Satan is one crafty fellow. I hate him. I'm allowed to say that when it comes to the devil (for all of us moms of young children, you know what I mean). How is it that he know my insecurities and uses them against me every time? Why do I continue to fall for his sneaky lies?
After Ava died, I asked people to pray very specifically that I would get the truth of God's sovereignty into my heart. God knew Ava's life on this earth would be short, and I didn't want to destroy myself with the never-ending "what if" questions. God granted that request a thousand times over. Yes, I wish it could have been different. Yes, it was terrible. Still is. But God is sovereign. He knew before time began the number of days Ava would be here with us. My abilities/inabilities as her mother could not change that.
After Josh got hurt I still did not question God's sovereignty. I knew he could still use Josh in a mighty way. I knew he would give me the strength to handle whatever lay ahead. Yes, I prayed for a miracle (still do every once in a while) but the miracle I asked for was not granted. Still, I trusted.
Now I lay here in my bed with the beginnings of an understanding of who God made me. I have been doubting myself so much over the past few months. I am realizing that doubting myself, when I have placed my life in His hands, is doubting God. Yes, I am worth loving, yes I am worth friendships, because of Christ. He has placed these needs and desires in me for a reason. He created ME. And that means I have to love me- because I am his. Wholely, totally, completely all His. This is where my self-worth comes from. So, all of Satan's craftiness has only brought me one step further in my walk with God. Yes, I still wonder who it is that God wants me to be, how he wants to use me, but I will continue to proclaim that I am worthy because of Christ!
real deal
(from Josh)
Most of you realize that I rarely post on this blog. The biggest reason is that due to a PC (Vista) issue I don't have voice recognition software. I am typing this with a thumb. :)
Shelly doesn't know that I am posting this. She is picking up some stuff at Meijer.
Shelly is the real deal. She is an amazing, Spirit filled woman of God. She daily spends time in Scripture. She is a great mom and wife and one of the best people and one of the best friends you could ever know. When she writes of her journey, she writes with complete honesty and humility. (you can all tell this).
She is a spiritual giant.
And we do have a lot of fun around here. Check out the YouTube video... "Movie Time"
NOTICE THAT SHELLY POSTED YESTERDAY!
Most of you realize that I rarely post on this blog. The biggest reason is that due to a PC (Vista) issue I don't have voice recognition software. I am typing this with a thumb. :)
Shelly doesn't know that I am posting this. She is picking up some stuff at Meijer.
Shelly is the real deal. She is an amazing, Spirit filled woman of God. She daily spends time in Scripture. She is a great mom and wife and one of the best people and one of the best friends you could ever know. When she writes of her journey, she writes with complete honesty and humility. (you can all tell this).
She is a spiritual giant.
And we do have a lot of fun around here. Check out the YouTube video... "Movie Time"
NOTICE THAT SHELLY POSTED YESTERDAY!
thank you
Thank you to all of my reader friends out there who have written such encouraging words for me. When Josh read what I had written, he was a bit taken aback and asked me if I was sure I wanted the whole world to be able to read some of my innermost thoughts and struggles. I thought about that and prayed very specifically for God to reveal His desires to me.
God has given me a passion for sincerity. This can sometimes be my downfall. Everyone knows what I'm thinking most of the time. Especially when I write on here. This is sort of my therapy. It gives me somewhere to process my thoughts on life and my relationship with Christ. God is doing a work in me and on my heart. I have been forced to look at things in me that are ugly and wish would just go away. God continues to follow me, encourage me, and tells me how much he loves me. Even when I mess up time and again.
Over the past week, my heart has been having a work done on it. My heart has felt more contentment than it has in a long time. I know this is not something I am doing but something that God is doing. I still am wondering a lot of things, same as before, but I am feeling much more at peace with it all.
Yes, I know many things about myself. I just wish that God would reveal to me now what all this "stuff" in my life is teaching me. Guess lots of these answers will have to wait until heaven.
Wanted you to know how much I appreciate your prayers. Please keep praying for my heart, that my desire would be whatever my Father's desire is.
