounds sorta shocking huh? A little vulger? Morose? I think I feel all these things at certain times. Josh and I are seeing a counselor which is helpful. He's a neat guy and has made us aware of some things that we needed to see from a different perspective.

I've decided that I'm done acting like everything is fine when they're not. Yes, there are times when I feel half-way normal for a few minutes and I'm happy about that but sad too cause I feel like every time that happens we've lost our little girl a little more. I feel like I've lost a lot of myself and not sure how to find this piece that seems to be missing. It seems to affect who I am, how I parent, how I love my husband, and how I view God. It's been hard to try and understand a God that would allow something like this to happen. And then I remember that I will never understand God nor will I probably ever know why this happened. I do cling to the fact that God has a greater purpose and a will that I don't understand. I do know what my first question will be when I get to heaven.

The kids are doing well. Zoe is missing her little sister more the past week than she was for a while. This makes it a bit more difficult when she goes to sleep looking at her picture and talks about her more often. She is really into babying her dolls and it makes me sad to see her have to baby an object instead of her sister. It makes our loss seem so apparent. About a week and a half ago, Noah and Zoe were going down the stairs and they were talking in their own little babble about Ava and then Zoe says "Ava coming home soon." Noah says "No, baby Ava in heaven". I'm glad he seems to be understanding that Ava won't be coming home but it's difficult to be so black and white so they understand.

Josh and I have been trying to spend some time together. It is hard to find the time and a babysitter where we can be alone just the two of us to be able to talk and process together. We have had numerous people who have been so giving with their time to help us out in this aspect. Most evenings, by the time the kids are asleep, we have little energy to talk about things that actually matter. Most of the time we just want to veg and not have to think or talk about everything. Everything seems to take so much energy- even sitting here and putting my thoughts down where I know people will be reading them! :-)

Thank you to all our friends and family that continue to hold us up in prayer as we continue on this journey. Love to you all.
Shelly

Haloween 2005

Months

Shelly's tatoo. Pretty cool, eh?

Months it's been since we posted on the blog last.

Not sure why, it's certainly not a lack of things to say. Probably more of a lack of desire to say them. Our main reason for wanting to do this blog is to let you take a peak at what is goin on in us as we grieve, heal, and continue to live life. But most words seem rather hollow when trying to capture the feelings that we experience right now, so sometimes it seems easier to not try at all.

In some ways, life has gotten a bit easier since August 1st. In some ways, things have not gotten easier.

For four of five weeks after Ava passed away sanity slowly crept back into our somewhat insane minds. Then our church plant began and we had to begin to try to function in society again. I speak just for myself here (josh) but things haven't gotten a whole lot easier since then. I'm not sure why.

There are no real doubts as to whether or not God has a plan in all this, but the fact that we may never understand that plan is troubling. It's not that I want to ask God why... I really just want to ask Him to put things back like they were. I guess that is rather obvious.

This post is such a downer! Sorry to seem so glum. Things are not bad right now... there are many many things to be thankful for... these feelings are all just part of the process of making this compute.

Keep us in your prayers, and don't be afraid to write.

Josh (Shelly is in the bath or in bed!)

Another Day

Life continues here at the Buck household. Seven weeks today since the "accident". Funny how we call it an accident. I think of an accident as spilled milk or a sprained ankle. Not quite huh? The past few days have been better with the kids. Noah is starting to get acclimated to going to school and going to sleep in his big boy bed without his mommy or daddy. Zoe continues to ask for Ava but does not seem upset by it. Today she said she was going to go to the store to "buy more Ava". Okay break my heart. What a doll. We're still waiting for life to feel a little bit more normal. Waiting...

The church plant seems to be moving along. Our first official service is October the 9th. It keeps getting closer and closer and there is still so much to be done. Please pray for our sanity!!! Josh is walking a difficult line of needing to be at work a lot and wanting to be home. He is being pulled in many directions and this is hard for him. Pray that he may make wise decisions for our family and for the church.

Life is getting busy again. Lots of weekends coming up with lots of plans. This is nice in some ways and difficult in others. It's nice to have things to stay occupied but being "normal" can be hard. You don't want to completely lose it at a social event. It can create a bit of an uncomfortable situation. :-) We have some friends coming in for a visit from NYC next weekend and it should be fun.

