ourbigmess

6 Years

2011-08-01T21:29:00.003-04:00

Today is 6 years since we lost our precious Ava. 2 months 27 days was not long enough. Not enough time to capture a lifetime of memories.

I remember her scent, her painted pink toenails and her brother and sister calling her Baby Aba because neither of them could say their "v" sounds. I remember Noah biting her toes. I remember her belly laugh. What I wouldn't give to hear that sound again, coming from my sweet, baby girl.

But after six years, life has continued, even when I begged God for it it stop, when I begged for Him to take me too. After 6 years, the urgency is not always present or prevalent. There is a lot of the time where I feel pretty "normal".

But come the months of May to August and I feel like losing her was only a breath ago. I feel my heart race, my chest tighten, and my stomach begin to feel nauseous. Soon after Ava dying, I remember being desperate for mothers who had lost children to tell me how long the suffering lasts; how long will I feel this total emptiness? Little did I know then what a long road it would be. Little did I know I would treasure the heartache when it comes because it makes her feel close, real.

To say that Ava's death was only really about Ava would be misleading. Ava and God go hand in hand. I rarely think about one without thinking about the other. It's sort of like a marriage, this joining of two people, and after a time, you're just one. Somehow, Ava and God are so connected, interwoven together that it is just natural to talk about God when I speak of or remember Ava?

How could I not see God's mercy when I look into the face of my four year old? His sweet sweaty face, hair clinging to his forehead, so engrossed in living the life God has given him, the little boy who never would have been if his big sister did not go to heaven so early. How clearly I have been shown His peace, even amidst the tears. That big God, who can do all that stuff loves me. I am a child of the King, and so is my Ava. We're coming baby!!!

Interesting

2010-02-08T07:23:00.002-05:00

Since Josh got hurt in January of 2007, we have had lots of deal with and grow accustomed to. One of the things we have not had to deal with is extra health issues.

Josh got sick after minor surgery in October and it seemed to carry on forever. He finally recovered totally after about a month. Since the first of January we are back to more health issues. He has spent, by far, the majority of his days in bed since then.

Over the last three years, Josh has become very independent in his day to day life during the day. He needs help getting up and getting in bed; the time spent in between is mostly help-free. He spends a good portion of his day working on different projects in his office, meeting with different people, and just general life. I get his lunch ready, pour his coffee, just basic things that I probably should have done more of even before he got hurt. None of this takes any major amount of time. Just our new normal.

So, now that he has been down for the count, things have changed. Drastically. He calls me to itch his neck, to change the TV channel, to just come and lay by him. Many days, he never comes out of our bedroom at all. This has become extremely taxing emotionally on Josh. In the past year or so, he has become so much more aware of how his situation affects me. It is difficult for him to know that his paralysis and absolute need for help stresses me out. We are in a difficult situation.

Then I look at the situations many others are in and know that we are blessed. Josh is still here with us. His mind is the same as it was before he was hurt. Our kids bring us great joy. God has provided for us in ways we never dreamed possible.

All the same, we are still having a hard time. Please pray for Josh's emotional and physical wellbeing. Pray for our sanity. Pray that we can keep a Christ-like attitude when I feel like throwing a grown-up sized temper tantrum.

Thanking God for grace.

What is God Up To?

2010-01-20T08:24:00.003-05:00

Suffering seems absolutely out of control right now. Thankfully, we can be on the praying end of it and not at the suffering end right now. I can think of so many things going on in people's lives that are just heartbreaking, which makes me know God is up to something.

I watch my best friend Holly and her husband Aaron struggle with the deep pain of making life and death decisions in regards to the next step of treatment for their daughter Kate.

A family from church had a baby girl born with Down's Syndrome only to find out that the doctors say she only has a week to live. Praise God she is still here two weeks later.

Another family from church lost a child in a snowmobiling accident last weekend. The are clinging to God to get them through this, knowing that their daughter loved the Lord and where she is.

Josh got the most random call about 2 weeks ago from an acquaintance from college who wanted to talk. He and his wife had lost their three and a half month old the day before. I had the opportunity to talk to his wife last week. All I hear is agony, frustration at the road ahead...and then hope that God will sustain. Faith.

I hear about all the pain going on in Haiti and then see on the news people singing praises to God with their hands held high.

Josh's cousin and her husband are missionaries in Jos, Nigeria where there is so much unrest and Christians are dying. They were spending the night in a safe place, praying for protection over others and their family all while hearing gun shots. They have a 7 month old baby, and I can only imagine the fear of knowing what is going on and wanting to protect your child.

Yet, all these people are clinging to faith. Faith that our God knows what He is doing. That nothing goes unnoticed by Him, that He knows, that He will sustain, that He will protect.

Suffering leads to unimaginable growth, if only we allow God to do it. He wants to grow closer to us, to protect our hearts and our minds, to grow in a love relationship with Him.

For me, it was a choice. I knew that I could choose to become bitter, turn my back on "this God" who had the power to save my daughter, to stop Josh from diving into the ocean and breaking his neck, and yet He chose not to. Not because He doesn't love me. But because He knows what is best for me. Yes, I want my daughter back. Yes, I want Josh to be able-bodied. But the growth and faith that has been born of tragedy is a blessing. Maybe a blessing in disguise, but a blessing all the same.

Our God is in the miracle working business. I have watched Him restore a marriage (mine) headed down a road I never imagined possible. I have experienced His strength when I thought my heart would break from the grief. That is a miracle. I have seen a baby who was supposed to be in heaven by now, continue to baffle doctors as her vitals grow more stable not less.

And yet, God could still choose to take any of these people to be home with Him. We live in a fallen world. Yet, I continue to hold on to the hope that does not fail, my Father who will never leave me or forsake me (even when I don't feel Him near), knowing that when my life on this earth is over, it will only get better. Waaaaay better.

God is definitely up to something. What it is, I have no idea. What I do know is this- it WILL be for His glory.

Noah -Diagnosis!

2009-12-16T20:04:00.004-05:00

Well, after 7 and a half years of life with our little guy Noah, we finally have some answers. We were finally getting to a point where we figured we would never really have an answer as to what has caused Noah's delays, but we got an actual diagnosis!!!

We have always loved our special little boy, and would not change him for anything, but always knew something was a little bit "not right." I don't like to say "wrong" because I know he was made in the image of Christ, and was made exactly how God intended. Either way, Noah is far behind in development in comparison to his peers.

Josh and I have been pretty active over the past 6 months in trying to get Noah more help. He ended up out-growing his Early Childhood Developmentally Delayed label when he turned 7. The school district gave his an LD label which is generic for Learning Disability. This is a great label, if that's really what you have. Not so much for Noah. So, for the past 6 months his doctors (and nurses) have been fantastic at making sure we've covered all our bases.

One test that was never performed on Noah was a chromosomal array analysis. This didn't happen for two reasons. Number one being that he doesn't fit into any well-known certain condition like Down's Syndrome or Trisomy 18. Each of these are identified on this test. Reason number 2 was that the test is very expensive, and without having a strong reason to perform this test, insurance will not cover it.

We finally got approval mid-summer to get the testing done. It came back abnormal. The doctor was extremely surprised. So, they sent in Josh and me to have the testing done too. All of the blood was sent to Mayo Clinic where the test is performed. We found out that neither Josh nor I have this abnormality.

So, after years of wondering, our hearts hurting, wondering if it was something we could have done or prevented, we have our answer.

Noah has a chromosomal abnormality. He has a deletion on Chromosome 8. Every one of the cells in his body has this deletion it it. There is no official name for it, it is not common enough to "warrant" a name. We have heard numerous different numbers but hear that is extremely rare. The geneticist we are working with has never encountered it. We have found 7 parents worldwide with a similar deletion. All this really means is that it is not surprising why it took so long to figure out what exactly was going on with Noah.

Having this sort of diagnosis will eventually accomplish what we wanted in the first place- more help for Noah. He will qualify for numerous different programs, summer therapy, and will allow for him to have a label at school that is more appropriate. All this just takes time, to work through all the "red tape."

So, after all these years, we know that it was not the medication I was on, his difficult birth, or anything of that nature. We finally have an answer.

If you're interested in what a Chromosome 8 deletion looks like you can check out this website.

http://www.peacehealth.org/KBASE/nord/nord1032.htm

Noah

2009-11-11T21:36:00.002-05:00

So the Noahmeister has decided that sleep is no longer his friend. Not that he has been a great sleeper over the past couple of years, but who can blame the kid after all the crap the poor boy has gone through?

So, now that his life is stable, I think it's time for a normal sleep schedule. This means at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Is this too much to ask?

From Noah, yes.

Night before last he thought 1 a.m. was the perfect time to wake up for the day. I kept thinking he would eventually fall back asleep, but, alas, no. And with Noah, if he's not sleeping, neither is the momma.

So, we're working on a few ideas to help his "sleep hygiene." I know some of his sleep issues are learned behavior, but we know some of them are neurological. So, we are totally clueless how to help him. Do we just buckle down and get really strict or are we dealing with brain issues. Hmm...

pondering...

if you would, we would really appreciate your prayers for our sweet little boy. :-)

Snuggling

2009-10-29T17:42:00.002-04:00

I'm all snuggled up in the hotel room, the smell of the down blankets and pillows. The A/C is on full blast. I love it.

Josh is alwaaaaaays cold. I, on the other hand, am NOT.

Today, I control the thermostat.

Gonna order room service and not leave the room until tomorrow. Aaaaah (contented sigh)...

Nights away

2009-10-28T20:51:00.002-04:00

My hubby sent me away. I love him for it. There is something about getting away for a night or two that just refreshes this momma's soul. After a crazy three weeks (see the previous post from yesterday), I needed a break. Josh's dad came for a visit and to help with the two older kids, and my mom and sister got in on the fun with Ephram. So, I'm sitting here, doing a bunch of nothing and loving it. And will continue to do it until lunch on Friday. Yaaaay!!!!

2009-10-27T15:32:00.003-04:00

Life got hectic for a while. Thankfully it seems like we are getting back to normal...which is still hectic, but "predictable hectic."

Ephram got his first set of stitches on Sunday. He was playing in the top bunk with his sister and cousin and all of a sudden, I hear one of the girls screaming, "He's bleeding!" but in a panicky sort of way. I was being the non-supervising mom that I am and helping Josh in the bedroom when I heard the ruckus. Thankfully, Ephram calmed down pretty quickly and we headed out to the ER.

I was disappointed to have to miss church AGAIN, after having missed the last three weeks in a row with Josh being sick. Which is where the real stress was.

Josh went in to have a baclofen pump installed (a little metal hockey puck looking thingie that is in his abdomen and pumps the drug into his spinal column). We were supposed to be there all of about 24 hours. We figured we would be back up and running in the next few days. Wrong.

Josh got a spinal fluid leak, which in itself, is really not a huge deal. The problem was, no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the stinkin' thing to stop leaking. Josh ended up spending two weeks, with horrible headaches, lots of puking, and lots of laying flat on his back. Frustrating, but I knew he wasn't dying.

It was hard for Noah, who thought daddy was back at Mary Free Bed for the long haul like last time (three months) no matter how I tried to explain to him that daddy was just going to be gone a few days.

All in all, Josh was down for about 2 weeks and is now doing waaaay better.

We are now back to working on our new ministry that God has laid on our hearts called Real Time Church. We are excited to see where God is leading this. It's also nice to have this sense of peace, knowing we are doing exactly what the Lord is asking of us.

Loss

2009-09-23T20:48:00.003-04:00

Loss seems to be everywhere.

Not the kind of loss like I lost my keys.

Loss like I am ready for heaven.

People all around me are suffering. In the past 5 days, two different families have come to my attention after losing babies. Both of them were about 6 months old. Loss. Why?

I talk with my girlfriend who is dealing with her daughter having a brain tumor. Loss.

Children losing their childhood. Brothers and sisters losing their innocence.

With all this pain in this world, why do I cling to a God who could heal and yet doesn't? Or does he, just not like we ask?

When I feel like there are no answers for these questions, I think of what my life would be like without my faith and trust in God.

Ugly.

There is so little that one person can do for another. So, I do the one thing I can. PRAY!

Pray that the God of all Comfort will guard these families minds and hearts and use these circumstances to grow closer to Him. To the truth that sets us free.

Praying

2009-08-23T08:55:00.002-04:00

I've been doing a lot of praying lately. For one specific thing. During my quiet time this morning, I was reading about answered prayer. It got me thinking.

What happens if God chooses not to answer the way I want Him to? I know He will answer. I just may not like his answer. It causes me to ask some questions that I am not sure I want the answer to.

There have been numerous times in my life where I prayed and the answer was no. I remember while doing CPR on Ava, crying out to God to save her, knowing HE could, but he chose not to. I remember after Josh got hurt, praying for God to heal him, yet again, he chose not to.

Why would I choose to follow a Lord who allows me so much pain? Why is there so much pain we have to suffer? Why does God choose to heal some and not others? So many questions that will probably not be answered on this side of heaven.

Then I remember. How would I have ever made it through the trials in life without him? HE was the one who sustained me through my grief. He was the one who stood by me when no one else knew what to say. He was the one who carried me through when I thought I could not take another breath.

So, what happens if God's answer is "no" to my ever pleading request?

I know God will still be God. I will not question his sovereignty. He has proved that to me time and again. I will continue to question pain. Why he chooses to heal some and not others. If praying for healing will change God's mind or if it is more for me.

All I know is that if I continue to seek God, and not rely on the things of this world, I will continue to be sustained by my Father, the one who created the Earth, the one who created me, the one who cares about me, the one who cares about my heart.

2009-08-16T17:01:00.002-04:00

So, Josh finally refigured the blog so that we could have a comment section. He was highly irritated with it, but it's finally fixed!

Life has been going on like a real summer vacation. We have enjoyed days at the park, the lake, sprinklers on trampolines, and all kinds of summer fun. It has been gorgeous so we have been taking advantage of the weather.

Having this weather makes Josh want to move somewhere warm. His idea of warm is my idea of HOT! He is so often cold that having some warm weather is a welcome reprieve for him. Before his accident, he was always the hot one but now our roles have switched. Now, I am the one begging to turn on the a/c and he is the one saying "it's fine in here!"

It would not surprise me if we decided to eventually move to a warmer climate. We've heard from numerous different families who have moved to warmer climates after being injured. If that did happen, it's a few years in the making. We'll see where God leads us.

Josh has been spending a lot of time with his new website that he is about to open up. We are both passionate about helping people in times of crisis, so this is where God led. We are excited to see what God has in store.

It is our greatest desire to be a light for Christ. This desire often gets lost in the busyness of life, sin, or just our own selfish desires. We have been praying for God to make us more like his Son, but that change is hard. Our faults are obvious, our sins easy for all to see. We pray that God is going to use our ugliness for his kingdom.

We continue to cherish our time as a family. I am thankful for the gifts we have been given over the past few months. God has been ever present, even when things are/were difficult. When we felt like everything was falling apart, He gave us more of Himself. We continue to pursue him with abandon, being thankful that we are enjoying the journey.

4 Years

2009-08-03T10:06:00.007-04:00

Saturday was a hard day for us. Ava went to heaven four years ago, August 1st.
We miss her. Lots.

We spent the day with my parents and sister and her family. We went to the graveyard, let balloons go, and made a craft to leave at her headstone. We ate lunch together and watched the kids play at my parents house. It was eerily similar to what we did the first 2 months after Ava died.

We would sit on the driveway in front of my parents house, watching (or hovering) while the kids would play. We would talk and cry. A lot.
So, this is what we did again. And it felt good. Good to remember, to reminisce, to even take the time to talk about what we remember that day.

It felt good to just have an Ava Day.

Noah

2009-07-21T08:37:00.002-04:00

Noah has really been struggling lately. It hurts this momma's heart to see him like this.

Noah was born on June 22, 2002. He was our little surprise and we were so excited to be starting a family. I was being medicated for a seizure disorder so we knew that the medication could cause problems (mainly spina bifida). So when he was born with no apparent issues, we were overjoyed! Noah spent 4 days in the NICU after being vacuum-extracted and having quite a bruise on his head. It caused issues with his oxygen saturation and all kinds of other smaller issues. We brought him home thinking his problems were over. He began crying, refusing to eat, and just generally unhappy at about a week old. Generally unhappy does not describe the screaming we heard over the next many months. He was very late reaching milestones and we were already having him tested at 8 months of age.

All to say, we have always known Noah was different. We love him that way. It's just who he is.

But our struggle to keep Noah safe is another issue all together. The kid is crazy. No, for real. He has absolutely no concept of danger. He jumped out of our second story night before last. He knew he was in trouble for leaving his bedroom but we could NOT get him to understand that the real problem was the danger. Yesterday, he somehow managed to get the garage door to come off the track and come down at break-neck speed. Thankfully, no one was under it. A few weeks ago, he started a fire in my parents trailer in the garbage can. These are just a few examples of what we have been dealing with.

We are not dealing with a little boy who is devious or defiant. We are dealing with a little boy who seems to lack the decision making skills to make good decisions. We talked to his behavioral pediatrician at length yesterday and we feel like we may finally be getting somewhere. He believes Noah has a neurologic impairment, possibly in his frontal lobe, where decision-making lies. It seems like the doctors are finally starting to understand that we need help.

Noah needs constant supervision, "don't let the kid out of your sight" constant supervision. The things he manages to do is usually when he is alone for just a minute or two. When in his bedroom, we have installed a lock so that we know he cannot get out (so he goes out the window instead).

So, the race is back on to find help. Noah needs some form of a "label" to get the help he needs from the schools and the doctors. We are waiting for results for a metabolic disorder that causes neruologic impairment, but it had to be sent to Mayo Clinic so the wait is one to two weeks.

Any form of a label will not change who our sweet little boy is. For all of his craziness, he is nothing but sweet. He endears himself to almost all he meets. He is full of joy and laughter, pure innocence. Our greatest desire for Noah is for him to love the Lord and to be happy. If these two things hold true, we will consider it success. Greatest success.

Home

2009-07-19T22:01:00.001-04:00

Home from church camp. Looking forward to climbing into bed with my hubby. Saw lots of old friends. Renewed a few. Made lots of memories.

My feet are clean...finally.

It's finally here!

2009-07-12T20:48:00.003-04:00

So, I've been working with Josh on this for a loooong time. This blog has become more of my sounding board than anything he works with, so I didn't like the old domain name.

We have spent the last few months playing around with different looks and this is what we settled on. I'm excited for you to be able to see new pics of the family because I may actually be able to post them. The other site was NOT so user-friendly (at least to someone not too computer savvy).

Back to the usual stuff.

Prayer requests continue with Kate and you can keep checking it at the caringbridge site. This has been so heavy on my heart the last few weeks. People all over the country are praying for Kate and it has been a such a testament of God's faithfulness during suffering. Times are hard for the family right now and we need to be on our knees for them.

I remember the "before and after" mode that was mentioned in the latest update and it made me feel a little sick. I recall looking at the dates in magazines, newspapers, TV, etc. looking at every date before August 1st, 2005; that was the old me. Before.

Then came August 1st and everything after this was the After mode.

I don't quite live like this anymore. It shows me that life goes on. New memories are made and the old ones sweeten with time. I don't think about the horror of that day as much as just about my little girl, Ava, who was only with us for a few short months.

I remember feeling that those feelings of desperation were never going to pass. They did and now I kind of miss them at times. It always makes her seem closer.

After Josh got hurt, I remember thinking our life was never going to be the same. In many ways, it's not. But in most ways, it is. He's still the same guy. I'm still the same girl. We still like each other and drive each other crazy.

After being with Phoenix I was struck with one thing: that watching Josh suffer is not like watching your child suffer. Yes, it was heart-wrenching to watch Josh go through his accident, but there is something about the innocence of a child. Knowing that there is no way to explain to a five year old why they have to go through the suffering you are intentionally putting them through, knowing it's for their good.

Most children trust their parents. Seeing the look in Kate's eyes when she questions Holly was hard for ME to watch, I can't imagine the pain Holly was in. It made me realize that the heartbreak Holly is experiencing is so different when it's your child. I pray that God would sustain Holly and give Kate peace.

One last thing, Noah is back into the testing grind. Still looking for a diagnosis so that he can get the help he needs. He went to two specialists last week and they decided to retest him completely. Looking again at the autism spectrum. At this point, we really don't care what they "label" him, it doesn't change who our sweet little Noah is.

We are talking to the doctor again tomorrow about some specific concerns and the possibility of a metabolic disorder that caused his problems. Not sure who they will send us to next. I know, in comparison to what Holly is going through, this is just small potatoes. But my heart aches for my son. I want him to love life, be accepted by his peers, love the Lord. I have come to realize that so much of my desires for him do not really matter as long as he understands there is a God who died on the cross for him and he chooses to follow him. That's all that really matters.

p.s.