God has given me a passion for sincerity. This can sometimes be my downfall. Everyone knows what I'm thinking most of the time. Especially when I write on here. This is sort of my therapy. It gives me somewhere to process my thoughts on life and my relationship with Christ. God is doing a work in me and on my heart. I have been forced to look at things in me that are ugly and wish would just go away. God continues to follow me, encourage me, and tells me how much he loves me. Even when I mess up time and again.
Over the past week, my heart has been having a work done on it. My heart has felt more contentment than it has in a long time. I know this is not something I am doing but something that God is doing. I still am wondering a lot of things, same as before, but I am feeling much more at peace with it all.
Yes, I know many things about myself. I just wish that God would reveal to me now what all this "stuff" in my life is teaching me. Guess lots of these answers will have to wait until heaven.
Wanted you to know how much I appreciate your prayers. Please keep praying for my heart, that my desire would be whatever my Father's desire is.
hmmmmmm...
God continues to work in my life. He has made himself more apparent over the last few months than the two years before. Yes, I know God was with us, yet I see him so much more clearly. This growth comes with a great amount of pain. I just read somewhere that "nothing grows on the mountaintops, it all grows in the valleys."
I am in a valley. I can only look up. But you know what I see? I see a God who continues to be faithful to me who seems more real than he did yesterday or the day before. I am a woman falling apart on my own and yet God continues to hold me together. I have been crying out to him that the life I want, the one I deserve is nowhere to be found. He then reminds me what I really deserve...and it's ugly. I am an ugly person without God. I am selfish, judgmental, and angry. God takes these ugly things and works in my life in ways that I don't deserve. I am still these things. I am a work in progress. I am a woman who continues to try to figure out who I am in God.
This has been such a heartache for me over the last few months. Who am I? Am I a wife, mother, Christ-follower, friend? All these things are descriptions of me, but I seem to have lost ME. I really don't know who I am. I am confused. I am hurting. But I know one thing to be true. Without God, I am not me. So, I hold on to this one truth and continue on this journey. I look to his word and know that many went before me who feel the same as I do too. I pray for God to work in this ugly heart of mine and make it like his own. Show me who I am God, show me who I am in You.
I am in a valley. I can only look up. But you know what I see? I see a God who continues to be faithful to me who seems more real than he did yesterday or the day before. I am a woman falling apart on my own and yet God continues to hold me together. I have been crying out to him that the life I want, the one I deserve is nowhere to be found. He then reminds me what I really deserve...and it's ugly. I am an ugly person without God. I am selfish, judgmental, and angry. God takes these ugly things and works in my life in ways that I don't deserve. I am still these things. I am a work in progress. I am a woman who continues to try to figure out who I am in God.
This has been such a heartache for me over the last few months. Who am I? Am I a wife, mother, Christ-follower, friend? All these things are descriptions of me, but I seem to have lost ME. I really don't know who I am. I am confused. I am hurting. But I know one thing to be true. Without God, I am not me. So, I hold on to this one truth and continue on this journey. I look to his word and know that many went before me who feel the same as I do too. I pray for God to work in this ugly heart of mine and make it like his own. Show me who I am God, show me who I am in You.
two years
It's been two years since Josh's accident. Wow. Time flies and stands still at the same time. I amazed at how far he has come and how little he has come. I really believed he would walk again. God had other plans. I realize he may walk again if science comes far enough or God decides a miracle is in order, but I thought he would walk again, like a year and a half ago. Every once in a while, he will have a weird sensation or pain that makes me think that it's still possible, then reality hits. My husband is a quadraplegic. It sucks. Is that okay to say???
Outside of it being two years, we continue to carry on. Life has been tough the last two months. More things not related to this, but tough all the same. More ways I am learning to trust the God I love. Sometimes I feel like my heart may break, yet I make it through the day and wake up again the next morning. I am learning that God knows a heck of a lot more than I do. I knew that already, but I am learning again. I am learning it deeper, more fully; not without pain...but with my God.
Outside of it being two years, we continue to carry on. Life has been tough the last two months. More things not related to this, but tough all the same. More ways I am learning to trust the God I love. Sometimes I feel like my heart may break, yet I make it through the day and wake up again the next morning. I am learning that God knows a heck of a lot more than I do. I knew that already, but I am learning again. I am learning it deeper, more fully; not without pain...but with my God.