That's all for now. Hopefully everyone is doing well. We love to hear from you all and hear how you all are doing. Love, love, love...

Back Home

Well, it's official. We have moved back into our house in Eastown. Josh and I spent the night here on Friday night and made the decision to give it a go. We brought the kids home yesterday afternoon. They were both excited to be back and surprisingly, hadn't forgotten the place. Being in the place that they remember Ava last, it has brought many questions and comments. Zoe seems to understand that Ava will not be coming back but Noah does not. I found a can of formula today and he was somewhat upset that I told him Ava didn't need it. It has been very difficult to talk to the kids so concretely about the fact that Ava is in heaven with Jesus and won't be coming back. Noah is convinced she is sleeping or with grandma. Pray that we will have wisdom in what and how we explain this to them.

It is surprising to me that we can move back to this house after everything that happened here. I get a real sense of sadness here but I do not feel traumatized by the memories. I truly believe it is because of the power of prayer. All of you praying for us has done incredible things for us. Please continue. It has officially been six weeks today but it feels like about six hours. Everything is so fresh. We still are in dire need of your prayers.

We redid the room where the accident took place. It was in the girls room (I will always think of it that way). We prepared Zoe for a big change in the way things looked and were set up. She was very excited to see her "pink bedroom". When we entered she was yelling "pink bedroom" but then stopped quickly and asked, "Where's Aba's bed?" (Both kids call her Aba as the V sound has not yet come along!) We explained that Ava was gone and sleeps with Jesus. Is there sleeping in heaven? I sure hope so as it is something I love to do.

Noah rode the bus to school today for the first time. He goes to school five days a week for a half day. We were not sure how he would do for his first bus ride. I figured if he got upset I would ride with him but he just looked at Josh and I with big eyes like he wondered what the heck was going on. Which leads me to a specific prayer request. We have been trying to be understanding with the kids when it comes to things they have not wanted to do. For example, Noah is wanting to go to sleep with us at night. We have been allowing him to fall asleep with us and then moving him to his own bed. There are small examples like this everywhere. Many of them do not cause a problem but some of them may be the start of some bad habits. Pray that we will be able to decipher when it is related to everything going on and when they are just trying to manipulate us. They do that? you ask. They both loooove to. Pray that we have wisdom in when to discipline and when to be lenient. When to put our foot down and when to just pick them up and hug them.

That's all for now. Can't think of anything else really exciting to say. Hope all you guys are doing well. Love you all.

Shelly

Progress?

Wow, I can't believe that it has been so long since we posted last. Life is very busy right now, but not too busy... good busy.

We are still healing... duh. The process is so much more complicated than I could have imagined. To be totally honest, things haven't gotten any easier in the past 3 weeks. I am not sure if they will for a while. We are at a place where we can breathe. We don't really feel good, but we could feel worse.

Dad and Noah Halloween 2003

One tiny sliver of the tragedy of August 1st was the timing of it. It was really day one of the church plant. We spent about 3 weeks together as a family (Me, Shelly, Noah, Zoe, Jason, Holly, Elijah, Emmy, Zeke, John, Jean, Mike, Cindy, Geoffrey, and Derek) talking, crying, laughing, trying to eat, swimming, and really focusing on nothing exceptdoing nothing except healing, but at some point, we knew that we really had to hit the ground running with Greenhouse.

That has happened, and we are now in our offices at Common Ground Church. Preview services start this weekend (Sun. @ 6:00), and our official kick-off is October 9th.

We have been intensely focusing on team building and fund raising in the past 2 weeks. Last week we got our first round of letters out, and this week Jason and I visited each of the 5 zone meetings in the West Michigan District. We are also going to have a core team cook out at our house this Friday evening. Shelly and I decided that this would be a good time to stay the night at our house for the ifrst time, so Friday night is it.

Keep us in your prayers. We are not sure what to expect Friday night, but we are anxious to stay a night. We will soon decided wether or not we are going to keep the house.

We will keep you posted, sorry this one took so long.

God bless you