The comments are broken. :(

If you want to leave a comment, do so at my facebook page...

Comments not working yet :(

2009-07-11T11:26:00.003-04:00

(Josh posting)

Shelly is at Camp in Hastings this week. She doesn't have Internet access so she probably doesn't realize about the comment section on the blog isn't working. I'm the one who did all the layout... so don't tell her. Maybe I can fix it before she gets back. He he he he.

If you want to leave a comment, do it at her facebook page...

Phoenix

2009-07-02T20:54:00.000-04:00

I am in Phoenix, attempting to support Holly and family while their life seemingly falls apart. There are so many unknowns right now and all we can do is pray. We are crying out to God for mercy, to heal little Kate. The doctors have not been extremely encouraging and Holly has been in desperation mode many times over the last two days. Please pray for peace for the whole family. Pray that Kate is not scared. Pray that the doctors are wise in their decision making and that God's hand is used in the surgery.

Kate will be having brain surgery on Friday to take out the portion of the tumor that is reachable. The doctors have been clear that it is not completely operable. The risk to take out the entire tumor is too great. At this point, they are not sure of the type of cancer they are dealing with, only that it is aggressive and fast-growing.

Please be praying that the doctors are able to determine exactly what to take out during the surgery. The doctor did say that once in a while, they go in and the tumor "peals away nicely" from the vessels and is able to be dissected completely. This is our earnest prayer. We know God is able to heal Kate without the use of doctors, but we know He is also able to heal her using other means. We pray for a divine healing- for little Katie's life to be spared.

You can find her updates at www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate Sorry, you may need to cut and paste cuz this momma is not too computer savvy! :-)

Love you, all my faithful prayer warriors. It's time to rally around another family this time. Please keep them close to your heart.

PRAY!!!!

2009-06-30T20:52:00.000-04:00

I have talked, over the years, about my best friend Holly. She and her husband are out in Phoenix planting a church and are desperately in love with the Lord. She called about an hour ago. Her 5 and a half year old daughter Kate is in the ICU with a brain tumor they just found a few hours ago. Please be praying. Pray for peace, God's will, and healing. We know our God is able and we pray for this to be His will!!!!! We'll keep you updated!

Today

2009-06-30T20:51:00.000-04:00

So I know i was talking about posting every day but I have Josh on a mission. He is moving every blog entry, since Ava's home-going, to one central blog. We have been busy doing this. :-)

I went out with a few friends for a while tonight. It was nice to spend time with girlies and enjoy sharing "mothering" stories and where we are. Each one of us has our own struggles, our own issues. Josh was at home with a few boys enjoying his time also.

Look for our new space in the next few days...

The Lord is putting a call on my heart about where He is calling us to go. Kinda' scares me, kinda excites me. Please be in prayer. Right now, I feel my job is to pursue my relationship with him and just go after Him with all my heart.

*today I let Noah make the mac and cheese from start to finish. The mess was incredible, the noodles were undercooked, but he was sooo proud of himself. He needed a major bath after the debacle, but he was one happy boy!

Germ Armies

2009-06-15T12:51:00.000-04:00

My house is full of germs. Germs everywhere. I should invest in some more Lysol and try to get rid this virus. Josh has been running a fever since Friday (he seems on the upswing) and now Noah has it.

Noah is one of the most hyper boys you will ever meet. He finds trouble- EVERYWHERE. When I was in NYC last weekend, he nearly ran himself over with my dad's truck. He was unsupervised for a total of about 30 seconds (according to the adults present) and still managed to get into this much trouble. So, when this little boy is as quiet as he is today, you know he's sick. He just wanders around, waiting, I'm not sure for what. Josh let know use the electric leaf blower which would normally make his day, but he only wanted to do it for about 2 minutes and then was done. Makes me feel bad for the little booger. He's sleeping next to me on the floor right now so I don't have to worry about his fever getting out of control.

God's been teaching me some new stuff that I am looking forward to sharing but just don't have anything solid in my mind to say. Hope all you friends are well.

Nighty-night.

Sharing

2009-06-12T13:01:00.000-04:00

I guess I shared my sickness with Josh. It is 8:30 and all the kids are asleep and Josh and I are in bed. Weird. Kinda nice. I do love my sleep.

I left Josh home for the day for some quiet time and took the kids to my parents to do some swimming. We love hanging out there. The kids have all kinds of open space and do not need as close of watching. My parents live quite a ways back in the woods and the kids love to run all over. My mom and I sat around the pool and drank Diet Coke and the kids swam in the pool. Actually, Ephram "swam" in the tub we use to rinse off our feet. He was too scared to go in the pool. He was also scared of the bonfire we made to roast hot dogs. He's mommy's little scaredy cat.

Quadriplegia and vomiting do not go well together. Need I say more???

Please pray for the sick boy. He is pretty miserable. I pray that he wakes up in the morning feeling better.

That's all for tonight. This momma's turning in early...

joy

2009-06-12T01:04:00.000-04:00

Today I played the game "Perfection" with Noah. Does anyone remember that game? The babysitter picked it up at a garage sale last summer. It is so old-school. No batteries required. Love it!!! Anyway, Noah loves this game I figure it's good for his fine motor skills as he is lacking in this area. So we played Perfection HIS way. What you do is push down the tray, put in all the pieces (get really mad that one of the pieces is missing) and then turn the timer to 60 and wait. Then watch the pieces scatter. Wow. Fun game Noah. :-)

The weather here has been a bit on the bleak side. We went outside to jump on the trampoline for about 15 minutes and the kids got soaked. They were beginning to drive us a little mad so we decided to pull the cars out of the garage and let them run around. Most fun the little munchkins have had in a long time and this mommy got a little peace and quiet!

sick

2009-06-11T01:12:00.000-04:00

Why do mom's have to get sick??? Doesn't the Lord know I don't have time for this? :-) Josh is pulling daddy duty with movie night tonight and I'm heading to bed early. Throwing up is not a classy act. Oh well.

Today I let Noah mow the grass with me, even though I could only go half as fast. I just wanted to get it over with. But if you know Noah, you know the boy is obsessed with tractors. So, I let him "help" me for a little while to get his fill. When he got off he says, "Aren't you going to say thank-you mommy?" Like he was my big helper...hah hah. Thought that was cute.

9th

2009-06-10T01:13:00.000-04:00

Today is our 9th anniversary. All of our family forgot. Anniversaries are a pretty big deal around here. You can imagine the horror when my mom called about a half-hour ago, spitting apologies. The only reason she remembered is she got a reminder call from my sister. I had to tell my sister tonight. Josh told my brother-in-law. It actually makes me smile.
It was a pretty big one for us. Life has changed a lot in the last nine years. I'm happy with the choice I made when I decided to devote my life to this man who lays beside me. Life has thrown us a few curve balls but we're in this together.

Today I held up Ephram by the sink and let him play in the water for about five minutes. Even though I knew what a mess it would make...his little squeals made it all worth it.

>>> why the blog changes? <

2009-06-09T20:07:00.001-04:00

Many of you have been following this blog for a while. We had a major format change about a year and a half ago. So many of you might ask, "why change it again???"

Two reasons.

One, the new blog is a bit more visual. You have to admit that same old palm tree was getting kind of lame.

Two, more importantly, the new blog is easier for me to update and to add content to. I need some serious help in this area.

The basic problem so far is that we have lost thousands of comments. Josh has not given up on trying to find them in cyber space... but we will see. I'm not making any promises.

Anyway, hope you like it. Yippee!

finding my joy

2009-06-09T01:15:00.000-04:00

I know my true joy comes from God but this is an area I struggle with. I think laid back people are generally more joyful than intense people. I know I am intense. I am reminded of it every day, many times over (usually by myself as in I drive myselfcrazy).
So, I read a lot of blogs. There are so many women who have it all together. They wake up and their house is neat and breakfast is not a crazy struggle. They love cuddling with their kids and taking walks. They love baking cookies together and picking flowers. Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy doing these things. I just have to work at it.
When I wake up, it is usually to chaos. Noah needs his meds, Josh's nurse is coming in the door, Ephram has wet through his sheets for the third time this week, and Zoe is starving. Making eggs sounds like too much work because then I will have to clean a dirty pan. Who wants Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Healthy, I know. I have learned to make eggs in the microwave. I am the queen of microwave pancakes.

So, am I am normal? Why do I have to work at it? Why am I not just a bit more "chill," a little more "Urban Outfitters" which is a whole nother story all together.

One of my girlfriends sent me a Facebook request to join a page to "bring Urban Outfitters to Grand Rapids." I didn't really pay attention, just thought, hmmmm, I've never shopped there. Fast forward a few days. I was in NYC this weekend visiting my cousin and we went into Urban Outfitters. To say I was out of place was the understatement of the century. I told Josh that if I tried to wear their clothes it would all be a complete "hoax." Just me trying to look a bit more indie, chill, a lot more not me.

I'm more of a Gap, Old Navy, Banana Republic clearance section type of girl.
So, back to my joy. I want to find joy in the small things. I want to enjoy my kids while they are small and not wish the time away because life is hectic. So, I have decided to do something about it. Every day, I'm going to do one thing that I would normally NOT do because I'm cleaning, doing dishes, talking on the phone, checking my e-mail...you get the picture. Just busy. I've been doing this lately. But now I'm going to update one time a day. It's going to force me to get back to blogging.

No, I'm not organic eating mom, not patchouli wearing, just a typical middle-class mom who feeds her kids Spaghettios for lunch and yells at them to get back in bed for the eighth time tonight. I yell at my husband, and I'm not always nice.

But guess what? Jesus loves me all the same. It is my responsibility to be the woman He calls me to be. He gave me this personality (neurotic as it is) and I'm going to be more proactive about finding my joy.

Today I had a tea party with Noah and Zoe and we had real tea. We got out all the fixins and even had cookies. Wow. Supermom. (that's a bit of sarcasm for you...)

* finding my joy

2009-06-08T19:23:00.000-04:00

We all have struggles, and one of mine is struggling to unplug enough to have a tea party with my kids or to go for a walk when I know I should be preparing dinner. I'm always looking for the next project that needs to be completed and looking for the next few minutes of down time. The problem is, doing these type of things, being a bit more chill, is one of my desires.From now on every time I do something that is against my own nature but is in pursuit of trying to find my joy, I will tell you what I did at the end of that day's post and I will highlight it by putting this cute little bar here...You'll probably be surprised with how little and inconsequential these things are. I'm just a real mom who does not want to wish away the hard things and miss the joys of my young children. Every day, I make a consious effort to do one thing that I would not normally do because it is too messy, long-winded, or just what I don't want to do. I want my kids to grow up to remember a mom who loved them and experienced life with them.

marriage

2009-05-27T01:18:00.000-04:00

"Complacency and indifference leads to unhappiness."

This is not some well known little saying, just something that kept banging around in my head last night while I couldn't sleep. I was laying in bed next to Josh, being thankful for where we are at.

When Ava died and we made it through that whole ordeal with our marriage intact, I thought we were indestructible. Maybe not indestructible but definitely not struggling. So, when Josh broke his neck, I remember leaning over his hospital bed, trying to talk to him while it was turning his body back and forth, and telling him, "We are going to make it!" I didn't really doubt this.

Until 6 months ago.

So, after Josh got hurt, we were going on adrenaline for a long time. It seemed like we got closer at first. Then, once he got home and we were trying to establish a new normal, reality set in. It was ugly. I am naturally a very selfish person. I want what's best for me. I want what's easiest for me. So, when he needed me, I instead turned inward. I became somewhat indifferent to the struggle he was going through because I could barely cope with mine. When we were doing "okay," I thought that was good enough.

It's not.

It led to a wretched life that I could barely recognize as my own. One where my needs came before Josh's. Josh's needs came before mine. One where we were going completely separate ways. And six months ago, I was okay with that.

It seemed way easier.

Except, that's not what God had planned for us.

I'm not sure when we thought it was okay to stop praying together or spending time in the Bible together. I don't know if I thought we could do this on our own, but I know we can't. When we stopped spending quiet time together, things went really south. Really south. Like Antarctica South.

It's amazing to me that God can still restore a marriage that is falling apart at the seams. Even when, at first, I didn't really want it to. Am I allowed to say that? So much had happened that I wasn't even sure that I wanted to put forth the effort it would take to get things to where they needed to be. God changed that. He changed my heart and my desires.

We have spent a significant amount of time in counseling and trying to learn what real communication looks like. Not what it looks like everyone else, but to us. It is amazing to me to start figuring out some of the core issues we had long before we even lost Ava. I am selfish, and as Josh said in his last post, he is prideful.

We are ugly.

But God is working in us. I never want to be back to where we were 6 months ago.

I like laying in bed next to my husband and feeling an overwhelming sense of love for him. I like being able to snuggle up next to him while he's sleeping and hear him wake up with a smile on his face.

I never want to get back to that point of indifference and complacency. It's a dirty place, and oh so easy to get to.

God delivered.

pride onion

2009-05-19T01:19:00.000-04:00

Hello. This is Josh. Long time… no talky. ☺

I talked to a guy and a girl this week who recently lost their jobs. They both feel a little worthless. (A story that many of us are hearing or telling lately) I know a girl who struggles with drug use. I know a guy who rarely sees his kids because he doesn’t know how to talk to his ex-wife.

The theme in church yesterday was pride. It was said that most (read “all”) sins stem from the sin of pride. Is this possible? With so many of us struggling daily wanting to be taller, smarter, skinnier, wealthier, what ever… can it also be possible that we struggle with pride?

To be completely honest, pride has probably always been my sin of choice. I don’t think I’ve ever been the up-in-your-face-and-braggadocious type… I like people too much to try to make them feel bad. But when it comes down to it, my personality likes to think that it can do X, Y, and Z better than most everybody else. I guess there is an “I need to believe in myself” issue as well. If we’re going to do something and do it well, we need to believe in ourselves.

But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about us trying to work our lives out on our own terms. “Sure I love God, and I will read my Bible some, and I’ll go to church, and I’ll listen to some Christian music.” But when it comes down to it, if God tries to veer us off of our own predetermined course, pride it rears its ugly head.

After our daughter Ava died, I thought I did a pretty good job of putting my pride on the shelf. Then, after I was paralyzed, I thought I put my pride on the shelf. After all… being in a wheelchair and depending on so many people for so many things has a humbling (read “humiliating”) effect.

In reality,I don’t think that I let those things check my pride at all. It hasn’t been until the past five or six months that God has really begun to peel back the layers of my pride… kind of like an onion – smelly.

Have I really earned anything on my own? God has gifted me with the skills and personality that I have. God saw to it that I was born into the family that I was. God saw to it that I was born in the country and in the time that I was. How is it then that I can get prideful about who I am and my accomplishments? I owe everything to God.

Beyond that, I am also prideful about what God owes me.

I love working with my hands. I love building decks, landscaping, finishing basements, mowing, making homemade pasta, entertaining, grilling, working with electronics… and on and on.

I love music. I play guitar, piano, turntables, mandolin, harmonica… I love singing.

I love sports. I play basketball, I mountain bike, I golf (read “slice”), I jog, I lift weights, I sail, I wakeboard, I scuba dive, I play soccer… and on and on.

I love my family. I love throwing my kids are around and wrestling with them. I like camping. I like doing Zoe’s hair. I like playing catch. I like teaching how to make a layup. I like tucking my kids in. I like the look on Shelly’s face when she comes home to a clean house when she wasn’t expecting it. I enjoy fixing things around the house when they break.

But now I can’t do any of those things.

A person that I barely know gets paid to help me get out of bed every day. I need help taking a shower, using the restroom, cutting my bushy red beard, getting dressed, putting on cologne, and lots of other things. Without abdominal muscles, I can’t sneeze or cough very well. I have trouble picking my nose. I can’t eat pizza unless it is cut up into pieces for me. I have to drink using a straw.

With society’s view of what a man, husband, and dad is… where do I find my value? Where do I find my identity?

Doesn’t God owe me more than this?

The answer is no… He doesn’t. I am just now beginning to be okay with that. I think that I am finally finding the definition of humility. It’s not thinking that we are worse than everybody at everything, but it’s knowing that God owes us nothing and being truly at peace with that thought.

Before you start to think that I am saying that I am unusually brave or insightful or godly… I’m not. I actually think that it is pitiful that God had to humble me in so many ways before I actually saw how deep my pride really ran. But praise God, he finally rooting it out at me! Yes!

I talked to a guy and a girl this week who lost their jobs. I know a girl who struggles with drug use. I know a guy who rarely sees his kids because he doesn’t know how to talk to his ex-wife.

We may lose our jobs. Are we so proud that we find our identity in our employment? Life may not be going the way that we thought it would. Does that mean that we will turn to drugs (or maybe other more PC addictions) to cope with the pain of not getting what we deserve? Maybe we have had to endure a divorce. Maybe someone we love has deeply hurt us. Does that mean that we will pass the pain down to our kids because we are too proud to make that connection?

Pride might be at the root of most of the sins that I commit, but I feel like God and I have finally turned a corner. There may be many more corners to come, but I am so thankful for the peace he is bringing me and the many many many blessings that He has brought into my life.

mother's day

2009-05-11T18:13:00.000-04:00

So Mothers Day was the best one to date. I have had the joy of celebrating Mothers Day for 7 years now. I never thought being a mom would so vastly change who I am. I don't think it's even possible to comprehend how much your kids change you. Here we are, trying to be this light to our kids, to raise them to love God, to love people, and really, they are changing us.

I was a special education teacher before I became a mom. I was always the patient teacher, the one whose students didn't ruffle her feathers. I thought this would carry over to mommy-dom. I was wrong. Seriously wrong. I am not the patient mother. I am always trying to hurry my kids. "Hurry, put your shoes on. Hurry, we're going to be late. Hurry, put on your seat belt. NO, not that way..." That's me. Not the patient mom like the patient teacher I used to be. I want to be patient, but I'm not. And then sometimes, I'm stupid enough to pray for patience (it IS a fruit of the Spirit) and then God tries to teach me. The only problem is that to be taught patience, I'm put in situations where I have to practice patience. Hmmm...

I want to be the mom who is not always doing something. I want to sit and just be with my kids. But, I'm always busy, busy, busy. Gotta clean the house, gotta mow the grass (that's a new one for me), gotta make dinner. Rarely take time to make cookies (they make such a mess!!!) or to just sit and read books, I have things to do!

Isn't that sad??? I'm pathetic, I know. But I also know that some of my friends are the exact same way and don't want to be like this. Over the past 6 months, I have seen huge changes in my life in these areas. Yes, I am still impatient and hate to make cookies with my kids, but I see the worth in it. I see how much it lights up my kids eyes. It gives me a charge to think of what little thing can I do today that I would not have done with them 6 months ago? My own little adventure.

When I became a mom, I thought my kids were mine. I bore them for heavens sake, whose else were they? After losing a child, my view has changes drastically. God has loaned these kids to me. They are His. He has entrusted them to me and expects me to be the mother he calls me to be. He wants me to teach them to love Him. When He took Ava back to himself, I thought my life was over. I never thought I would survive. I now know that you do survive. Even if you don't want to. You learn to put one foot in front of the other, to continue on. I pray that this never happens again, but I now know something that I didn't know before. God will sustain me. If He chose to bring another one of my children home, yes, I would feel like I was going to die. But the funny thing is, he knows how it feels to lose a child. He lost his son Jesus. Losing Ava taught me that God is all I need even when my human body and emotions tell me otherwise. No, my emotions would be no less. No, it would not be easier. But I know that God would get me through. I know that these amazing children who reside with me are not really mine, but a gift from God. What a Mothers Day present.

easter

2009-04-13T01:25:00.000-04:00

Easter has a way of making me feel like I belong. I belong to this body of Christ, this group of people who believe that Christ died on the cross and rose three days later. This holiday has a way of making me feel like the journey is joyous, rewarding, and full of hope. Yes these things are true.

I've always liked the feeling of belonging. I liked it in elementary school hoping to not be the last kid chosen for a team, I liked it in high school when I felt like I "belonged" with a certain group, as an adult, I still rather enjoy it. :-) Maybe God is using this feeling to deepen my reliance on Him.

Josh and I are attending a new church. This is the first time in almost 10 years where my husband is not the pastor. Being a pastor's wife gives you a sense you belong, even when you don't know anyone. Going to a new church as a lay-person is different. You actually have to work at getting to know people. You have to reach out and TRY. I'm not always good at this. I'm pretty outgoing when I'm comfortable, but not in large crowds. Put me in a group with 4 or 6 people and I'm good to go, throw me into a church of a thousand and I'm just another fish out of water.

