grief

Grief is complicated. It is all consuming. I know about grief. But I also know about the reprieve that God has given to me. I consider it a gift. An amazing one at that. But one I do not want all the time. Today, I want to miss my little girl. I went to a friends house tonight who just had a baby girl three days ago. She was yellow from jaundice, had dark hair galore and reminded me of my little girl. I came home and decided that I wanted to feel bad. Does that sound stupid? With Ava being gone for over three years, my grief is not usually as heart-wrenching on a day to day basis. It feels good to grieve sometimes. It makes her feel close. 

So, when does my grief end? I never really thought about that until a few days ago. You'd think I'd have thought of that before, considering how many books I've read regarding losing a child but I never really thought about when I'd be done. I was running the track at the YMCA, talking (or rather huffing) with a friend and we got to talking about Ava. As we talked, I came to this realization that most of you probably already realize, but to me, it was eye-opening. My grief will never be over in this lifetime. When I am 80, I will still miss my little girl. I will still hurt for all that was lost, or that was never to be. Instead of it seeming like a death sentence though, I find it comforting. Knowing that my baby will always be a part of me, that God has allowed my heart to love so deeply, to know that I never have to be "over it."

merry christmas

It's been a good day. I just finished putting away all the kids goodies from grandpa and grandma. We had a nice time celebrating Christmas with my parents today. I marvel at the fact that my God sent a baby to earth to save ME. He also sent that baby to save YOU. It becomes so simple when you try to explain it to your kids. It creates in me a child-like faith that I treasure. I serve an amazing God who has given me gifts beyond understanding and stood beside me while I went through the valleys. I am a fallen woman. A woman saved by grace. Now THAT'S  a Christmas present!

alive...

much has been happening around our home. as time progresses, I know that we will be letting you a little more into our lives. I really believe that God continues to teach me through each trial, error and success.  I'm sorry for the huge lull.  When things started getting crazy around here about a month ago, I really had every intention of putting up a new post.

So, even though things are tough right now, I thought I'd let you know we are still alive.  

The other day, we got out all our Christmas stuff and one of the things that came out of hiding was a Little People Nativity set. Ephram has been having a hay-day with all the parts. The other day, all the parts got thrown into the toy box and so I decided to go rescue it. Well, I could find every part but the most important part- baby Jesus. Hmmm... where did it go? I looked through every conceivable place and still, no baby Jesus. So, I thought I'd go to Noah who always seems to know where all the random stuff is around the house. I said, "Noah, where is baby Jesus? I can't find him anywhere."  He sort of looked at me for a few seconds and then said, "Well, He's not lost. He's in my heart."  

Okay, the kid might actually be getting it (I still couldn't find the baby Jesus toy). So, the last few days, as we've been looking for Jesus, he keeps talking about how Jesus lives in his heart. I started out thinking we had lost the most important part of the nativity set and ended up thinking that it may be the most appropriate.


By the way, we found Jesus today. He was hiding under Ephram's bed behind a basket I SWORE I moved. :-) Is anyone else as hair-brained as me?

friends

I have amazing friends... When I moved to Grand Rapids, I didn't know anyone but my sister. I figured my sister would always be enough, and she is, but a great circle of friends is a blessing. I sat at a coffee shop tonight for a Bible Study with five moms from church and was amazed at how God had brought us together. Each one of them has a special story, each one of them is connected to my heart in a special way. God has taught me so much through each of my friends. I often wonder if that is why so many of my friends are different from each other. How would I learn from each of them if they were all similar? We sat around the table and we each had a turn to say what the others had in their personality that was a blessing to us. It turned out to be such a blessing to be able to tell others how they have touched my life. Some of these girls did not come into my life until after Josh got hurt and some of them came within weeks of Ava's death. Each of them have been a source of strength and encouragement to me when times are hard. Thank you girls for an amazing friendship. It sometimes seems like I've lost a lot in life but then I look at what I've gained because of those losses and I am amazed. I would still never have chosen for life to take the path it has, but it has all the same. My losses are great but my blessings are greater. Please be praying for Josh. He is struggling with a bad cough that is getting him down both physically and emotionally. Because he does not have abdominal muscles, coughing is very difficult. He sort of throws himself forward in his chair to get a small cough out. It looks a bit ridiculous but it seems to help a bit. He is wearing himself out doing this. We have tried quite a few cough medicines, etc but they don't seem to do the trick. Because it is so hard on him physically, it starts to get him down emotionally. He laid in bed a few hours ago, gagging because his need to cough was so great with tears rolling down his face. I was unsure if the tears were from the cough or from the emotions. His mind tends to start running too fast when he is down and gets him down further. He asked me to pray with him specifically about this. I figured I could ask you to do the same. :-) Both kids are doing better in school all the time. Zoe has pajama day tomorrow and is excited about that. Noah loves to play basketball on the playground and talk the ear off of his bus drivers. Ephrams new mobility is keeping me on my toes. He is starting to try and run a bit and it is quite a sight. He still does a lot of falling but it is getting better all the time. Zoe and I are going to take a pumpkin to put on Ava's grave tomorrow. She just realized a few weeks ago that Ava's body is in the ground there. We had never been very explicit on where Ava's body went after she died. Not sure how she figured that one out. I guess is was inevitable. That was an interesting conversation... That's the summary of my kiddos. :-) I guess that's all that's going on here. I hope all of you are doing well and enjoying fall. The colors here are so vibrant! This is my favorite season!!!

shucks...

Sorry but this is going to be short and sweet. I somehow managed to delete a huge post and I am a little disgusted with myself. Oh well. For a few of you who wanted to see a few more pics of the blessing otherwise known as our home, go to www.thebuckproject.com and you should be able to view a bunch more. An amazing guy from Calvary came and took a bunch of pictures with a wide angle lens. They turned out amazing. You will have to copy and paste to get to the web site. Sorry, I'm not so techno savvy. Noah is continuing to do great. Zoe is doing better going to school. She is not so anxious or teary eyed in the morning which makes this momma happy. Ephram is walking and talking like crazy and is very clearly calling his daddy "Josh." It cracks me up! Josh and I took a quick trip to the Eastern Shore for my cousin Erin's wedding. It went off nearly flawlessly. This was such a blessing! It was a long drive but we figured it was much easier than flying and having to transfer from all kinds of wheelchairs and plane seats. Josh's office is nearing completion. We are so excited to have it almost done. We are having some countertops put in so he can have access to all of the stuff he needs like printers and faxes. Yay! No more cords for me! The carpet looks great and all of his office furniture is now put together. He has a ton of bookshelves to put his massive amounts of books on. It will be nice to not have to dig through boxes looking for specific books he needs to prepare messages. He's just excited to have everything in one place. We went to grandpa and grandma's today for breakfast and it lasted past lunch. They had been on vacation for a little over two weeks and Noah was on serious grandpa withdrawal. They helped make breakfast, pick apples, took tractor rides and all the traditional stuff. Zoe wanted to plant her apple seeds by Ava's tree in my parents yard so my dad helped her. My precious little girl, always thinking of her baby sister. That's all for now. Heading off to bed. sorry so short...