So, on this Easter Sunday, I know I belong to the greater body of Christ. God is using this situation to teach me things I have yet to learn. I don't like learning. It hurts.

I know we are in the right place. The teaching at this church is so fulfilling. It is causing me to dig deeper and get to know my God more than I ever have. The worship is such an expression of complete adoration that I have not experienced elsewhere. I am thankful that God has moved us to where he wants us. It just made for a different Easter morning...

No matter where I am on Easter morning, no matter the circumstances of my life, the truth continues. I am a Christ follower.

my suitcase

2009-04-03T01:27:00.000-04:00

I went to a viewing at a funeral home today. First off, why do they call it a viewing??? Did I really come to see the person who passed away or did I come to let the family know we were thinking and praying for them? I have a bad taste in my mouth already...

Second, what do you really say at things like that? I felt like I was in an alternate universe today.

I entered the funeral home (which happens to be at the church I grew up in which is now the new funeral home) and realized I had not been to one of these things since losing Ava. There is something about seeing a shell of a person when you know the person is in a better place. It resembles the person, you can still touch the person, but they are really gone. I remembered wanting to take Ava out of her casket and to hold her one more time. Seeing the body gives me such a wide array of emotions.

Mostly, it made me want to remember her more vividly today. I drove by her grave site. I talked to her baby brother about her. I told someone I have four kids. I doodled her name on a note pad. Nothing majorly out of the ordinary, it just felt "right."

I had to stop and pick up a prescription for Noah on the way home and ran into his nurse. She lost a daughter 6 years ago. The Lord knew I needed this. She was such an encouragement to me when I was feeling confused and distraught. She talked about how she loves her daughter more now just like she loves her other children more now than she did 6 years ago. It made me realize that I can love Ava more now than I did 4 years ago. I may not know her better than I did, but she has allowed me to know myself better. Probably in ways I never would have. Ways I wish I didn't, at least sometimes. She said her husband describes grief like a suitcase. Everyone carries one. Some are bigger, some are smaller. But everyone has to carry their own. I got to thinking about that and thought about how everyone lugs around their suitcase and nobody else can see what's inside. I want people to see inside of mine. I want to put it down, open the rusty latches, and open it wide. I imagine it to be brown, old looking leather, with goldish latches. It is worn, old. It's how I feel on the inside. But I want to open it up and let other people see what's inside. Here is an old shirt, the one I wear when I'm trying to act like I feel okay. Here are an old pair of shoes, the ones I wear when I'm trying to run away from the pain. Here are the heels I wear when I really truly feel like my life is still utterly amazing. Here is the bandana I wear when I know things are gonna get dirty. Cause it's messy here inside of me. Here is the lipstick I wear when I sing the praises of my Savior who has saved me from this ugly life. Here is the whiteining cream I put on my teeth so that I can shine and people can see there still is a light coming from within.

So my suitcase...it's mine. Filled with grief. Filled with truth. Mine.

new normal

2009-03-11T01:28:00.000-04:00

People have told us we will eventually reach a new normal. I think we are seeing that. It is incredibly refreshing and encouraging to see our life become what it has. I have been finding joy in the small things. This is something that I often struggle with. It has been so nice to enjoy a few minutes of cuddle time with Josh before falling asleep, or sitting on our back porch enjoying the warm weather watching Ephram explore our new yard, or watching Zoe help Noah read his homework. There have been many little things I have been so thankful for, and it's like I have new eyes. So, it seems like we are coming into a new normal. We have someone coming 4 nights a week to help Josh get in bed. This has eased the load off of me and has allowed me to get some better sleep. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love my sleep! We continue to have help in the morning to help Josh get ready every morning. We are having a pretty predictable schedule of what happens during the week. I like feeling like we have a typical life of most parents of young children. We sit down for dinner most nights and read Bible stories to the kids.

It has taken a lot for us to get to this point. Please continue to pray that we stay here. It's been a long, rough road but I see great hope ahead. I feel a sense of peace and satisfaction with where our life is. I pray this doesn't lead to complacency but with peace wherever God leads us next.

happiness

2009-02-21T22:18:00.000-05:00

"Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Okay, this isn't scripture but it is something that's been banging around in my head the past few days. It makes me realize how much my attitude ends up affecting me in the end. I'm not sure if I'm a happy person. I know I am a joyful person. Not sure that's the same.

I've had a tough couple of years. Somehow my fear of becoming bitter forces me to keep life in perspective. It makes me dig into my Bible and cling to God like I never would if my life had been easy. It has made my faith more real to me than I had ever thought it could be. I am a changed person because of the last four years. I think for the better. Yes, I still have LOTS of issues (ask anyone close to me and they could start a loooong list), but I continue to be refined.

On another note, Josh just finished drivers rehab. He has officially learned how to drive. He takes his driving test with the state of Michigan on Monday. Have you ever seen a quadriplegic try to parallel park? Pretty funny stuff. I can say that. I'm married to one and he knows I'm crazy about him! :-) He had a meeting with Michigan Rehab (a government funded program that helps people with disabilities get back to work and back to paying tax dollars) hoping that part of the cost of fixing the van for him to drive would be covered. It will cost between 35 and 40 thousand dollars. Shocker huh? (For those negative thinkers out there I am NOT asking for any money! I just thought the cost puts things in perspective.) Anyway, it was a no-go. I was pretty frustrated but Josh wasn't. That was the grace of God pouring on him. He and his rehab worker started putting together a plan of how he can get to school and then back to work. The poor guy would go crazy if he never went back to work. Anyway, he left feeling pretty excited about going back to school in the fall. It will probably take a while for us to get the van outfitted for him to drive, but it WILL happen. He is excited to take the kids places, run errands, meet friends. Normal things that I take for granted.

I'm going to cut this short. My sister just walked in the door. Notice, this is the second post this week. Be impressed. Be very impressed. It doesn't happen often! :-)

insecurity...

2009-02-17T12:35:00.000-05:00

Satan is one crafty fellow. I hate him. I'm allowed to say that when it comes to the devil (for all of us moms of young children, you know what I mean). How is it that he know my insecurities and uses them against me every time? Why do I continue to fall for his sneaky lies?

After Ava died, I asked people to pray very specifically that I would get the truth of God's sovereignty into my heart. God knew Ava's life on this earth would be short, and I didn't want to destroy myself with the never-ending "what if" questions. God granted that request a thousand times over. Yes, I wish it could have been different. Yes, it was terrible. Still is. But God is sovereign. He knew before time began the number of days Ava would be here with us. My abilities/inabilities as her mother could not change that.

After Josh got hurt I still did not question God's sovereignty. I knew he could still use Josh in a mighty way. I knew he would give me the strength to handle whatever lay ahead. Yes, I prayed for a miracle (still do every once in a while) but the miracle I asked for was not granted. Still, I trusted.

Now I lay here in my bed with the beginnings of an understanding of who God made me. I have been doubting myself so much over the past few months. I am realizing that doubting myself, when I have placed my life in His hands, is doubting God. Yes, I am worth loving, yes I am worth friendships, because of Christ. He has placed these needs and desires in me for a reason. He created ME. And that means I have to love me- because I am his. Wholely, totally, completely all His. This is where my self-worth comes from. So, all of Satan's craftiness has only brought me one step further in my walk with God. Yes, I still wonder who it is that God wants me to be, how he wants to use me, but I will continue to proclaim that I am worthy because of Christ!

real deal

2009-02-03T16:36:00.000-05:00

(from Josh)

Most of you realize that I rarely post on this blog. The biggest reason is that due to a PC (Vista) issue I don't have voice recognition software. I am typing this with a thumb. :)

Shelly doesn't know that I am posting this. She is picking up some stuff at Meijer.

Shelly is the real deal. She is an amazing, Spirit filled woman of God. She daily spends time in Scripture. She is a great mom and wife and one of the best people and one of the best friends you could ever know. When she writes of her journey, she writes with complete honesty and humility. (you can all tell this).

She is a spiritual giant.

And we do have a lot of fun around here. Check out the YouTube video... "Movie Time"

NOTICE THAT SHELLY POSTED YESTERDAY!

thank you

2009-02-02T12:52:00.000-05:00

Thank you to all of my reader friends out there who have written such encouraging words for me. When Josh read what I had written, he was a bit taken aback and asked me if I was sure I wanted the whole world to be able to read some of my innermost thoughts and struggles. I thought about that and prayed very specifically for God to reveal His desires to me.

God has given me a passion for sincerity. This can sometimes be my downfall. Everyone knows what I'm thinking most of the time. Especially when I write on here. This is sort of my therapy. It gives me somewhere to process my thoughts on life and my relationship with Christ. God is doing a work in me and on my heart. I have been forced to look at things in me that are ugly and wish would just go away. God continues to follow me, encourage me, and tells me how much he loves me. Even when I mess up time and again.

Over the past week, my heart has been having a work done on it. My heart has felt more contentment than it has in a long time. I know this is not something I am doing but something that God is doing. I still am wondering a lot of things, same as before, but I am feeling much more at peace with it all.

Yes, I know many things about myself. I just wish that God would reveal to me now what all this "stuff" in my life is teaching me. Guess lots of these answers will have to wait until heaven.

Wanted you to know how much I appreciate your prayers. Please keep praying for my heart, that my desire would be whatever my Father's desire is.

hmmmmmm...

2009-01-26T01:51:00.000-05:00

God continues to work in my life. He has made himself more apparent over the last few months than the two years before. Yes, I know God was with us, yet I see him so much more clearly. This growth comes with a great amount of pain. I just read somewhere that "nothing grows on the mountaintops, it all grows in the valleys."

I am in a valley. I can only look up. But you know what I see? I see a God who continues to be faithful to me who seems more real than he did yesterday or the day before. I am a woman falling apart on my own and yet God continues to hold me together. I have been crying out to him that the life I want, the one I deserve is nowhere to be found. He then reminds me what I really deserve...and it's ugly. I am an ugly person without God. I am selfish, judgmental, and angry. God takes these ugly things and works in my life in ways that I don't deserve. I am still these things. I am a work in progress. I am a woman who continues to try to figure out who I am in God.

This has been such a heartache for me over the last few months. Who am I? Am I a wife, mother, Christ-follower, friend? All these things are descriptions of me, but I seem to have lost ME. I really don't know who I am. I am confused. I am hurting. But I know one thing to be true. Without God, I am not me. So, I hold on to this one truth and continue on this journey. I look to his word and know that many went before me who feel the same as I do too. I pray for God to work in this ugly heart of mine and make it like his own. Show me who I am God, show me who I am in You.

two years

2009-01-19T00:17:00.000-05:00

It's been two years since Josh's accident. Wow. Time flies and stands still at the same time. I amazed at how far he has come and how little he has come. I really believed he would walk again. God had other plans. I realize he may walk again if science comes far enough or God decides a miracle is in order, but I thought he would walk again, like a year and a half ago. Every once in a while, he will have a weird sensation or pain that makes me think that it's still possible, then reality hits. My husband is a quadraplegic. It sucks. Is that okay to say???

Outside of it being two years, we continue to carry on. Life has been tough the last two months. More things not related to this, but tough all the same. More ways I am learning to trust the God I love. Sometimes I feel like my heart may break, yet I make it through the day and wake up again the next morning. I am learning that God knows a heck of a lot more than I do. I knew that already, but I am learning again. I am learning it deeper, more fully; not without pain...but with my God.

grief

2008-12-27T01:54:00.000-05:00

Grief is complicated. It is all consuming. I know about grief. But I also know about the reprieve that God has given to me. I consider it a gift. An amazing one at that. But one I do not want all the time. Today, I want to miss my little girl. I went to a friends house tonight who just had a baby girl three days ago. She was yellow from jaundice, had dark hair galore and reminded me of my little girl. I came home and decided that I wanted to feel bad. Does that sound stupid? With Ava being gone for over three years, my grief is not usually as heart-wrenching on a day to day basis. It feels good to grieve sometimes. It makes her feel close.

So, when does my grief end? I never really thought about that until a few days ago. You'd think I'd have thought of that before, considering how many books I've read regarding losing a child but I never really thought about when I'd be done. I was running the track at the YMCA, talking (or rather huffing) with a friend and we got to talking about Ava. As we talked, I came to this realization that most of you probably already realize, but to me, it was eye-opening. My grief will never be over in this lifetime. When I am 80, I will still miss my little girl. I will still hurt for all that was lost, or that was never to be. Instead of it seeming like a death sentence though, I find it comforting. Knowing that my baby will always be a part of me, that God has allowed my heart to love so deeply, to know that I never have to be "over it."

merry christmas

2008-12-25T23:21:00.000-05:00

It's been a good day. I just finished putting away all the kids goodies from grandpa and grandma. We had a nice time celebrating Christmas with my parents today. I marvel at the fact that my God sent a baby to earth to save ME. He also sent that baby to save YOU. It becomes so simple when you try to explain it to your kids. It creates in me a child-like faith that I treasure. I serve an amazing God who has given me gifts beyond understanding and stood beside me while I went through the valleys. I am a fallen woman. A woman saved by grace. Now THAT'S a Christmas present!

alive...

2008-12-08T12:24:00.000-05:00

much has been happening around our home. as time progresses, I know that we will be letting you a little more into our lives. I really believe that God continues to teach me through each trial, error and success. I'm sorry for the huge lull. When things started getting crazy around here about a month ago, I really had every intention of putting up a new post.

So, even though things are tough right now, I thought I'd let you know we are still alive.

The other day, we got out all our Christmas stuff and one of the things that came out of hiding was a Little People Nativity set. Ephram has been having a hay-day with all the parts. The other day, all the parts got thrown into the toy box and so I decided to go rescue it. Well, I could find every part but the most important part- baby Jesus. Hmmm... where did it go? I looked through every conceivable place and still, no baby Jesus. So, I thought I'd go to Noah who always seems to know where all the random stuff is around the house. I said, "Noah, where is baby Jesus? I can't find him anywhere." He sort of looked at me for a few seconds and then said, "Well, He's not lost. He's in my heart."

Okay, the kid might actually be getting it (I still couldn't find the baby Jesus toy). So, the last few days, as we've been looking for Jesus, he keeps talking about how Jesus lives in his heart. I started out thinking we had lost the most important part of the nativity set and ended up thinking that it may be the most appropriate.

By the way, we found Jesus today. He was hiding under Ephram's bed behind a basket I SWORE I moved. :-) Is anyone else as hair-brained as me?

friends

2008-10-17T14:33:00.000-04:00

I have amazing friends... When I moved to Grand Rapids, I didn't know anyone but my sister. I figured my sister would always be enough, and she is, but a great circle of friends is a blessing. I sat at a coffee shop tonight for a Bible Study with five moms from church and was amazed at how God had brought us together. Each one of them has a special story, each one of them is connected to my heart in a special way. God has taught me so much through each of my friends. I often wonder if that is why so many of my friends are different from each other. How would I learn from each of them if they were all similar? We sat around the table and we each had a turn to say what the others had in their personality that was a blessing to us. It turned out to be such a blessing to be able to tell others how they have touched my life. Some of these girls did not come into my life until after Josh got hurt and some of them came within weeks of Ava's death. Each of them have been a source of strength and encouragement to me when times are hard. Thank you girls for an amazing friendship. It sometimes seems like I've lost a lot in life but then I look at what I've gained because of those losses and I am amazed. I would still never have chosen for life to take the path it has, but it has all the same. My losses are great but my blessings are greater. Please be praying for Josh. He is struggling with a bad cough that is getting him down both physically and emotionally. Because he does not have abdominal muscles, coughing is very difficult. He sort of throws himself forward in his chair to get a small cough out. It looks a bit ridiculous but it seems to help a bit. He is wearing himself out doing this. We have tried quite a few cough medicines, etc but they don't seem to do the trick. Because it is so hard on him physically, it starts to get him down emotionally. He laid in bed a few hours ago, gagging because his need to cough was so great with tears rolling down his face. I was unsure if the tears were from the cough or from the emotions. His mind tends to start running too fast when he is down and gets him down further. He asked me to pray with him specifically about this. I figured I could ask you to do the same. :-) Both kids are doing better in school all the time. Zoe has pajama day tomorrow and is excited about that. Noah loves to play basketball on the playground and talk the ear off of his bus drivers. Ephrams new mobility is keeping me on my toes. He is starting to try and run a bit and it is quite a sight. He still does a lot of falling but it is getting better all the time. Zoe and I are going to take a pumpkin to put on Ava's grave tomorrow. She just realized a few weeks ago that Ava's body is in the ground there. We had never been very explicit on where Ava's body went after she died. Not sure how she figured that one out. I guess is was inevitable. That was an interesting conversation... That's the summary of my kiddos. :-) I guess that's all that's going on here. I hope all of you are doing well and enjoying fall. The colors here are so vibrant! This is my favorite season!!!

shucks...

2008-10-11T14:34:00.000-04:00

Sorry but this is going to be short and sweet. I somehow managed to delete a huge post and I am a little disgusted with myself. Oh well. For a few of you who wanted to see a few more pics of the blessing otherwise known as our home, go to www.thebuckproject.com and you should be able to view a bunch more. An amazing guy from Calvary came and took a bunch of pictures with a wide angle lens. They turned out amazing. You will have to copy and paste to get to the web site. Sorry, I'm not so techno savvy. Noah is continuing to do great. Zoe is doing better going to school. She is not so anxious or teary eyed in the morning which makes this momma happy. Ephram is walking and talking like crazy and is very clearly calling his daddy "Josh." It cracks me up! Josh and I took a quick trip to the Eastern Shore for my cousin Erin's wedding. It went off nearly flawlessly. This was such a blessing! It was a long drive but we figured it was much easier than flying and having to transfer from all kinds of wheelchairs and plane seats. Josh's office is nearing completion. We are so excited to have it almost done. We are having some countertops put in so he can have access to all of the stuff he needs like printers and faxes. Yay! No more cords for me! The carpet looks great and all of his office furniture is now put together. He has a ton of bookshelves to put his massive amounts of books on. It will be nice to not have to dig through boxes looking for specific books he needs to prepare messages. He's just excited to have everything in one place. We went to grandpa and grandma's today for breakfast and it lasted past lunch. They had been on vacation for a little over two weeks and Noah was on serious grandpa withdrawal. They helped make breakfast, pick apples, took tractor rides and all the traditional stuff. Zoe wanted to plant her apple seeds by Ava's tree in my parents yard so my dad helped her. My precious little girl, always thinking of her baby sister. That's all for now. Heading off to bed. sorry so short...

Life...

2008-09-24T14:35:00.000-04:00

This past week has flown by. I am so thankful for amazing friends and family. My life has been a whirlwind of activity since the open house. I went out to NYC last weekend while my sister and brother-in-law stayed here at the house with our kids and helped Josh. My cousin and one of my best friends is getting married next week and I went out for her personal shower. I had not been to NYC since I was a fourth grader and we were only there for a day. I loved the city, the people, the activity, almost everything about it. What I loved the most was how much it made me appreciate where I live. Going out for a few days was ideal. I was ready to come home to my hubby and kids.

The kids have been adjusting to school life quite well. Noah continues to go to school like a champ. Zoe is struggling with going all day. She says it's too long. She loves to go on Fridays when she only goes for a half day. It's hard to send her out the door when she is upset, with tears in her eyes, saying she liked preschool better than kindergarten. I know it's what's best for her but it's kind of feels like she's ripping my heart out and stomping on it.

Ephram is finally walking!!! I can't remember if that happened the day of the last post or not, so if you already know, I'm sorry. :-) We are so excited for him and even more excited for non-calloused knees and clean hands. He is so proud of himself. He just cheeses this big crazy grin when he starts walking toward us. It melts this mommy's heart.

Josh is continuing to stay busy and enjoying having his own space in the house. His office is hopefully being carpeted on Friday. We can then start decorating a bit and getting his massive amount of books out and getting them onto shelves. This wife is tired of rifling through boxes every few days looking for a specific book or cord. :-) I know how much he will love having a place to call his own. He is staying busy working on graphic design projects and church stuff.

We had Fall Kickoff for church this past Sunday. One thing that we are really excited about is having all the kids come together for a time of worship. Each family got a CD with the 10 songs on it they will be singing this semester. This way, all the kids will learn the music. Each Sunday, they get their own live band and the kids are pumped. Zoe and Emmy got to help lead worship this past Sunday. What an amazing opportunity for her. Singing was the first thing Noah talked about on Monday morning. I love how much my kids love church. It solidifies that we are in the right church for us and that God is working in their lives.

Saturday is Family Fun Day in Allendale. We had it last year and had a blast!!! It is an amazing afternoon of fun for the kids and the adults had fun just talking and hanging out while the kids played. They have bounce houses, face painting, cotton candy, rides, and all kinds of fun stuff. There is also a silent auction and free food. It was a great success last year and a huge help to our family. I just loved how much my kids enjoyed themselves and all the other kids there. So, if you're looking for something to do on Satuday (the weather is supposed to be great!) from 3p-7p, head out to Allendale Middle School. It's right on Lake Michigan Drive between 64th and 68th avenue on the north side of the road (or mapquest it). It's guaranteed to be a great time. Hope to see you there!

house pictures!!!

2008-09-18T14:36:00.000-04:00

it's a miracle

2008-09-18T14:32:00.000-04:00

No, Josh is not walking...sorry if that post title sort of freaked you out. :0(

This is as close to a miracle as Josh walking though.

Ephram is walking!!!!

Look down to the last few posts. I have been post crazy over the last couple of hours.

Pictures to come later today. I borrowed my sister's camera cord to download some pics.

Much love.

pictures? what pictures?

2008-09-17T14:41:00.000-04:00

So, I took a handful of pictures tonight to post here on the site. Great idea huh? Until I couldn't find the cord to link up my camera with my computer. Most of the stuff in the house is organized except for all the cords etc. that will go in Josh's office. I'm sure that is where my cord happens to be. :0) Sorry. I'll try to get back tomorrow and post them.

The open house went absolutely amazing. The dedication ceremony was heart-tugging to say the least. The prayer that Pastor Jim Samra prayed was truly blessed. He prayed for the house to be a place where ministry is done, where our family is home, where people of GR can see what God has done, and many other things. We are amazed by God's blessing...and we are home!

The past few days have been nothing but normal. I'm back to cooking regular meals where we all sit down and eat. The kids are adjusting well to school. This momma is loving having the kids back in school for a bit every day.

I spent about 4 and a half hours working on finances with a friend today. We got all of our bills together, created a new budget for the new house, and generally got all the moving craziness under control. I was so overwhelmed with all the paperwork that she took it into her hands to help me get it done. I could never have done it without her. She is a strong Christian woman who only has our best interest at heart, making sure we are being responsible and wise with what the Lord has blessed us with.

I can't wait to show you all pics of the new house, but it will have to wait. Please be in prayer for Josh as he is nearing driver's training. He is a bit apprehensive (obviously so). Pray that the Lord reveals what plans he has for him, and that Josh's heart would follow along with the Lord's leading. Being able to drive will open up many new avenues for Josh such as going to seminary. We are continuously praying for God's guidance- for him to be the leader of our house. We are praying for clarity as we set out on this new journey of life after spinal cord injury.

family fun

2008-09-16T14:42:00.000-04:00

FAMILY FUN DAY 2

SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 27

3 P.M. TO 7 P.M.

ALLENDALE MIDDLE SCHOOL

6561 LAKE MICHIGAN DR.

ALLENDALE, MI 49401

FREE INFLATABLES, CLOWNS, CRAFTS, WAGON RIDES, GAMES

PIZZA SUPPER (DONATION)

SILENT AUCTION

CAR SHOW

AND MUCH MORE!

Join us at the second annual Family Fun Day, a festival put on by a generous anc caring group of Shelly's friends from high school. All funds raised benefit Josh and Shelly and their ministries.

we're here!!!

2008-09-09T14:43:00.000-04:00

We are really starting to settle in. The past two weeks have been a whirlwind of activity- contractors coming and going, friends helping unpack boxes, family over for fun times together. We are starting to feel at home here at the house. I am laying in my bed right now and it is the first time since Josh's accident that I feel like we have a normal bedroom. :-) We don't just have a normal bedroom, we have a beautiful bedroom! I am really looking forward to posting some pictures but I want to wait until after the Open House. I don't want to spoil the fun for anyone who is wanting to see it firsthand. Come and see this amazing gift that God has given us- through you.

The Open House starts at noon this Saturday. There is a dedication service from 12 to about 12:20 and then they will open up the house. All of the specialty items purchased to help Josh will be working. There will be someone in each of the rooms with equipment, demonstrating how things work. The ceiling lift will be going, the I-Bot (balancing wheelchair) will be performing many a stunt, and the elevator will be available for viewing. I hope many of you can see what an incredible blessing this house is and will be for many years to come.

Josh is really loving some space of his own. He has spent much of this week working on a graphic arts project for a company selling a type of honey as a cough suppressant for children. It is so great for him to have some space of his own to get work done in and have meetings in. This is the only room not completed but he's not complaining! He loves having a door he can close and get to work in.

The kids are adjusting quite well. Zoe seems to be having the hardest time. We went to a neighborhood picnic on Sunday night and she just sat in Josh's lap and would act like she was sleeping. She continuously asked for us to take her home. There are numerous girls in the neighborhood, but they are all older than she. Please be praying for her to make some special friends who will make her feel welcome.

Noah is adjusting to school with flying colors. This is his fourth year of school already so he's an old pro. He has been jumping on the bus with little to no hesitation and already has his bus driver wrapped around his little finger. She is already letting him open up the door to the bus- he thinks he's big stuff. In the mornings, he goes to a Kinder-care class. This is a class for kids whose parents work and are in half-day kindergarten. No, we don't work but Noah has already been in all-day school and we don't want to lessen the amount of time he spends at school. In the mornings is when he gets socialization with other kids who are part of the general ed. population. In the afternoons, he goes to an Intensive Kindergarten. This a self-contained class with 10 students so he is getting plenty of one on one attention. So far, we are very happy with his transition.

Ephram continues on his happy way, indifferent to the changes around him. He is starting to talk so much. He thinks he needs to hang with the big kids and has taken to screaming when they shut him out or don't let him try something himself. He continues to crack us up. He is still not walking (little stinker) but crawls at a shockingly fast speed. He loves to get in his stroller and walk his brother and sister to the bus stop.

We are starting to eat at home, as a family more which is great. Before the move, things were so chaotic it seemed like that fell off some. We are back to making it a priority and loving our time around the dinner table together. It makes me realize how special it is to take the time to sit together and just "be." Zoe has been setting an extra place for Ava so we all don't forget her. She was telling a neighbor she has a sister and then said so matter of fact that she is "dead" but she lives in heaven with Jesus. This poor woman did not know what to say. :-) We did not say that word at first but found that we avoided the concrete words because they were hard for us. We have since started saying the harder words because this is what our kids seem to understand the easiest and they don't have all the social understandings of what's appropriate and what's not. We have just disregarded the social norms and did what we thought was best for our kids.

I feel as though I have carried on and wrote a novel. Sorry about the lapse in posting. Our internet was very flighty at first and we finally have the glitches worked out (now if we could just get Comcast to bury that stupid wire...another story all together!). Blessings to you all...

moving in

2008-08-26T14:46:00.000-04:00

Since Josh and Shelly still don't have internet connections, I thought I'd quickly let you all know that moving day went well. Actually, it was fabulous. Wonderful. Excellent. Amazing. Lots of strong arms from Greenhouse showed up to help. Plus two kind men and their big truck. Plus two of my old friends (old as in they've been friends a long time!) with delicious food for everyone. Everything was out of the old rental house and into the new house by around 4 or 5. By 7 p.m. all beds were made and the kitchen was pretty much unpacked. I'll let Shelly fill in the details of the kids' reactions and all the other feelings, but those are the bare details of a very wonderful day.

I've been at Shelly's every day since helping to get everything in its place. I watched on Saturday as she stood in her new kitchen making sandwiches, a very ordinary but very special sight. A friend called it claiming her territory in her new home. We're slowly making it feel like home, especially as we get out favorite items that have been packed away since the last move to the rental house. I'm so grateful to all those who have shown the love of God that lives in them by loving on our kids. What a gift of happiness in the midst of so much difficulty!

Jean (Shelly's mom)

the big day!!!

2008-08-21T14:47:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is the big day!!! As of 12 hours from now, we will officially be moving!!!!!!!! (How many more exclamation points can I post?) People are arriving around 9:00 a.m. and we will officially be underway. It will be a huge job, but we have many willing hands! Last night, a group of prayer-warriors did a prayer "walk-through." They prayed in every room, and for every family member. We are so blessed. They also gave us a gift called a mezuzah. It is a ceramic plaque, about 2 inches by about 6 inches. In the back of it is a small opening to put a piece of paper with the scripture of Deuteronomy 6:4. "Hear, oh Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One." You place this mezuzah in your doorway and touch it on your way in. The significance of this gift is so touching. We have received many wonderful gifts for our new home but this one will always hold a special place. I will post a picture of it after we place it at our door. The last few days have been full of packing, organizing, and planning. I don't always work so well under this type of pressure. It stresses me out. Josh said sarcastically, "Yeah, we've endured a lot. Paralysis and all... but it was moving day that was the end of us!" Giggle giggle. The kids are excited about the move. Noah can't wait for the swing in his new room and Zoe wants to see the rainbow painted on her wall. Ephram just sits around grinning. We will be trained tomorrow in the use of all the features of the house that will make Josh's life easier. Because we have not been trained, we have not been able to see them in action. So starting tomorrow, Josh will have a ceiling lift, an elevator, doors that open by remote, sinks and stoves he can pull under...the list goes on. The blessing of this house is beyond comprehension. For some reason, God chose to place us on the heart of a spiritual leader who felt it was his job to get something started. The "something" is a beautiful home for our family. Thank you to all of you who have prayed so diligently through this process. The people we have worked with have been wonderful. Everyone has been so generous and genuine. We have made great friends in the process. We are grateful. So grateful. The dream is becoming a reality.

happy birthday part 2

2008-08-19T04:25:00.000-04:00

Josh got so many birthday wishes I couldn't figure out how to post them all. I gave up and decided to post.

32 years ago, around 8:00 in the evening if I remember correctly, Josh entered this world. He has brought so much joy to my life. He continues to make me laugh, encourage me, and lift me up to our heavenly Father. He continues to be a dedicated father and husband, and makes me proud almost every minute of the day. He continues to handle this hurdle in his life with dignity and poise which is only God given.

We are moving in on Friday if all goes as planned. The lower level will be finished in the beginning of September, but the upper level is very livable. I can't believe this if finally happening. I cannot wait for people to come in and see the house that God's people built. Pretty incredible.

I took the two older kids to Target this morning to buy daddy some presents. Each picked him out a DVD about Earthy produced by PBS and we all watched it together this afternoon. Zoe was the wrapping master and wrote out cards to Daddy (even filling out the one from me, signing it from "Shelly") and was beyond proud of herself! We went out to Carrabba's for dinner with my mom and dad and Holly and Jay. It was very nice. We then went on to meet a large group of friends later at a restaurant and had cake shaped like a bear (long story, don't ask!).

I am heading off to sleep. I have plenty to do to keep me busy before Friday so this little momma is hitting the hay!

happy birthday

2008-08-18T15:02:00.000-04:00

Happy birthday, Josh! Wish Josh a happy 32nd birthday today!

08-08-08

2008-08-09T02:42:00.000-04:00

Today was amazing.

Really amazing. :-)

Yesterday evening, Josh and I headed down to Marion, IN to be a part of a golf scramble to benefit our ministry and family. It was an uneventful night (this is saying a lot considering we stayed at a hotel- not easy for us newbies in the area of quadriplegia) and did not run in to any major difficulties. We arrived at the golf outing around 10:00 a.m. and were greeted by many family members and friends. The feeling of love was overwhelming to us both at times. For Josh, to return to his hometown, see so many familiar faces, many of whom he has not seen in years, and feel such a strong support system was amazing. He had a perpetual grin on his face. I love to see him glowing!

The outing was a complete success, with many friends and family putting in countless hours of hard work. We know how much people have sacrificed to make this outing a success. We say thank you from the bottom of our heart.

Josh had a chance to share from his heart during the lunch portion of the scramble. To hear how God continues to work in his life makes me a proud wife. :-) We have many dreams and are praying for God to put some clarity to the plan. We both know that God wants us to use this for his glory, we are just unsure how this will take place. Please be in prayer for us as we attempt to finish up our 501(c)3 status and have to have a clear, concise synopsis of what we are attempting to do. You know any form of a "synopsis" is difficult for me. I tend to run on and on and on... you get the picture.

We move in to our new home two weeks from today. The sod was laid yesterday and it looks absolutely amazing. The garage door is laid out in the garage, ready to be installed. I never thought I'd be so excited over either, but I am! Josh's lift system is ready to go, able to get him in and out of bed with ease, into the bathtub if he so chooses, and onto different workout equipment. The blessings just keep on coming.

Some friends are throwing us a housewarming party on Sunday (much undeserved but greatly appreciated) and we are getting excited. We just heard that the boys are invited so we are even more excited. Yes, Josh does care about the color of the towels, the light fixtures and most everything in between. He may not be your typical male, but that's what makes him who he is and why I like him so much!

Thank you to all of you who continue to follow us, pray for us, support us, and continually check up on us. We are truly blessed!

August 1st

2008-08-01T15:43:00.000-04:00

Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." TNIV This verse has been very close to my heart over the last few days. I had a conversation with my mother-in-law last weekend that really solidified this verse for me. First, some previous information thay may be helpful. Three years ago today our daugther, Ava Nicole, left this world to live with her heavenly Father. The past three years have been a major uphill battle but the Lord has been near to us through it all. After we lost Ava, the mental pictures of that day were nearly controlling my mind. I began to ask for prayer, specifically that the Lord would take these pictures from my mind and replace them with memories and peace. Fast forward three years and to my conversation last weekend. We were talking about Ava and how we have come so far since her death. We talked about how three years ago, before Ava's death, we were different people than we are now. Yes, it has been hard, but the growth that takes place is immeasurable. We went on to talk about how we remember her. The only word I could think of to describe that point in my life and the memory of Ava is "bittersweet." My memories are no longer of that horrible day and the pictures that went along with that. God granted many peoples prayers. Today, I remember her sweet little face. I remember taking her to the zoo and how contented she was all day in her car seat. I remember the day she was born and I was so drugged that I kept falling asleep right after she was born. The doctors thought it would be a few hours and it turned out to be only a few minutes. :-) I remember how we felt our family was complete. The day we brought Ava home I was sad that our birthing days were over. My memories also include the time after her death. We spent about a week at the lake a few days after she died, just to get away. I remember thinking that if my heart could crush my body, it would. I thought I would never take a bite of food with enjoyment ever again. Swallowing past the lump in my throat was difficult for months. I remember standing at Zoe's and Noah's cribs every evening and thanking God for getting us through another day. But the funny thing is, the pictures of that day and that hour of wondering if she would survive or not no longer have control over my mind. God granted the prayers of many and relieved me of carrying that burden. I don't think I would be the person I am today if I had to carry those pictures around in my head. Through this all, my God has given my many things. He gave me a closer relationship with those around me, he gave me another wonderful son, he saved my husband when he should have died, but most of all, he have me Himself.

Hijack

2008-07-31T16:25:00.000-04:00

This is Jean, Shelly's mom, highjacking their blog to let you in on some exciting information. THE MOVE IN DATE HAS BEEN SET. Oh, well, maybe Shelly already mentioned that they will be moving into their wonderful new home on August 22. The house is in its final stages, with tile and plumbing and landscaping going in.

To celebrate and to help outfit this new home, Shelly's friends from Greenhouse, their church, are having a housewarming party on August 10, 2:00 p.m. at the church on 1513 E. Fulton SE, Grand Rapids, MI 49516. A number of friends and family received invitations, but we also wanted to open this up to Josh and Shelly's faithful friends on this blog. If you'd like to come, we'd love to have you there. Please letJulia132@aol.com know that you plan to attend. Shelly is registered at Bed Bath and Beyond and at Target.

To those of you who I KNOW will ask if I don't mention it here, my ankle is healing fine. I went to the surgeon yesterday and had the stitches removed from the 4" incisions on each side of my ankle. Lots of blood and drainage and bruising and swelling. Too much information? OK, I'll move on. I have a new, removable cast and in 2 weeks I can get rid of this knee cart and start walking on it. Anyone who wants to see the xray picture of the huge plate and screws that now reside in my ankle, just let me know. I have it in my purse!

As many of you know, tomorrow is the third anniversary of the day we lost Josh and Shelly's precious little Ava. We'll commemorate the day together as a family in the way that has become a tradition already. I have a "memory" craft for everyone to make. We'll bring our creations out to Ava's grave, and we'll let pink balloons go.

When we get close to these anniversaries, I still have to remind myself why I'm feeling sad and anxious. Perhaps its because these experiences and the feelings that go with them are not what God planned for us as human beings. When sin entered the world, so did the death of little ones like Ava, and so did the sadness and anxiousness. But we've still retained our original design within ourselves, that this is not the way it was meant to be. So we're surprised by the experience and by the feelings that go with it.

Well, I've gone on a lot longer than Shelly probably intended when she gave me permission to "highjack" their blog. Oh well, open the door and I'm gonna go through, broken ankle, tears over Ava and all...

July 23, 2008

2008-07-23T16:27:00.000-04:00

Hello all. We are doing well here at the Buck household. Ephram got tubes put in his ears last week and is doing great! He is a bit less fussy, although he has never been fussy baby. :-) We got to the hospital at 6:45 and we were gone before 8:30. Not too bad huh? This should solve his ear infection and numerous fevers issue. Josh continues on working for the church. He and my Uncle Randy have been doing a lot getting ready for the golf scramble on Saturday. It should be a great time. We have heard of numerous people we have never met who will be there, so we are looking forward to that. The house is getting very close to completion. The tile is going in the last few days as well as the elevator. Josh has been in the lower level only once so he is getting excited to see his office and the other areas he will use often. We have been furniture shopping and going to meetings the past week which makes for a busy week. We went to my mom and dad's house tonight for a little swim party. My brother, Derek, is in town from Florida so we've been having lots of family time. It's been great. We all met for dinner in Grand Haven on Monday at my parents RV. The kids went swimming and we went for a few walks. It can be hard for Josh to be in these situations because it becomes so obvious to him what he can't do anymore. All in all, he did really well. After we left, my parents and brother went for a walk on the pier and my mom fell and broke her ankle. She had to have surgery yesterday to have plates and pins placed which put a bit of a damper on things. (Yes, I'm being a bit sarcastic!) She is home and in good spirits. Please pray for her health and for infection to not set in. She was feeling a bit cold and under the weather when we took off this evening. On the way home I saw something that has had me thinking. We were heading east on Lake Michigan Drive toward home when I saw a mother and little boy around four walking on the sidewalk. A large white dog went running for them and jumped on the little boy. This was no mild jumping- the dog was attacking the little boy. The mom lunged forward and wrapped herself around her little boy. The owner was screaming at the dog trying to get it back under control. It all happened in just a few seconds but it really shook me up. I feel like that little boy. It seems like no matter which way I turn, that dog is still coming after me. The attack is relentless. The devil is insisting on this attack. And even when my heavenly Father wraps his arms around me to protect me, I am so scared I try to shake him off too, until I take that second to realize that someone is trying to protect me, not harm me. I'm sure that little boy was not sure what was going on when his mom wrapped her arms around him and yanked him to the side. I find myself pulling away from people lately. These are people who I know God has placed in my life as an encouragement and a positive influence. I know I pull away because my heart hurts. The three year anniversary of Ava's homegoing will be next Friday, August first. This has been another challenging year but one where I realize the constant ache and lump in my throat is much less prevalent. There are still times of such poignant grief yet they are becoming less often. There are still times where I realize that she is never far from my heart. For example, we were at camp last Sunday and I was sitting next to Sarah during the service. Josh had a power point presentation with pictures of all our kids, including Ava. Part way through the worship set, and before Josh was speaking, Sarah leaned over and said, "There's Ava!" Keep in mind that the strongest memories I have of her are at camp, a little over a week before she died. We spent the whole week together there, as a family, and the memories are very special. Well, when Sarah says, "There's Ava," my first gut reaction is to gasp and look. What she meant was "Look. There is a picture of Ava." After three years you would think I would not react that way. I have come to the conclusion that I will probably react that way when I'm 85. I will always be missing my little girl until I see her again. Anyway, a lot of thoughts running through my head, not much structure...typical me.

"For I know the plans I have for you..."

2008-07-09T16:28:00.000-04:00

We had a fun night tonight. We went to Brad and Sarah's house and had a cook out with numerous people from church. We have made such great friends since we moved to Grand Rapids a little over 3 years ago. Looking back, I don't know how we would have made it through the last three years without the support, prayer and love of our church family. There was a little girl there tonight whose name is Ava. Crazy thing is- they are the family that rent our past house from us while it is for sale. She stays in the bedroom where our little Ava stayed. Two Ava's, one room.

Josh and I play this sick little game of what we would give to get back to July 31, 2005. This is the day before Ava died. This game also includes Josh not being hurt. We realize that we would give up any earthly possession to get back the life we had then. Funny thing is, we're not given this choice. Nothing I can do or say can make time turn back. The other "funny" thing is, I'm not sure I'd go back if it meant having to be the person I was then. I'm not sure I'd recognize who I was then, nor really like her. I was much more concerned with what people thought, especially what they thought of me. I now am mainly concerned with what God thinks of me. Who am I really out to please? Did all of this happen so that God could make me more like his Son? I surely don't like the situation I'm in, but I am trying to trust God, knowing he knows best.

Thank you for all your responses in regards to my feeling depressed. Yes, I realize meds can be a huge help. Yes, I realize exercise is a huge release. As of right now, I am working at them both. I take the kids to the YMCA 5 mornings a week to work off some stress. It works well with our schedule. I take off while Josh's caretaker is getting him ready for the day. I get home right about when he is getting out of our bedroom; just in time to share a cup of coffee together. Please continue to pray for me. I do not want to be a discouragement to my family or friends. I just want to feel some normal... I long for normalcy.

Life...

2008-07-06T16:33:00.000-04:00

I am sorry. I know there are numerous of you who check our blog regularly and have found no new updates. I apologize. I am trying to get back into a routine and it has not been successful as of yet. I did post a huge update about a week and a half ago only to have my computer die on me and not be able to get it back. Yes, that was slightly frustrating! :-)

We have an official move in date: August 22!!!! We are so excited. As far as we understand, it will not change. Painting starts tomorrow and the upstairs floor are laid. Yaaaay! The kids were able to take their shoes off inside the house and slide around on the floors in their socks. They thought this was great fun. The floor looks gorgeous! I would love to post the latest pictures but can't which leads to my next point of business.

Last weekend, someone stole some things from our home. Not too much was taken, but it still has a tendency to make one feel unsafe. They took my laptop and our digital camera. I know it is only "stuff." It can always be replaced. The thing that bothers me the most is losing all our pictures. I got the laptop just a few weeks after Josh's accident and every picture since has been saved on that computer. It really makes me angry. It also makes me angry at myself for not saving them on discs also. These were the only copies. So, if you are stupid like me :-) go and make some copies. If any of you have any pictures that involve our family, we would love to get some copies. All of the pictures of the first few minutes of Ephram's life were there. In the past year and a month, he has changed dramatically. Then I can look at it from another perspective. I have all of Ava's pictures and no little girl. I have few pictures of my little bud but I still have him. Maybe I shouldn't complain huh?

Josh's nerve pain has gotten much better. Thank you to all of you who have been praying for this. We are still in the process of getting his spasms under control. He seems less frustrated with it as of late. He has been busy with church stuff and 311 stuff (our not for profit formed after the accident). He is speaking next Sunday morning at the West Michigan church camp service. I grew up here and love going back. The service is at 10:45 a.m. in Hastings, MI at Winding Creek Camp for any of you interested in stopping by. He has started working on graphic design again and has found that he can do it with minimal difficulty. This is a blessing. It's so refreshing to find something that still works like it did before the accident.

We have found an amazing woman who is joining our family three days a week to help around the house and with the kids. Her name is Kathy and Noah immediately started calling her "Aunt Kathy" with no instruction from us. She is a strong Christian woman who is a grandma in her early 50's. God has really blessed us with the right person for our family. Josh has even taken to her which is saying a lot! That sounded bad... my real meaning behind that is that it's hard for him to have people come over to help, because it seems to scream of all the changes our life has gone through in the past year and a half. All to say, we are so thankful that he really likes Kathy.

We had a great 4th of July. We took the fam to downtown GR and enjoyed the fireworks. Even Ephram enjoyed them. We weren't sure if he would love them or be scared, but he just watched in awe. We hit Taco Bell on the way home and the four of us were eating tacos at 12:30 in the morning. The kids thought it was great. I love to make memories like these.

So, why the big lull in updating? Life has been tough for me. I do not say this so you all can say "Oh poor you" but so that you can pray for me. I have been feeling pretty depressed and very overwhelmed. It's so frustrating to feel so down and just want everything to go away. I have been spending a lot of time listening to praise and worship music, trying to connect with God on a regular basis, even when it seems like the time is so short. I know I am going to the source of my happiness, but my discouragement continues to get me down. I look at how much I have to be thankful for, and I want to smack myself. Problem is, telling this so my heart is a different story. I finally made a trip to see my doctor this week and she had some suggestions. Please be in prayer for our family. Pray that I can be the wife and mother God intended me to be, not the mother who just wants to hole up in my room and just meet everyone's basic needs.

I have been realizing lately how short this life on Earth really is. Josh's paralysis and the years to come can loom over me and overwhelm me. It is then that I realize that in comparison to heaven and eternity, it is just a flash. I have been listening quite a bit (okay, incessantly) to a song called "Glory" by Selah and Nicole Nordeman. There is a part that says:

One day voices that lie will all be silenced
One day all that's divided will be whole again
One day death will retreat and wave it's white flag
One day love will defeat the strongest enemy.

So we wait,
For that one day
Come quickly
We want to see your Glory
Every knee falls down before thee
Every tongue offers you praise
With every hand raised
Singing Glory
To you and unto you only
We'll sing Glory to your name.

If you've not heard it, you've gotta go to Itunes right now and download it. So, why does this song strike me so soundly? The first line say that the voices that lie will be silenced. Those voices right now exist within my own head and I know whose they are. They are not God's. They are Satan's. He loves to tell me I am a failure and incapable. He loves to tell me that I don't deserve the love of a Father who died for me. I know he is wrong. I yearn for the day when all the lies will be gone.

The next line says that all that's divided will be whole again. I believe Josh's body is divided. It is divided into the functioning and nonfunctioning. When God's Glory is revealed Josh will be able to walk the streets of gold. His body will no longer be divided. Josh's paralysis will only continue until God says it is over, either when he is miraculously healed or God calls him home.

The third line says that death will longer be after the Lord returns. It is sometimes hard for my human mind to understand that one day, the fact that Ava died will no longer separate us. Death will be obsolete. I will be able to see her, smell her, hold her. When I think of a my sweet baby Ava, this is what I think of. Yes, I am clueless if I will still be able to see her as a baby in heaven, but this is what my Earthly mind yearns for. I'm sure that whatever it turns out to be in heaven will be beyond anything I could think of now.

The last line says that one day love will defeat the strongest enemy. The love that my Father has for me and for each and every one of us will defeat Satan. Wow. Do I sound like a preacher or what? I'm not trying to be preachy, just letting you know how God is using a song to speak to my hurting heart.

I think that's all for now. Thanks for reading, you have officially read a novel if you got all the way to the end. God bless!

Driven Scramble Golf Tournament

2008-06-29T16:34:00.000-04:00

This July 26th is the second annual Josh Buck charity golf scramble. This year it is called "Driven Scramble."

It will be held at the 4.5 star Pilgrims Run in Sand Lake Michigan.
$125 per person ($500 per team) includes green fees, cart, a practice bucket of balls, free Starbucks coffee, catered lunch, and an embroidered polo shirt.
Proceeds to go to Josh Buck and 311 Ministries,
Golf gear giveaways

There are only 36 teams available. The registration deadline is July 15.
Go to www.drivenscramble.com for more information and to sign up.

3 Birthday parties -- 1 day

2008-06-29T02:58:00.000-04:00

It's been so long since we updated that even though I don't intend on making a long post,, I still think I should write something.

Today we celebrated Noah, Zoe, and Ephram's birthdays. The Bucks, G-ma & pa Buck, G-ma & pa Syswerda, Grates, and Emersons were in attendance-- drinking beverage, eating chips, and devouring and 6 feet of sub.

All three kids opened presents, with the big hit being a trampoline purchased by G-ma & pa Buck and G-ma & pa Syswerda.

After we sang happy birthday (Noah played the mandolin... kinda), the adults sat outside on the patio and talked while the kids played in the sprinkler and screamed. It was a pretty great day.

One update that is very important... Shelly is feeling much better. The cortisone shot really did the trick. So between the hysterectomy and the nerve pain, Shelly is finally feeling pretty good. Amen! This topic deserves much more attention than this, but I'm still wanting to get to bed soon. I'll make Shelly post a little bit about it too.

Thanks. We love you all and are so thankful for your prayers.

Back at it

2008-06-09T16:39:00.000-04:00

The momma is back in town! Today I went to the pain clinic and had an injection of cotizone shots into the effected area. As of right now, the pain is minimal which is a huge blessing. I think they finally have an idea what is going on so that feels reassuring.

Josh and I got married 8 years ago today. We got married on a gorgeous Friday evening in downtown Grand Rapids and rode up to our reception in a horse drawn carriage. It was an evening I'll never forget. Eight years later and still going strong.

Josh has been having a lot of nerve pain the past 24 hours. He was extremely discouraged this morning. He is laying next to me right now, unure of how well he will sleep. Please keep him in your prayers. The nerve pain is very difficult for Josh because it is a burning sensation and their is little he can do about it. Please pray that the Lord continues to uplift his spirits.

My cousin Erin was in town for her wedding shower this weekend. She lives in NYC so I don't get to see her too often and she is like my kindred soul. I love to spend time with her. She is getting married in October and Josh and I are taking a road trip out to the East Coast for the wedding. It was fun to see her and see how the plans are coming. I am hopefully going out in July for a night or two for her personal shower. She has been such a huge support to me and I would like to do the same for her. And, considering I'm her favorite cousin, I'd better be there... just kiddng!

Noah and Zoe are spending this week adjusting to being home. We don't have any big plans. We let them fill up the pool for the first time on Saturday. They loved jumping off the mini trampoline and into the water. Ephram loved watching them! I was hoping to get some pics but have had some trouble locating my camera charger. Woops. :-)

That's all the exciting news here. Zoe has her first ballet recital on Wednesday so I'll have to post some pics. G and G Buck are coming from Indiana to see her. She is psyched!

Shelly's home

2008-06-01T16:41:00.000-04:00

Just a quick update... Shelly came home Friday at about noon. This was a little sooner than we thought.

There has been no treatment for the pain yet. Apparently that is not going to happen until June 9. Ridiculous.

On the upside, Shelly's oral pain meds are not leaving her flat on her back. The pain does get pretty bad every couple hours, but she also has moments when she feels pretty good.

More updates soon. Thank you for your prayers.

Josh posting

2008-05-29T16:43:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to give you a few more details...

For the first two weeks Shelly was feeling better every day. Some people said that she was up and around too much, but she was really just being Shelly. This past Sunday she started feeling a little bit of pain near one of her incisions. She made nothing of it at first, but by Monday morning it was pretty bad. I told her to go into a med center. They wouldn't treat her there so she went to the ER. Once at the ER they gave her a CAT scan and an ultrasound. They were thinking it could be an abscess, a hernia, or an infection. It was none of those.

Before she left, I reminded her to tell the doctors what happened in her abdomen 10 years ago. About a decade ago Shelly had her gallbladder and appendix out. Over the next few months she had some unexplained pain in her abdomen. It got so bad that eventually Shelly's parents put her on a plane to Mayo Clinic. Once there, what had been undiagnosed pain for several months was quickly healed with a shot of cortisone right into her surgery area.

We told the doctors about this on Monday, and by Wednesday they had ruled out everything else. Shelly has been on narcotic pain medication up until today when they switched her to oral pain medication in preparation for sending her back home... and no treatment yet, just pain meds.

The "pain clinic" came in to do a workup on giving her a shot. But for some strange reason they cannot operate inside the hospital. Shelly will have to get an appointment with the "pain clinic" after she gets out. Their first opening date is June 9. This is just not acceptable. Why did she need to sit at home drugged up for 10 days before she can get the shot that took four hours to get a decade ago? I am very very frustrated.

Yesterday, Jean alluded to another situation I'm pretty frustrated about. My kids need to feel like they can have a normal routine at home. They are missing end of the school year zoo trips and picnics because of this. I was lucky that Zoe told me about her end of the school year program today, or I would've missed that too. The conversation went like this,

"Daddy, do I have school tomorrow?"

"No baby, today is your last day for the whole year."

"Oh. We are having a program with a CD with all the songs on it and we are dancing and stuff and all the mommies and daddies are coming. So you'll have to get somebody to bring you, right daddy?"

"Umm... absolutely baby."

They just need a normal routine. They are very resilient, and are very strong. But they are dealt with more than many of us deal with our whole lives. I just want them to be kids.

Pray for us. Pray that we have enough of volunteers to get us through to whenever Shelly can be back up to speed. Pray for Zach and Rachel as a spearhead the charge while looking for jobs!

I don't know why we continue to roll out difficulty after difficulty around here, but I'm sick of it.

I don't know what this means spiritually yet. I don't think I'm supposed to. I know that I'm still on God's team. I know he has a plan, and I want to be a part of that plan... no matter what that part is. But I would be nuts if I didn't admit that sometimes I feel like our family is the team whipping boy. Forget the big plans and grand schemes... just give me a mundane and average for a couple decades.

Sorry to vent. Shelly does it sometimes, so I guess it was my turn. Pray for us.

shelly...

2008-05-28T16:53:00.000-04:00

This is Shelly's mom, Jean, reporting in for her. She told me this evening to post some information. She is currently in the hospital again, has been there since Monday, with complications from her surgery a few weeks ago. She asks for prayer for her quick recovery, for the kids and Josh at home, and for our angels of mercy Zach and Rachel who have again stepped in to hold down the home front. Shelly and Josh are both having a difficult time dealing with this latest challenge. The why question has popped up. Mostly they are both concerned for kids who need to know life can be "normal." Pray for all of us, OK? We're dependent on those of you who hold us up before a God whose ways we don't always understand.

I have 4 kids

2008-05-25T16:54:00.000-04:00

Things on the homefront continue on as normal. Josh's mom and dad are in town for the holiday weekend. We will be cooking out with friends tomorrow here at the house. Josh and I have always loved entertaining, and that has not changed since the accident. We are looking forward to it.

So, today I was posed an interesting question that I seem to encounter very regularly. When other mothers see you out and about with a child or children, you are often asked how many children you have. After almost three years, I still do not have a great answer for that one. I have read of many mothers who have no problem with answering. Some answer with the number of children they have living, others just say the total number. Me, I'm a total number girl. The only problem is- sometimes the conversation continues to how old are they? Hmmm.. this one always gets me a bit nervous cause I realize this could lead into an uncomfortable conversation. I have even met one that says she has "two that walk and one that flies." I am not really comfortable with this answer. I'm still at the point where I usually say 4 unless I figure we may have time for the converstation to continue.

Just 3 weeks after Ava died, we went to some friends for dinner. They had some neighbors stop by to see our friend's new baby girl. When they were leaving they asked how many children we had and Josh replied two. I thought I was going to puke and punch him at the same time. I felt like we were not acknowledging who she is in our lives. Now, after almost 3 years, I find myself doing the same thing at times.

I remember reading somewhere that losing your parents is like losing your past, but losing your child is like losing your future. This really captures how I felt soon after we lost Ava. It left so many questions in my mind, what were we going to do now, would we move back to the home where she died, would our kids remember their little sister (I now see this is my responsibility)? How was I going to continue on living and still be a mom who functioned for the rest of the kids. I didn't want my kids to look back at this time and think, "this is when we lost my mom, not just my sister." I still desired for my kids to have a happy childhood. I wanted my kids to be able to look back and see how present the Lord was through this ordeal, how he continued to be faithful to us even when we couldn't see it through our sorrow.

I realize now how differently Josh and I reacted to Ava's death emotionally. This was addressed while we went to see an amazing Christian counselor for a few months. There were so many feelings hurt, so many things we wished we could have done different, but the past was over and we couldn't change them. But we could change how we started hadling the future. We realized it seemed a little screwed up, but if we wanted to continue our friendships with those who had fallen off the map, it was us who were going to have to make the effort. I really balked at this idea and then realized I was just being totally selfish. Just because I lost a child did not give me permission to become self-involved.

Josh and I made a promise to each other, less than 8 hours after Ava died, that we would talk to each other. There were so many horrible things running through my mind that I would never have admitted out loud. Josh started by saying something that I couldn't believe he would admit and it opened up a huge door of communication for us. I remember admitting to thoughts that I couldn't believe I had, but I did.

One other thing we said from the start was we were going to cling to God, knowing he had a plan- even if we couldn't see it. I knew I was not going to like his plan, I never would, but I have never doubted that God knows better than I do. Yes, I still want Ava back into our family, but this is not possible during our Earthly life. I believe, 100%, that we will again be reunited with her. This life is just a blink of an eye, I will have plently of time to enjoy her come heaven.

A guide

2008-05-23T16:55:00.000-04:00

I'm sure by now most of you have heard that the Christian artist, Steven Curtis Chapman's daughter Maria died yesterday after being run over by a car. Josh brought this to my attention this morning and it has occupied my thoughts ever since. It makes me feel such empathy for this family, knowing what they have ahead of them.

The overwhelming void that filled my entire being was all I could think about. I didn't dare shut my eyes because of the images that filled them when they were closed were too horrifying to recall. The loneliness while surrounded by all our loved ones did little to ease the pain. Eating was out of the question. I decided to drink black coffee because I liked it with cream. I wanted to do things differently, observe my pain in some inadequate way. I have read of another person doing this after grief. Guess I'm not so odd after all. Life took on a before and after era. Before Ava's accident and after. I remember watching Josh sleep the first night after she died and being amazed he could sleep. I was thankful that he could have a few minutes of escape. I recall sitting upstairs around 4 a.m., at my parent's house, with my mom, Holly and Josh's mom and just sitting there not knowing what to do. At times this desperate feeling that I needed to just DO something was overwhelming. I would pace and just yank at my hair, trying to make things right in my head. I wish could words could do justice to an emotion that I pray none of you will ever have to face.

Right now, I know what a family is experiencing, to a certain extent. Every story is different. Every person is different. But every Christian needs to make a willful decision to trust God. No matter how angry I go, no matter how little I understood, I knew deep down that my getting through this was not going to be successful if I didn't just lean on him. Those first few days, it was very hard to pray. It became more like guttural cries to a heavenly father who knew I was hurting. It meant acknowledging that God knew this was the plan for Ava from the start, but being really ticked. Ticked just doesn't do it any justice. Pissed, I was pissed. Why would God do this and what kind of a God was he to allow this to happen. I knew he could take my anger and my questions. But could I? Was I willing to really hear the truth if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I can say that nearly three years later that I still don't like the plan, nor do I like how it has affected my life, but I trust in an Almighty Father whose desire is to bring other's close to him.

There are various times when I realize that the memories are growing hazier, easier to deal with. Losing Ava is not the very first thing I think of when my feet hit the floor. I would say rarely does 10 minutes go by when I don't think of her after waking. Just recently, I got out one too many bowls for the dinner table (I got out 5 and only needed 4. Ephram is not eating out of a bowl just yet). It's been three years, and we didn't have her with us too long, but it shows how much a part of us she still is.

It is my desire for Ephram to realize that he is not a replacement. God knew from the beginning that he would be part of our family. I want him to grow up feeling like he has an extra special place in our family- that he was God's gift to us, out of pain and suffering came joy and restoration. Who could ask for a better gift?

As time has passed many of my friends said how they were so unsure what to say and what to do. I thought I may be able to give some words that may be helpful if they are anything like me. Number one, I knew Ava was in a better place. I didn't need people telling me that- I wanted her here with me. That comment came as a slap in the face many times. That whole "she's in a better place" could well be saved for a few months down the road. Number two, "you can always have more children." At this point, I didn't want more children, I wanted Ava. Number three- "I lost my grandma (aunt, uncle, cousin 68 year old mother) last month, I know what you're going through." I hated that one. Until you have lost a child, you don't know. Just like I don't know what it's like to lose a mother or father at a young age, or be a child who has lost a sibling. Don't claim to understand unless you really do. I clung to those who had lost a child and the knowledge and advice they could give me. Lastly, I know Ava was young. Those who had had early miscarriages cannot possibly know the grief of losing a living child, or of a having a birth where the baby was too young to survive. We held our babies. We saw their faces, Saw the potential for life. Don't get me wrong, I know miscarriage is heartbreaking, but please don't compare it. Comparisons are nasty, especially at the beginning of the grieving process.

So, what can you do? The day that Ava died, people started pouring in. All of these people needed to be fed and it was the last thing on my mind. One of my best friends quietly showed up, ordered pizza, lasagna, and salad and had it out for those who felt they could eat. I got a huge box full of toilet paper, paper towels, paper plates, cups, utensils and more Kleenex than we thought was necessary (only to find out it was). We used up every last one of those Kleenex. Someone brought treats for the kids, juice boxed, frozen kids meals, kids movies and easy toys for the kids to stay occupied with. Most of the time you want your living children around you but you are not really concious of what they need all the time. These things helped a ton the first weeks.

So, what did people say or do that helped and didn't hurt? It seemed like the less they said the better. Not because of what they said may offend me but because the hurt is so great, words often seem inadequate. Hugs, hugs, hugs. I just needed to feel the comfort of those around me. If you're a praying person, tell them you'll pray for them, but only if you really will. :-) Start calling them. We screened more phone calls than you can imagine but seeing your name pop up on my caller i.d. made me aware that you were reaching out. A few weeks out, some people stopped calling, the uncomfortable feelings of what they were going to say became too strong (the only reason I know this is because of conversations with friends over the past three years). Call anyway. I spent numerous days wondering why they didn't call and so I didn't call. Didn't we have a closer relationship than I had thought? Err on calling too much. They won't call you back if they really don't want to talk. Thank goodness for the 21st Century blessing of caller i.d.

I hope this hasn't come off as harsh or as though the ones that helped us after Ava died did it all wrong. That could not be further from the truth. We had an incredible support system that continues to this day. I know so many of you pray for us as we continue down this journey along with the new journey of Josh in a wheelchair.

Yes, life is complicated. But it is so short in the grand scheme of things. I know I will soon again be with my little girl and all of this grief and trusting will be truly worthwhile.

back home from the hospital

2008-05-19T17:16:00.000-04:00

It's nice to be home. I came home yesterday in the late afternoon. Because Ephram is still not feeling great, the two of us stayed home from church and sent the rest of the troops on. Noah and Zoe came home talking about Paul and Silas and how their chains fell off!!! They were so excited about it and telling me the story. Noah was still talking about it this morning. I love hearing them getting so excited about the Bible. We spent the day doing lots of laying around. We did some slow work and my Aunt Jill came over to lend a helping hand. I'm not supposed to lift Ephram yet (6 weeks according to the nurse that called today) but that goes over like a lead balloon in this momma's mind. We relaxed together on the couch and took a nap together. Now Sheena is here from Kalamazoo to hang out for a few days. It's been a nice day.

I realized how proud I am of Josh today. We were talking to a friend who told us about an acquaintance of hers who is dealing with paralysis. This guy is having a really hard time (obviously so) but it made me realize how much Josh has just pushed on. Even when he feels like giving up and I get disheartened, he continues to get up every morning, not lay in bed all day, and at least attempt to live this new life. I hear how many others who are in the same boat as him just give up, don't really "live." I am the proud wife of a roller, who has decided to keep on going, even when it's tough.

Momma Time

2008-05-17T17:23:00.000-04:00

I've gotten numerout comments asking how my mom is faring. She continues to heal well, slowly but surely. I may even surpass here in the recovery process over the next few days! :-) She is doing a great job taking care of me- dragging me to garage sales when I have an hours energy, or taking me to Hobby Lobby to look at stuff for the kids new rooms. We're definitely from the same mold. We have been having lots of fun. They are now out in Grand Haven having their first camping excursion of the year and they couldn't be more excited. She actually said she was more excited about this trip than their trips earlier this year to the Bahamas and Mexico. I thought she may have taken a few too many pain meds...

On another note, we finally got news of what the next step is in regard to her treatment. She met with the oncologist earlier this week. The doctor said (summarily), "Go home, live your life. You're cancer free!" There are no more treatments, no chemo, no radiation, no nohting. They are not even putting her on the cancer drug (not sure the name of it cause that's all my mom calls it) because it is used to fight cancer in the breasts and ovaries and she has neither! The doctor said that would be sort of a waste. My mom came out of that appointment feeling like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Now all she has to do is regain all her strength and she'll be good as new. She rocks. I wanna be like her someday (minus the cancer of course!). Thanks for all your prayers for her.

the home front

2008-05-17T17:18:00.000-04:00

Just you know, this is the second posting of the day so read on if you didn't catch the first.

I took a quick trip home yesterday to see my kiddos. The two older kids are doing great, staying busy, and loving that they had Zach and Rachel to play with and now Grandma Buck has come! Does life get any better for a 4 and a 5 year old? Ephram is struggling with a virus which is not allowing Grandma B. to get too much sleep. He is running a high temp and just fussy all around. I saw him last night and had the chance to just hold him while he lays his sweet little head of my shoulder. He was not too fussy when I was there, but I know he was having a good few hours. I left about 6:30 and the little guy was ready to head off to bed. We did take him in because we were afraid it was his ears again (he is still on antibiotics from the last ear infection) but thankfully, it was not. The doctor said he just caught a virus so we will just let it run it's course.

Please be praying that Josh's mom can get enough sleep and feel like she can keep up with the craziness while at our home. She usually has the help of her hubby but he is off in Europe teaching a class. Poor him right? :-) He loves his job and rightfully so. Anyway, she will be doing all the work and needs an extra dose of stamina to get her through the next few days. Please keep her in your prayers.

Shelly reporting in

2008-05-14T17:25:00.000-04:00

Since my husband hasn't added another post as promised, and doesn't even know how to spell my name correctly , I decided to post myself. I'm hanging out at my mom and dad's, enjoying a few minutes of peace and quiet. I got here yesterday (Tuesday) afternoon and will be here until the weekend. Pain is quite minimal, and I'm actually feeling quite a lot better than I expected. I may even have to fake it a little bit to stay here until the weekend. Everything at home seems to be running smoothly. Zach and Rachel are taking the two older kids to see Horton Hears a Who tonight. Josh is staying busy with friends coming to visit and with last-minute decisions about the house. Josh's mom is coming late Thursday night and will be here until Sunday. Please pray for a smooth week at home, happy kids, happy husband, recovered wife.

surgery day post 1

2008-05-12T17:27:00.000-04:00

Hey, this is Josh.

Shelley's surgery went very well this morning. She was in the operating room for just about an hour, and then she was in recovery for about an hour and a half. When she came out of recovery she felt pretty good... drugged up but good. Once she was in her room, we talked and she seemed ok.

I'm at home right now, but I'm going back to the hospital soon. I will post later tonight about what else I find out!

Thanks for all your prayers. Keep them coming!

Josh

New Pics

2008-05-08T12:35:00.000-04:00

So, I'm going to give this picture thing a shot. I'll not be surprised if this doesn't work. My computer and I...we don't get along so well. :-)

This is Ephram and me at his big sister's "stone." We always tell the kids we're going to the place where we remember Ava and see her stone. This is Ephram's first experience with this. Last year he was too little to even get out of the car. This year he even got to sit in the grass!

Here is a pic of Ava's stone. Notice the sticks in front of the stone.

Here are all the goofy kids. The picture quality is terrible. Not sure why. Zoe looks like she has "buck" teeth. Get it?Hahaha. One funny thing to note. All the kids were gathered around the gravemarker and Ezekiel (4 years old with the tie-dye shirt) was crawling over the front of the stone. You could see Jason get really uncomfortable with what Zeke was doing and start to get after him. I laughed and said not to worry. If she were still here with us, he would be crawling all over her, beating her up, and we would just let it go. I like that they crawl all over her stone.

This is the last pic. Hopefully this blog doesn't take forever to load. This is right before we went out to eat with my parents for their 35th wedding anniversary. We had a great time and waaaay too much to eat. Isn't my husband a hottie?

Happy Birthday, Ava Nicole!

2008-05-05T12:37:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday Ava! Ava would be three years old today. Wow. Where does the time go? We spent the day very busy, doing many various activities. Josh got a tatoo on his bicep with three Roman numeral letter V's. Each representing 5-5-05, Ava's birthday. I'll have to post a pic once it looks nice and not all red and sore. He actually felt a little bit of pain while the tattoo was being done which is nice (in an odd way). He has enough feeling in this area to feel pain. Yaaay! I went out with a girlfriend this morning and all three of our boys behaved. This always makes for a more enjoyable time. We did a little shopping for our mothers for Mother's Day. When Noah and Zoe arrived home from school, we all packed up and headed over to G & G's house for cake and ice cream and a loud rendition of "Happy Birthday." We then went to the cemetary and let off lots of pink ballons with the kids yelling "hi Ava!" as they floated away. My nephew Ezekiel wanted to know if Ava was going to be coming to eat cake with the rest of us. Oh how I wish... We then headed off to Chuck E. Cheese. I sometimes wonder why we started the Chuck E Cheese tradition b/c that place is a madhouse! Trying to keep track of all your kids and making sure nobody steals your purse is not my idea of a good time. The kids sure did enjoy themselves. My brother-in-law Jason was saying that Chuck E., along with Satan, is going to be at the gates of hell with welcoming the unsaved. We were all getting a kick out of this sick sarcasm. It got continually worse as the night progressed. As we were getting ready to leave and all of us getting our hand numbers checked, Josh and Jason were singing hymns and adding Chuck E to them. We were all nearly crying the the employees were looking at us like we were nuts. Oh well, we had a good time.

We'll have pictures to post soon of the events.

We miss you Ava Nicole. We hope you're loving heaven and can't wait to be with you again soon!

Little hope for a thursday

2008-05-02T12:39:00.000-04:00

If you look back to my last post, it was named "Hope for a Monday." I love good days. Today though, not so good. Kinda comical actually. :-) You know when you have days where your life seems like a cosmic joke? That's been mine over the last 2 days.

I say all this with a slight grin on my face because I am so grateful that these are the problems right now. We are not dealing with Josh living at Mary Free Bed or Josh just beginning the road of paralysis. The things going on right now are very minor in comparison, and for that I am thankful.

Ephram continues to not feel well. Poor little buddy. He started out with a really high fever and no other symptoms. Then the fever went down and he got little red dots all over his diaper area and legs. Didn't think too much about it. Then I got a rash on my back that was totally grossing me out, thinking I had ringworm (or something else equally disgusting) from a mat at the Y. I happened to have an appointment with my nurse practitioner yesterday so I decided to suck up my pride and have her take a look. :-) No ringworm, thankfully, shingles. Yes, shingles. Yuck! My back is now killing me, I feel like I have the flu, Ephram may have gotten the chicken pox from his mommy (shingles and chicken pox are the same virus) and I'm a bit high on Vicodin. Praise the Lord for pain meds!

All in all, not the end of the world. It will not hold up surgery on the 12th and for that I am thankful. My N.P. said we were cutting it close but it would be okay. We are working on childcare for the time after my surgery and we got some great news. Zach and Rachel are going to come and stay for the first 4 days while I'm in the hospital and at my parents. It eases my mind a ton knowing that they will be here and I have nothing to worry about. Yay!!! The kids will have a blast and they both already know how to help Josh. This means that everyone will be well taken care of and I don't have to be concerned at all! God definitely worked that one out for us. What a blessing!

Josh and my Uncle Randy met today in regards to the charity golf outing this summer. It's so nice to see Josh excited about working on something. He's making calls about and designing shirts, talking business with printers and generally just staying busy. The outing is being held at Pilgrim's Run, and gorgeous course north of Grand Rapids. Some close friends of Holly and Jason's got us the "hook-up" and Josh is really psyched. This is the main place he has played golf over the past few years before his accident. It will be nice for him to go back. He loved to drive the golf cart like a crazy man down the paths and now he can just drive his chair like a crazy man. Some things never change.

We got everything worked out with the Department of Human Services today. I am thankful that the mountains of paperwork and running around to get all the forms signed is officially over for this year. All of our services will resume in about three week. The meeting went surprisingly smoothly. To get everything back in order, we officially put our old house on the market. You probably wonder why we kept it in the first place. Neither Josh nor I were convinced that he would never walk again. If he could walk, we could move back home. Josh put his heart and soul into making that house our home. He put up fences, built decks (three to be exact), finished a play room in the basement, and was ready to renovate upstairs to make room for Ephram when everything came to a halt. The hardest thing for me is that selling the house means giving up a little more of Ava. We made memories in that house and lost her in that house. After she died, I never imagined we would stay, but when we did go back, the feeling of peacefulness was nearly overwhelming. We knew where our little girl was, even though her life on Earth ended in that little house on Auburn. Our little Ava with the nearly auburn hair lost her life in a little house on Auburn Avenue.

Hope for a monday

2008-04-28T12:40:00.000-04:00

Today was a great day. Everyone is feeling good again (no more pukies!) and it was nice to get back to a normal schedule. Both of the two older kids went to school and Ephram and I went to the YMCA. By the way, I love that place and how much they love my little boy. It is my own little oasis- me time where I put on my headphones and see very little of what is going on around me. I love it!

Josh's mom and dad were here for the weekend and didn't leave until this morning. Josh's mom helped Josh get in bed both Saturday and Sunday so I got some uninterrupted sleep which is glorious! Tonight, Josh is out with a friend who offered to help him in bed when they arrived home. Oh how I love to be spoiled...

Ephram was dedicated in church last night. It was a very special evening where 11 babies from church were dedicated. So, what is dedication you ask? No, it's not infant baptism. It's more something for the parents and people of the church where you promise to try and raise your child as Christ would have you, and the people of the church promise to pray for you and your child. Both my parents and Josh's parents were able to be at the service. Ephram was a little sweetheart, blabbering and drooling away and (in my biased opinion) being the cutest one up there. I may have a few friends who may disagree. :-)

The house is coming along nicely. Jason's dad came this past week and did a gorgeous job on all the trim (thanks Keever!). I'm not exactly sure what's next but I do know that move in is still scheduled for around the end of June. I believe we have to pick out light fixtures sometime this week. Most of the decisions have been made so the craziness on our end has let up. I know for our builder, Todd, it only continues to get crazier.

Ava's birthday is drawing near. She would have been three on May 5th. Her birthdate was 05-05-05. I love to see that written out. She would probably be done with diapers, driving her sister crazy, getting ready to start preschool in the fall, and starting to lose the baby chub. My, how life does not go as you expect. I am reading a book by N.T. Wright called "Surprised By Hope." It talks about heaven, the afterlife and what Christians believe. I am not far enough to know what I think of the book but I am excited to read what the Bible says about it. It may give me a glimpse as to what my baby girl is up to. In the book, there is a poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye which says it perfectly:

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

---------------------------------------

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there. I do not die.

Sickies

2008-04-26T12:41:00.000-04:00

I have a sick baby. It's the first time my little boy has been sick. I went to a shower for a girl at church today and got a call that Ephram had a fever. He's been miserable all afternoon, laying his head on my shoulder and moaning. I couldn't figure out why he didn't sleep very well last night as that is very out of the ordinary for him. Both Josh and I were sick with the throw-up flu this week, but Ephram has yet to throw up. I think he may have a touch of something else.

When Josh and I got married, I promised to love him in sickness and in health. That was never a problem until this week. You're thinking "uh-oh, she's decided she's had enough!" Not exactly, but my limits were definitely tested. When we decided to have kids Josh and I had an understanding. I would deal with the poop if Josh would deal with the puke. This understanding worked out well for the most part. I remember one of the kids getting sick while Josh was at a conference and telling him he needed to come home to fulfill his duties! Just kidding. Now, he not only cannot clean up the puke, I have to clean up his as well. So anyway, it's late Thursday night and he's moving around and making some groaning noises. He keeps waking me up but not enough for me to ask what's wrong. Around 4 a.m. the puking started. There was me holding the bowl in front of Josh while he threw up. Not only do I have to hold the bowl while he throws up, I also have wipe his face when he's done, rinse out the puke, and be on red alert for the next bout. Yes, I say this with some humor but it really makes me look at how even the most basic human actions are difficult for Josh. Because he has no stomach muscles puking is not like it used to be. I won't go any further than that other than the fact that it's not pretty for Josh. This is the first time that I really looked at the situaiton and felt like I may not be able to handle it. Looking back, I think it all went pretty smoothly considering what it could have been. But it causes me to think what it is that God is continually trying to teach me. This situation that I am in, purely God's plan for my life, I really don't like. Is that okay? I pray that God would give me grace as I struggle down this road I would rather not be walking. I prayed for grace while Josh was puking and he granted it. So, what does all this really mean?

I pray that God is using me, this situation and Josh to further his kingdom. I pray that he uses me to encourage others that are going through difficult times. I pray that God brings other peoples needs to my heart so that I can pray for them and remember that my problems are not the only problems.

One family comes to mind who needs prayer. They are experiencing much pain at this point in their life. The family is from Josh's home town and is a 5th grader who has experienced more health crises than many will experience in a lifetime. One of the main concerns is that it seems like the doctors cannot fully understand why all this is happening. Through all this, I read of a mom and dad who refuse to give up faith that God is able to heal their little girl, even when the odds seem stacked against them. Please pray for this little girl. Because I have not asked permission to do so, I will not leave her name. Please pray for this little girl who is too little to understand how all of this works into God's plan and why this is happening to her while all of her friends continue to go to school and play. I'm not sure why I brought that up, other than the fact that this little girl has been on my heart a lot this past 2 weeks.

Thank you to all of you who pray for us and love us. We appreciate you and continue to need your prayers.

A Clean Pathology Report

2008-04-13T12:43:00.000-04:00

We got word from the hospital that all of the pathology reports came back negative! Praise the Lord. This is a huge answer to prayer. What this means is that the cancer is completely contained. Because my mom has had the entire cancerous area removed, her prognosis is excellent. She is going to see the oncologist in the near future to see what the next step is.

Going into this whole cancer thing, my mom was acting like it wasn't a big deal and that is was just surgery. Since the recovery process has begun, she has come to realize how much of an emotional battle this has become. She is often emotional, not sure why she is crying, but feeling down just the same. Please be praying that the Lord stays near to her and comforts her. Her healing continues to take it's own sweet time so she just continues to rest. :-) She's read a lot of books and done a lot of looking at the backs of her eyelids.

Our kids came home today. Seven days without your kids is a loooooong time. I say this in both a positive and a negative way. We missed them so much but we loved having some time to ourselves. We spent numerous days watching movies, falling asleep in the middle, and then having to rewind. Don't you just love days like that? I know, they are few and far between for most of us, but much appreciated when you get the chance to indulge.

Josh and I had a ton of time to talk about how we are going to continue moving forward as a family. I say this with reservation because I know there are some readers out there who have experienced an injury similar to Josh's or is the significant other of that person. I realize it has been over a year. I realize we need to move on. I realize how much we have been blessed and loved. I also realize that as of about 3 weeks ago, I was ready to check myself in somewhere because I felt I was standing on a precipice, getting ready to fall off. My sanity was gone long ago (I'm joking... okay... only joking a little) but I do need to be able to function at a certain level where we can all survive and be happy. Because of my lack of sanity, Josh's parents took the kids for the week so I could get some uninterrupted sleep and figure some things out. We've come to the conclusion that we may be looking to hire some help. I know many families do this without help, but my personality definitely predisposes me to depression. It is a constant battle for me to feel like I can do this. So many of you have been so much help to us over the past year, but I will ask again. :-) Will you please be in prayer for our family as we journey down this road of looking for someone who fits in well with our family and meets our needs? We aren't even sure what we are looking for at this time but we are praying for God to prepare us and this person who may become a big part of our lives. It is difficult for me to admit that I can't do it all, especially when I see other's handling it without outside help. I guess this was just not to be for us. I wish I could do all the laundry, make all the meals, clean the house, play with the kids, help Josh with all his needs, and still have a lust for life. Most evenings, I'm so tired I just want to get in my bed and have a few minutes alone before falling asleep.

I was in the chapel at the YMCA this past week and doing some praying about our present circumstances. I get so frustrated with myself for not being able to handle everything with a decent attitude. It was then I felt like the Lord was telling me that HE made me. He knows what I am capable of and what I can and cannot handle. He put me in this situation. It did not just "happen." God chose for me to be Josh's wife, knowing full well Josh would become a quadriplegic. When He placed Ava in my womb, He knew we would only have her a short time. He created me to be Josh's wife and Ava's mom. Whether I think I can handle it or not is insignificant. My God can get me through anything. But my God has also allowed others to help us so that we CAN handle it. Those people are you. So many of you are my sanity. The meals that people brought, the money people gave so we could survive and outfit Josh with all his new needs, the people who came and cleaned my skanky house and toilets, the lawn that was mowed, the driveways that were shoveled, the time you spent loving my kids and still do... all of these things were my sanity. But most of all, your prayers for God to continue to surround us and love us, for Him to make his presence known to us in even the hardest situations, these are the main things that get me through. Please continue to pray for us. When I have a day where I think I should be losing my mind but I am just thankful for life, these are the days I know I am being prayed for. Thank you. More than you know...

Ava

2008-04-08T12:58:00.000-04:00

So, it's been a while...

I've spent the last few days thinking of my little girl. I'm not sure what it is about these changing of seasons that makes me miss her more than normal. Don't get me wrong, I miss her all the time, but the last few days it has been poignant. I feel the weight on my chest, I am back to listening to her song, and reading my Bible and listening to devotions on loss and pain.

I think I'm at a new place. I don't remember the day we lost Ava with such clarity. The things I remember clearly: her dear smile, how she looked just like my mom in baby pictures, how she would hold onto the neck of my shirt while I fed her, how Noah loved to bite her toes and make her scream (crazy this is a good memory!), how laid back and easy-going she was. She was a real blessing. So why is she a blessing when so much heartache has accompanied her memory. I used to wonder if having her for three months was worth it. Would I choose to go through a difficult pregnancy, have her with us for such a short time, be blessed by her just "being" if I knew we would lose her? I look back and think of how much I have grown since she died. I don't even know if I'm the same person as I was almost 3 years ago. I think I take life a little more seriously, take my relationship with God much more seriously, and notice the small things in life much more than before. For a long time after she died, it bothered me that Ava never got to see the snow. I know, there are kids all over the world who never experience snow, but it is just a thing I have. In my mind, childhood is tasting snow, going sledding with mom and dad, and building a snowman. She never got to do these things. A few months later God gave me a memory that I hold onto tightly. Ava was only a few days old, it was a few days after May 5th. I distinctly remember looking out our front window at our house in Kalamazoo, and seeing it snow. At the time, I'm sure I was disgusted (flurries in MAY? Come on!). Now I treasure this- Ava got her snow.

A friend of ours wrote a song after Ava died. He was one of the few who came to the house during the flurry of ambulances, fire trucks and police officers. He was there when we held her one last time. He listened to us, heard us cry and held Josh when he thought he would die from the pain. After everything that he was there for, he wrote a song that encapsulates what we said and described to him. We are currently waiting for permission to post it.

Life here is in slow motion right now. The kids are gone with G'ma and G'pa B for spring break. Josh and I are in "married with no children" heaven. :-) Yes, I miss them. No, I'm not ready for them to come home. They'll be gone until Sunday and I will enjoy every extra minute of sleep, every less dish that goes into the dishwasher, every sippy cup I don't find under the couch, etc. I will also continue to look forward to when they come home. Funny how that works.

Josh is doing okay. His spasms are pretty bad which seems to affect a lot of other things. He has been pretty frustrated over the past week. They have had to up his meds which he hates because he knows it's hard on his liver. The higher the dose, the more side effects. Please be praying with us that we get his spasms under control again so that we can lower the dose and minimize the side effects. Please be praying for his spirits to remain positive. Considering how frustrated he's been, he's doing very well. We have an amazing group of family and friends who love and support us. This is very encouraging to us both. Thank you to all of you who continue to lift us up in prayer as we continue on this journey of life God has carved out for us.

2008-03-26T21:38:00.000-04:00

As of about 2 hours ago, my mom was discharged from the hospital. We are so thankful she is well enough to go home. The doctors got the oral pain medication under control and then she was ready to go. She says she is thankful to be back into her own bed. More than anything, she seems to be relieved that this is over and she can now start seeing what the next steps will be. She will be going back to the doctor over the next few weeks. The extensive pathology reports should be back soon and then we will be sure if all the lymph nodes are clear. The initial report was that they were all clear, but this is the last step. Please be praying that the news comes back positive, as this is what the doctor is expecting.

Josh's parents came this weekend to help with the kids so I could be with my mom. They were leaving church on Sunday morning and Josh's mom slipped with Ephram in her arms. Trying to protect him, she took the brunt of the fall and hurt her foot. She ended up in the ER that night and found out she had broken her foot in 2 places. She is now on crutches and in a cast for a while now. Please pray for her to feel encouraged as she is feeling pretty down right now.

Things here are okay. I am feeling pretty down myself. Aren't we just a bunch of happy people? Noah continues to not sleep well which leads to mommy not sleeping well. When mommy doesn't feel well... it's not a pretty picture. I could really use your prayers right now. Pray that I feel able to handle the responsiblities and obligations I need to fulfill. Pray that the sleep I do get is multiplied by a loving God who knows I need lots of it! :-)

Thank you to all of you out there who so faithfully pray for us. We love you all.

2008-03-23T21:37:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to post a quick update that Mom's fever is back to normal as of 3 a.m. I just had a chance to talk with her for a moment and she sounded like she was doing fine. The nurse was just giving her another round of pain meds so I'm sure she'll be fast asleep at any moment! :-) Thank you for praying for her...

2008-03-22T21:35:00.000-04:00

Things are going well over at Spectrum Butterworth. My mom says the pain is a more endurable than she had anticipated. They are keeping her pretty doped up to keep the pain under control. They did have her stand up for a minute or two today. Keeping all the tubes and wires straight was quite the challenge. :-) She did very well and did not get too light headed. One prayer request- around 8:00 this evening she started running a fever. After another hour it had gone up significantly. They were taking some blood samples and doing a chest X-ray to see if she is developing pneumonia. Please pray that this truns out to be nothing of significance and she can continue on the road to recovery.

Here at the Buck household, things continue along pretty quietly. Josh is planning on starting driver's training this spring. We (meaning me) are excited to allow him some independence and get him out of the house on his own. The house is coming along amazingly well. The drywall is pretty much done. We are starting to pick out things for the house such as bedding for the kids bedrooms and that kind of fun stuff. :-) Ephram started crawling TODAY!!! We are so excited. He was 10 months yesterday and finally decided to get moving. He is so laid back we think he has had no desire to try. He is so cute, he gets his nose all scrunched up and gets this gummy smile on his face like he's so proud of himself! Noah continues to be a stinker. He is getting up a lot at night and not going back to sleep. This makes mommy tired. He has found danger again in some new ways. Day before yesterday, he drove our van across the road and ended up in the neighbors yard. We totally flipped! He got himself into quite a bit of trouble. He has started a new med and we are back to monitoring his every move. Please pray for his safety and our ability to be good parents to him. Zoe is loving learning. She is learning how to sound words out and loves to figure out what letter "comes next." Vowels are hard for her but she is doing great. She is also our little homemaker. She definitely has the gift of hospitality. When she heard I was heading up to the hospital to see grandma, she had to make grandma some food. She got a baggie of animal crackers and strawberries for her. When I got home, she asked me if grandma liked her food. She loves to be a caretaker. She is one special gal.

Josh's mom, dad and brother came up last night. The snow made the trip trecherous but they made it here safe and sound. Having them here allowed me to spend the day with my mom. After all she has done for us, it was the only place I wanted to be. It's nice to be able to do something for her for once. :-)

Tomorrow is Easter. I pray you all have a blessed day and remember to stop and think of what an amazing God we serve, one who died on a cross and then miraculously rose from a grave so that we can have eternal life. Wow. When you grow up in the church and hear it so many times, it sometimes doesn't seem so amazing. But when you stop and think, how can we be anything but thankful? Even when life throws you curve balls, the truth of Lord doesn't change. And for that, I am thankful.

Surgery day post 2

2008-03-21T21:33:00.000-04:00

Jean is out of surgery. It took seven hours instead of eight, and the doctors said that it went very well. She is not out of recovery yet, so we haven't seen her. Keep praying because the pain is supposed to be pretty intense. More later today.

Jean Surgery pt. 1

2008-03-21T21:30:00.000-04:00

Jean went in for surgery at 10:45 today. They removed four lymph nodes, sent them to pathology, and already have the results back. There was no cancer in the lymph nodes. This is really really good news! She is still in surgery for several more hours with reconstruction . Keep gene in your prayers, and we will update again later today.

2008-03-08T21:27:00.000-05:00

After a long reprieve from the blogging world, I am back at it. Josh had to teach me how to update on this new site, but it turns out to be easier than the last! I am about as computer illiterate as they come, so easy is always a bonus.

Life here has continued on. Very little change has been seen in Josh's physical condition over the last few months. This is very discouraging for him. It is also a fact of life right now. Although we have seen little change, our prayer is still for God to heal him. Both Josh and I have come to the consensus that if God chose to heal him to the point of paraplegia, we would almost consider him healed. What many people do not understand is the significant difference between quadriplegia and paraplegia. Josh needs about 90 percent of daily living done for him. Because he has such little use of his upper body, his independence is very limited. He needs help eating, showering, moving from one position to another, changing batteries in his wheelchair, getting a drink of water, and the list goes on. Those with paraplegia (and by no means am I discounting the heartbreak and major life changes these people go through) can typically learn to be 100 percent independent again. They learn to do things very differently than before, and almost everything is more difficult than it was before the accident, but they do not have to count on other people to help them all the time. So, as you can see we would be happy with more independence even if that includes a chair. This would still take a total miracle, but we serve a very powerful God.

We had an eventful day today. The morning started out with a church board meeting at our house. I kept the kids in another room while the group met. About noon Grandpa S. came to pick up the kids (they hadn't seen them in over a week as they had been on vacation in Mexico). Noah was absolutely beyond excited, screaming like a wild banshee. They watched the kids while we were going to go over to some friends' house we had met through MFB. As we were nearing ready to leave, Josh began to get dysreflexic and our plans came to a halt. We stayed home and worked at getting Josh back to where he needs to be health wise.

We then headed over to my parents for a pizza party. The kids were all playing on the bikes outside and enjoying the sunny weather. They all had a great time. It makes me very anxious for spring to show it's lovely face again.

The house is coming along incredible well. Drywall and siding are starting next week. Framing is completed, shingles are done and many other things are moving at lightning speed. According to the builder, he estimates we wil be in by the second week of June. Amazing. We would love to have the summer to get used to our new surroundings, spend time with new neighbors, and get the kids acclimated to their new surroundings. We are starting to see the end in sight and cannot believe we are going to be moving into a new house built by amazing people throught he love of Christ! Thank you to all of you who have given so selflessly to us over the last 14 months. We are yearing for the day where things start to feel normal agian. We keep in mind how long it took us to get to that point after Ava died. We know we have some ground to cover but believe that God will continue to give us peace and reassurance that we can handle this life change if we depend on him.

2008-02-24T21:22:00.000-05:00

Pretty good weekend. This is Josh. My parents came up on Friday. This means that Noah and Zoe were counting "sleeps" since Tuesday. I really enjoy having them here. My dad and I usually end up talking about boy things, and watching Blu-Ray, and the girls end up chatting while the kids are screaming in the basement. My mom works her tail off while she's here, doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, changing light bulbs, and watching the kids. Shelly usually gets a good break.

On Saturday morning, we met up with John and Jean at IHOP on the East Beltline. It's only a 2 minute drive from our new house, so Jordan met us there when he was done roofing. It was a big ole’ party. When we were done with pancakes, we went to the new house. The framing and the roof is done. There was snow everywhere, but it didn't matter to me because I was in the IBOT. A 4-wheel-drive wheelchair is pretty amazing. I got everywhere I wanted to go except the basement. It was pretty cool.

I was reminded how universal pain is this week through a situation that happened to some friends. Jeremy and Taralynn Best have two kids, Titus and Ava. Jeremy leads worship at Greenhouse. Taralynn was away, so Jeremy was home watching Titus. Titus had a couple strange health things happen during the week, then on Thursday he had what seems to be a seizure. Jeremy had to watch this happen. It just doesn't seem fair. Why do things like this happen? There are some very easy to quote Biblical reasons that we can point out, but when you're in the thick of it, sometimes it doesn't matter. (Please keep the Bests in your prayers)

We really don't have any promises here on earth. Nobody is promising me that Shelly isn't going to get breast cancer next month, or that one of my kids isn't going to get leukemia.

So often we feel like we can manipulate God into giving us a great life here on earth. If we just say the right prayers and give enough money, God will protect our families from getting sick, He will make us financially prosperous, He will keep our cars from breaking down, and He will make us successful at work and school. I just don't see this in Scripture, but as I was growing up, I subconsciously believed it. No one really taught it to me. I just picked it up along the way.

God gives us many future promises. He gives us many promises in heaven. He certainly promises that if we live like he commands us to we will be blessed and we will bless those around us, but he gives us no physical or material promises.

Here's my point. Enjoy what we have right now. We don't deserve it. Everything we have is God's and comes from God. We didn't earn it with our talent or our perseverance. Enjoy it now. Don't wish away tough phases with your kids. Enjoy them now. Don't wish away life waiting for the next promotion or the next new vehicle. Enjoy the God’s little gifts to us right now. We just don't know how long we have.

A few weeks ago I was teasing Zoe. I never understood why teasing your daughter was fun until I had one. I always saw my uncle's teasing my cousins and other people teasing their girls. Now I know what the big deal is all about. Anyway... Zoe was half entertained and half annoyed. She wanted to get me back, so when I wasn't looking, she put eight markers down my back. Well... I don't have much feeling in my lower back, so they sat there for a few hours - 3 of them with their caps off. Shelly discovered the situation a couple hours later, and she also discovered a huge blue mark dripping down my back. We had a big laugh. I learned my lesson... don't mess with Zoe.

pssst... we're still alive

2007-11-14T22:51:00.001-05:00

Thought I'd let you all know that we're still alive and kicking. I have been updating but at www.greenhouseminstries.org

You can catch us there. Hope all is well with all you, my blogging friends.

2007-08-15T21:21:00.000-04:00

8/15/07 11:35 p.m.

Hard day today. For both Josh and me. We didn't even know if we'd make it to therapy we had such a hard time in the van on the way over. We were glad we went after we got there. Josh tried out a power chair and then worked on emptying his leg bag into the toilet. We all had some good laughs.

Josh's feet are still a mess. He got in bed a bit after 9:00 tonight and has been playing on his computer. He can keep his feet up while in bed which helps with the swelling. It's not made too much of a difference thus far. Please be praying that this situation is resolved soon. It is very taxing on Josh and such a discouragement.

Josh's birthday is Saturday. He will be turning 31 but doesn't want to do much to celebrate. We are going out with friends on Friday night which should be fun. When I asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday, he said he just wanted to forget it. Not exactly the answer I was looking for. :-)

Huge praise- Ephram slept 9 hours last night! It's a record by a long shot! We are praying it continues.

Just a quick update. Now I'm off to sleep. God bless!

2007-08-14T21:11:00.000-04:00

8/14/07 2:30 a.m.

I can't sleep. I was laying in bed thinking when I realized I should let all of our blog friends know that my dad is doing well. To my surprise, my mom had already posted. One less thing for me to write!

Today was another busy day of therapy and doctor's appointments. Josh worked on the sliding board and may have had a breakthrough. His feet were placed differently before he began to move his bottom along the board and he moved soooo much better. We are praying this is a major step in the right direction.

We had an appointment with Josh's spinal cord doctor today. The appointment was at 2:15 and we didn't see the doctor until 5:30. To say we were frustrated was the understatement of the century. It was so ridiculous that we had the giggles about how much longer it could possibly be. My poor sister was watching all six kids here at our house with a very fussy Ephram on her hands. I think she was more than relieved when we arrived home. Thankfully, a meal was sitting on the counter which was a huge blessing on a day like today. It's amazing how God even takes care of our little needs.

A prayer request: Josh's feet are not doing too well. He has an ingrown toe nail that may cause dysreflexia, a blister on the side of his foot about the size of a very small plum, and the swelling is pretty significant. He is being sent to a podiatrist for the toe nail and backing off his nerve pain medication to see if it helps with the swelling. Please pray that these situations are resolved. Josh has been spending much of his time in slippers instead of shoes which makes him feel like he looks even more disabled than he already does. This may seem insignificant, but when the littlest things tend to get you down, you notice things.

I'm going to try this thing called sleep again. Much love.

2007-08-13T21:10:00.000-04:00

8/13/07 3:30 p.m.

An update on Shelly's dad for all of you out there in bloggerland. He's fine. We got home from the hospital a little while ago. He had a stress test earlier today. It showed a small blockage in the lower portion of his heart and some muscle damage. But nothing they thought was an immediate danger. They left it up to him whether to stay and have it taken care of or think about it. We're thinking... The dangers of the procedure, according to the doctor, are about as great as his danger of having a major heart attack from the blockage. So, we're home for some time of quiet and stress relief and figuring out how to continue to handle the difficulties that are such a part of our lives now. Our love for our kids makes all of this truly a challenge to handle at times. It causes us so much pain to see them in pain, as any of you who are parents would understand. We're wading our way through this heartbreaking time, trusting that, as Josh shared at Daybreak yesterday, God has a definite purpose and plan in all of it. I have a quote above my desk from Chuck Swindoll that speaks truth:
In the darkest nights come the sweetest songs,
in the strongest winds grow the deepest roots,
in the loneliest places come the most profound character traits.
The things we run from are the very things that make us great.

We appreciate all of your prayers and concern.

Still trusting...
Jean
John's wife
Shelly's mom
Josh's (favorite) mom-in-law

2007-08-12T21:07:00.000-04:00

8/12/07 10:45 p.m.

Josh spoke this morning at Daybreak in Hudsonville. The topic of his message was pain. We seem to know a bit about pain. His message even touched me, and I pray it did others as well.

Last night was a pretty rough night for me. I was feeling like I was teetering on the edge of going off the deep end. I say this a bit jokingly, but I had a rough night. I ended up calling my mom asking her to help me find where I was going (I am perpetually lost- even in the city I have grown up in). She heard me going off and she and my dad were trying to help. This stressed my dad out who just wants to protect his "little" girl.

So, today, my dad is still stressed. He stayed home this morning to watch my niece and nephews whose parents were away at a wedding. My mom came to the service to hear Josh speak and hand out fliers. I ended up getting a call around noon that my dad was having chest pain. He ended up at the emergency room. He is now at Spectrum Butterworth, spending the night, and having tons of tests run. They believe he had a heart attack and will possibly be placing a stint? tomorrow. When we were all in Miami, at the time of Josh's accident, my dad had his first heart attack. Since then, the doctor said to avoid stressful situations. Is this a joke? Don't kids love to bring stress into their parents lives? Sorry, that was a sick joke.

Anyway, please be in prayer for my dad. Please also be praying for my patience level as it is not so great the past few days. Josh has done an amazing job trying to keep me sane and from not completely losing it. It's hard for him when their is so little he can do for my physically. He does more than he realizes just talking to me and being the clear head in our relationship.

2007-08-08T21:02:00.000-04:00

8/8/07 9:00 p.m.

So, I've been catching some flack for not posting sooner. :-) Our lives have been absolutely out of control over the last 2 weeks, but it seems to be slowing down a bit. Lots of doctors appointments, meetings, therapy sessions, and the list goes on.

This past Thursday, Josh spent the day recording a commercial for Mary Free Bed. We thought it would be an easy way to show our appreciation for what they have done for Josh, a real "quick" tape. We were so very wrong! When the cars and trucks started pulling in, you'd think that we were taping a movie in Hollywood. These people take their jobs very seriously! :-) There were so many lights and power cords, we blew breakers! There was a hair and makeup person, a gaffer (who used one of Josh's wheelchairs to move the camera), and many other people you would expect. Lunch was catered in. The whole situations was quite comical- not quite what we were expecting. We had a great time getting to know new people and spending some time with friends from MFB. The commercial will be running on the major network channels during the news and those kind of shows. You'll have to watch for it.

Josh has had an okay week. He has had many ups and downs, times where he is feeling encouraged and times when he is more than frustrated. He made a grilled cheese sandwich for OT today (with some assistance) and it took an hour. After he was done, he was quiet and asked if he would ever really use a skill like that. Just trying to open a bag of bread is a huge task. To get the butter open, he slammed his hands on either side of the big butter container and the top popped off (along with some extra butter). That was pretty ingenious. He continues to work at getting stronger- lifting weights, doing prone exercises with his shoulders and those sorts of things. His PT is on vacation this week so it's a bit different than usual. (Happy Birthday Kristy!) Josh has continued to stay up waaaaaay to late playing his beloved computer games. Some friends of his caught wind of how much he was enjoying Sim City so they blessed him with a few more! :-) Thanks guys... I think! :-)

All of the kids are doing well. Ephram is sleeping better at night. He now usually has a 6 hour span where he sleeps without waking up. This is much more manageable. He did sleep all afternoon so we are hoping he will still sleep tonight! He is smiling all the time and starting to laugh. He is getting quite the little personality and we are having so much fun with him! We had some family pictures taken the other day, and he would not cooperate. Oh well. If you happen to see the pic, you'll have to take note of the little boy with the flailing arms- he would not sit still!

I have had my ups and downs as well. I sometimes wonder how people learn to live like this the rest of their lives. There is not a moment's peace around here if we are trying to stay on top of everything. Sometimes I just forget the cleaning and am happy if the house is somewhat picked up. I have taken to going to bed before Josh and getting up when he is ready for bed. This way, we both get the sleep we want and neither of us is waiting on the other. If he goes to bed when I'm ready, he's awake for a few hours before he's ready to sleep. If I stay awake until he's ready for bed, I'm an absolute grump the next day! This momma needs more sleep!

I have been in prayer over where God wants to use us after this accident. I am starting to feel him leading me in a specific direction so we will see where that takes us. Josh is still praying and wondering how God wants to use him in this whole ordeal. He is speaking at Daybreak on Sunday. So far, this is how he has been telling people his story. On Sunday, he will be speaking on pain. God has allowed us to experience quite a bit and hopefully his words reach others for Christ.

Even in the midst of all this, God continues to bless our family and we are thankful for the life we share together. We continue to go through many challenges and changes and are still trying to figure out how this whole thing works, but we are thankful to do it together.

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING

-Patience with all the difficulties Josh faces daily

-Spiritual growth and a reliance on God through this trial

2007-08-01T21:00:00.000-04:00

8/1/07 11:45 p.m.

Today was the 2 year anniversary since Ava went to heaven. The day was very similar to today, here in West Michigan. It was in the low 90's and not a cloud in the sky. I remember sitting on the hill in front of our house on Auburn, with my mom, waiting for the paramedics to give us updates on their attempts at CPR. I remember the sun beating down on us and being aware of the heat but not really feeling it. That day forever changed who I was. I went from being a carefree, innocent mother of three to who I am today. So, who am I? I'm still figuring that one out. I know I am no longer carefree- I spent many nights checking on my three living children, making sure all are breathing. When you find your child like I found Ava, your innocence is forever lost. I miss that innocence but also treasure the changes that have taken place. I now know that no matter how bad things get, I can still rely on God. When things are so bad you don't think you can take another breath, he is often the most real thing you feel. It's when things start to feel a bit more normal that the desperation of needing God seems a bit less poignant. I know that I pray for my kids so much more than I did before we lost Ava. I never felt like I didn't pray for them, I just know how desperately they need it now. I feel honored to be able to go before a God who loves my children more than I and has all of our best interests in mind.

Today was a day of traditions that are just beginning. This being only the second anniversary, we are still trying to feel out what we think is important to do on this day. We went to the cemetery, let off pink balloons, talked about what we remember the most about Ava, and prayed. All of our kids were climbing all over her headstone and posing for pictures. Ephram never made it out of the car, he was taking his afternoon nap. I brought him out to the cemetery a few weeks ago so he has already "met" his sister. We then went out to Grand Haven and sat outside at a local burrito joint and just spent time together. The kids enjoyed running around in the sand and just being together. After this, everyone else went swimming and Josh and I headed off on a walk and got some ice cream. After nearly passing out from heat stroke, we decided to find someplace air conditioned and headed off to see a movie. We had a nice time together and had some time to ourselves to just talk.

Tomorrow is a busy day so need to head off to bed. I did want to mention some close friends of ours who are in desperate need of our prayers. I know how many of you pray for us when you read this so I thought I would put this out into blog land. Tiffany and Jason are in Ohio, adopting a baby who was just born at 24 weeks. You can imagine all the implications of a baby born this early. Isaac continues to fight but they all need prayer. You can visit their blog at tiffanyandjason@blogspot.com Hopefully the link works, I've never tried to create one like this before (and I'm not the most computer savvy girl on the planet). Much love to you all.

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING!!! GOD IS STILL ABLE

-guidance in regards to moving to a new house

-for God to show us where to go from here, what does he want us to be doing in regards to this ministry we are setting up?

2007-07-29T20:43:00.000-04:00

7/29/07 11:20 p.m.

We have another very busy week coming up. I am trying to gear up- attempting to catch up on some sleep and working on having a positive attitude. I have felt overwhelmed more than not as of late. It's frustrating to feel like I cannot keep up or remember everything I am supposed to be doing or getting done. I continue to get a ton of help but am slowly taking control of our lives again, one task at a time.

Josh had a tough weekend. It seems like numerous things happened that have been like a small slap in the face. Many things are happening around us that are wonderful, but for Josh it is bittersweet. It's like a reminder of the things that he can no longer participate in or is no longer able to do. Some friends of ours moved into Eastown over the weekend which is a wonderful thing. They live about a 2 minute drive from our old house. Josh was saying that we should still be living in the old house and walking back and forth to the others house. We had so many plans, and so many of those plans have changed over the last six months. The way he describes it is "bittersweet".

It's funny that he described his feelings yesterday as bittersweet because that is exactly how I feel in regards to Ava. Wednesday will be two years and the best word to describe my feelings is bittersweet. Bitter because she is no longer with us but sweet for the time we had with her. Sweet for the fact that she is in such a better place than any of us are. Sweet that God decided to take her home and that she never had to experience the pain of this earth or the heartaches that come along with it. Although I wish every day that she was with us, I know she is in a much better place than me.

The kids were gone over the weekend with some friends. Zoe has been hesitant to go away from home but was very excited for this trip because they have a pool!!! I called on Saturday thinking I would be picking them up but she wanted to stay "one more sleep". So, they came home today. They also were able to go to our old church in Kalamazoo and see Jonah, a great friend of the two of them. I love it when they enjoy spending time with their little friends. They are growing up so fast!

I am one tired momma and have little to say tonight, so I'll sign off early. Much love and God bless.

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING

-Our emotional health and patience levels

-spiritual growth through this journey

2007-07-27T20:42:00.000-04:00

7/27/07 9:30 p.m.

We've had a very busy week. I'm really glad it's the weekend and that we may have a few moments to relax. The past few days have been a whirlwind of doctors appointments, therapy sessions, meetings and the like. Josh had a good week- for that we are thankful! With his new computer, he has downloaded a version of Sim City. This is a video game of sorts he is able to play. For those of you unfamiliar with this game, it is a simulation game where you build your own city, have to earn and spend money, and try to get it to grow. Because it does not take quick hand movements, he is able to do this. He stayed up late two nights this week playing. It's nice for him to find something like this to enjoy.

Zoe and Ephram had their well-baby checks. Both got three shots. Ephram screamed bloody murder and Zoe was so brave. Her poor little lip stuck out so far and her eyes filled with tears, but she kept blinking them back. Why is it when your kids seem so helpless you love them all the more? After we were done she says, "that wasn't so bad!" I was so proud of how she behaved, knowing what was happening.

Josh went to a doctor's appointment today to see if he is a candidate for Lasik. Because he is unable to take his glasses on and off and clean them, he is very tired of them. He also smudges them easily when trying to push them back up his face. Anyway, the doctor said he is a great candidate and is scheduled to have it done August 23. We are very excited. He says he will also feel like he looks a bit more like himself without his glasses. Before the accident, he never wore his glasses, except around the house. He was a contact man, but, for some reason, he doesn't trust for me to put them in! :-)

Therapy continues for Josh. He continues to work on sliding board transfers, weight lifting and lots of functional skills. Today, he worked at looking up a number in the phone book and then he got a pop out of a pop machine. These tasks may seem a bit ridiculous to work at, but this is how we find out what he is capable of and what we need to work on. A lot of the time, we have to work on balance so he can do the task at hand and balance in his chair. Without any abdominal muscles, he has to work on his balance a TON! Thinking back to a few months ago, he has come so far. He is able to do things with his hands and arms and still maintain his balance in his chair. A few months ago, he sat in his chair with a belt around his chest to keep him upright. But, no longer.

Today was a tough day. Actually, the last few days have been tough. When I get so busy trying to get phone calls placed, papers organized, insurance dealt with, kids loved on, husband loved on, and the basics of running a household, I can quickly become discouraged. I have running lists everywhere, yet they never seem to be quite completed.

On Wednesday, August 1st, Ava will have been gone two years. It's shocking how much are life has changed. Two years ago today, Ava was still here with us and Josh was still walking. Much has been very hard but there has been much joy. It's odd to think that Ephram would not be here if Ava were still alive. He has brought us so much joy. He is smiling so much in the mornings and still being a little fussy-pants in the evening. :-) He's a little bugger and we wouldn't have it any other way!

The two older kids are gone overnight, so I'm heading to bed early. Good night!

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Josh's fingers and triceps

-Stability (emotional, physical, financial, etc) for our family- God continues to bless us here!

2007-07-23T20:40:00.000-04:00

7/23/07 11:15 p.m.

Wow, two blogs in two days! Is anyone out there impressed? :-) I know I have dropped off some as things are not changing as quickly as they were earlier in our journey. I write today to let you know that God answers prayer. Today we received a check from Blue Cross for our med flight from Cancun to Miami!!!! God is good and he hears our prayers! When we got the call today that they would covering the flight, my mom and I were screaming. I called PT Kristy and her first word was "Hallelujah!". We are so thankful.

Another reason to be thankful: God has put us in touch with some amazing men and women of God. We met with them at length in regards to building. We will be having another meeting on Thursday when many more details will be coming. Know this- God is providing for us beyond what we could ever dream. Even when I am so frustrated I could just sit down and cry, God is still there. He is orchestrating so much in our lives. For those of you who may doubt the goodness of God's people, you need only look at our situation. The people of God continue to be used by God and amaze and bless us beyond measure. God is good.

So all these great things are happening so why did I have such a hard day? I don't know. I called my mom tonight and said of all these great things that are happening, why do I feel so poopy? Maybe it's because we're getting close to 2 years since we lost Ava, maybe it's because Josh is still not walking, maybe it's because Ephram is being a fussy-pants, maybe it's because I'm sleep deprived. Hmmmm. I guess that I'll just have to accept not knowing and be thankful for the many blessings in my life and not the struggles.

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING!!!

-meeting on Thursday regarding building

-emotional stability for all

2007-07-22T20:37:00.000-04:00

7/22/07 11:05 p.m.

We had a nice weekend with lots of friends and had an amazing time at the golf outing. All in all, it was a good weekend. The golf outing started out bright and early, but we didn't go until lunchtime. The weather could not have been more amazing and I could never have dreamed of all the people who would come out and support us. My uncle put in an amazing amount of work and (as far as I could tell) it went off without a hitch. Josh was so encouraged by it and his feeling encouraged is hard to come by!

We had friends over on Friday night and had some deep discussions about life. The guy who came over experienced the death of his mother just a hair over a month ago. It was very unexpected and has been very difficult. It got us talking about how, until something like this happens in your life, you always feel like you're invincible and nothing bad will ever happen to you. You also think that if it happens to someone close to you, you're chances are greatly decreased. It was a really screwed up conversation, fatalistic to say the least, yet a very real conversation. It's great to have friends that you can talk with about the very real things in life, even when they're difficult to talk about.

Last night was another night with friends. We had sushi around the table together and enjoyed each other's company. Things were light and carefree all night. We had a lot of good laughs and didn't want the night to end, so they spent the night. The morning was a lazy morning of coffee, gorgeous weather, and laid back conversation. We had a great late afternoon lunch and then headed off to church together. The service was great and Ephram stayed in the nursery the entire service. This is nice to feel like a part of the service again after spending the last few months in the nursery with him. We sang "Amazing Grace" and it had a great extra part I had never heard before. This song always speaks so strongly to my heart and makes me more aware of how we truly have to trust God with everything. When I sing "it is well with my soul", do I truly mean this or is this just what I was raised to sing? It definitely challenges me and causes me to take what I sing more seriously.

We have a meeting tomorrow in regards to building a new house. We are praying that God makes his will clear during this meeting. More info to come later.

Wednesday, Josh went to the Y and did end up going swimming. He felt like a spectacle, getting into the water, and he said that was very difficult. We used a flotation device around his neck and another around his waist. After a while we put a swim noodle under his knees and he worked on putting his arms above his head. Towards the end of the session, the OT and PT decided to turn Josh over, face down, in the water. After the experience of nearly drowning in the water, you can imagine Josh's trepidation. They turned him over and he tried to get back over. He quickly started shaking his head NO and we turned him back over. He was pretty shaken up but went right back at it. After a few minutes of coaching and strategizing, they turned him over a few more times. He never got himself back over independently, but he did make progress. After we were finished, he said how "crazy" (his words, not mine) it is that if someone put him in the water and didn't help him, he would die. Pretty scary stuff but we're glad that the first water experience is now under our belt.

I am now heading off to bed and pray that Ephram sleeps well tonight. We has had the pukies and so he has been out of sorts. He seems much better today.

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING

-our building meeting tomorrow at 3:30

-emotional well-being as a family

6 months

2007-07-17T20:35:00.000-04:00

7/17/07 11:00 p.m.

A big praise! Josh got all of his computer equipment with all the adaptations! If you know Josh, you know he is a bit of a computer geek (makes me love him all the more!). Anyway, he now has a new laptop (he's sad it's not a mac but what do you do?) voice recognition software that is amazing, and numerous other pieces of equipment to help him navigate the computer. I keep hearing him say "scratch that" which tells the computer to delete or undo what it just did. He is also able to turn everything on and off with voice commands. In the near future he will start posting also. Right now he is getting to know how the whole thing works so he may need a few days.

Our kids went to Grand Haven to camp in G & G's trailer. Noah did not go to sleep until quarter to one last night. Little stinker! They are having a blast. Holly is also out there in the pop-up camper with her three kids so our kids have plenty of playmates. Hopefully it will be nice enough to go swimming in the lake tomorrow. It's been a bit overcast and rainy today.

I'm going blueberry picking with a friend in the morning. Because I don't have all three kids with me, I thought it would be a good time. I'll carry Ephram in his sling. I love blueberry picking time. I haven't gone in a few years and I'm looking forward to it. I'm also looking forward to all the blueberry pancakes and blueberry pies to follow. I grew up eating frozen blueberries so I figure our kids should do the same!

Josh has had a few good days. Your prayers make a huge difference! We are both feeling a bit more encouraged the past few days. I have spent some extra time in the Word this past day and a half with the kids being gone. Why does it seem like I have no time to spend reading my Bible and sitting quietly and praying, and then things go haywire. I do have a few minutes a day to check friends blogs and check my e-mail. Hmmm... maybe I need to look at my priorities. God has sustained us through two major trials and continues to do so, yet when I feel a little better, I get complacent. Sorta screwed up but true none the less. Ephram is listening to mommy read Lamentations aloud to him while he eats in the middle of the night (good thing Josh is a hard sleeper). Maybe not the most encouraging for an 8 week old but he'll survive! :-)

Josh is going to be swimming at the YMCA tomorrow. He is NOT looking forward to it but his therapists think it is important. We have finally run out of excuses and will have to do it. With his usual sarcasm he says, "What am I going to do? Kick my legs?" Funny guy huh? Anyway, we are not sure of the goal we are working towards, but they haven't let us down yet.

Speaking of our therapists, they are amazing. MFB could not be a better place for Josh to heal. Every person we were put in touch with while there were incredible. It seems as though the people they hire are a step above every other nursing establishment we have worked with since this accident. Every time I am unsure of why we are doing what we are doing, it becomes clear in a life skill. For example, when Josh started working at sliding board transfers, I realized all of the things he had already learned prior to putting it to use. He had strengthened the muscles needed to move his body (lifting weights), worked at balancing his body while sitting up (bouncing a balloon back and forth while sitting up), and many other tasks. Every time I think we have plateaued and progress seems hard to come by, something exciting happens that Josh is able to do that he wasn't able to earlier. Even though new muscles have not come back as of late, he is figuring out how to do so much more with what he does have. This makes me proud of him.

My husband is amazing. The things he has gone through the past 6 months, no one should have to. Yet, he continues to try and have a positive attitude, still encourages me non-stop, and is an amazing dad even when he thinks he is not capable. Just because he cannot pick up Ephram makes him no less of a father. Every time I put Ephram's head up to Josh's face and Josh is talking to him and kissing on him, Ephram quiets right down. He knows his daddy's voice.

Well, it is now officially after midnight (I got a little sidetracked) and today is 6 months since Josh's accident. Half a year has come and gone and we are all still breathing. So much has changed since January the 18th, yet God remains faithful...

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING

-spiritual growth and encouragement

-Josh's triceps

2007-07-14T20:31:00.000-04:00

7/14/07 11:45 p.m.

I know, I know, it's been a while. No good excuses, just lots of busyness and lots of emotional stress. The past 10 days have been the hardest for Josh emotionally since his accident. We spent almost one entire night up talking, crying and not sure where to go from here. So, a little background information. Not many changes in Josh's condition over the last month or so. He continues to get stronger with the muscles he has but nothing new has come back. What it really comes down to is Josh is losing hope. Hope that he will ever walk again. At least on this earth. Hope that God's plan for his life is to heal him. What if God's plan is to use this injury to bring him glory but to keep Josh in a chair for the rest of his life? We know what the chances are medically speaking. We are VERY aware of them but we also choose to concentrate on the power of God. We know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is capable of healing Josh. Be it overnight or in small increments. We don't really care how it happens, we just plead with God to do so. We also know that Josh will walk again- no doubt. We just desire him to walk during this lifetime and not before his new body when we get to heaven. Did that make sense? If you are not a Christian, you probably think I'm a little crazy in the head. :-)

Hope keeps us going. What does one do when hope is lost? This is terrifying for Josh. We read in many places that it takes 5-7 years to get to a point where you accept your limitations and move on. When we lost Ava, everyone said it would take 2 years for life to start a new sense of normal. We were finally getting to that point after 18 months. It was such a freeing feeling. A feeling of thankfulness to God for carrying us through the valley and getting us through the other side. The average of 5-7 years seems like a lifetime from now. We cannot think of it this way but continue to take it a day at a time.

Emotionally speaking, Josh has it so much harder than me. But he also has the power to try and make the changes he shoots for: to get stronger and tackle therapy, to keep up with electrically stimulating his muscles, to choose to have a good attitude and the list goes on and on. I feel powerless when he is struggling. When he feels defeated, I have to listen to him cry, feel him wrestle with his body when he is angry and not being able to move, and try and be the stable person in his life. I want to scream, cuss, spit, throw things, and be angry in general when he is upset. I want him to know how mad I am too, not to be the one to try and keep things in perspective. He needs me to encourage him, to put him to bed, to rub his sore shoulders, to quiet his leg spasms, to give him his meds, to feed him, to pray with him, to pray for him, to just be his wife. I want to be angry and be allowed to be angry for more than a few minutes. To be allowed to stomp out of the house and run away for a day. To not have to be the responsible one. If I don't get up with him in the middle of the night when he's dysreflexic, who will? Who loves him like I do? Only God could love him more and he's not the one getting up in the middle of the night to turn Josh. I need to be here. I need to be the one to love Josh when he needs me most. To be the support that he needs. To be there for him, for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or in health. These were my promises and I meant them. I just never imagined us to be here.

In the middle of the night the other night, we talked about our God. Who is this God we serve? When Josh was in the hospital in Miami, God was so close we felt like we could touch him. His nearness was palpable. The comfort he gave beyond words. That God is no less real. The God we know right now is sovereign, powerful, mighty. The God of comfort seems far away even though he is no further than he was 5 and a half months ago. Why does it feel different now? Our "God of all comfort" is near, yet we continue to hurt. We continue to wonder how to make it to the next day.

Nighttime is better the last 2 weeks. Since figuring out the dysreflexia issues, sleep is more consistent. Fat feet are becoming more of a norm too because Josh cannot have his feet up all night. Fat feet lead to tight shoes and blisters. Blisters are discouraging. Night spasms are keeping Josh awake and causing his legs to jump on and off all night long. This also leads to blisters on his heels. Now he can only wear slippers or the shoes we cut he backs off of. He is tired of this. All these things continue to be something Josh has to deal with.

Not much luck with Blue Cross. I don't thing they like us! :-) I think they have caller I.D. and put the rudest person on the phone with me when I call. They probably don't like me arguing with them. Oh well, they have my money and I'm going to fight for it!

We did find out Josh can get a power chair through Medicaid so he will be getting a power chair. Just not the one to afford him all the independence he was hoping to accomplish with the I-BOT. We know that if God wants him in that chair, it will work out.

A few comments from people have led me to believe that the story of Josh's accident was never fully explained so I thought I would take a moment before I close and give some background info for those of you who never heard the whole story:

The whole story actually begins almost 2 years ago on August 1st of 2005. The day we lost our daughter Ava. She was sleeping in her bedroom on the second floor when the box fan, meant to cool her room, fell out of the window and into her crib. It pinned her face into the mattress and suffocated her. I never heard a thing on the baby monitor. Around 1 p.m. I went upstairs to wake her up and found her under the fan. I performed CPR for 7 minutes before the paramedics arrived and continued to try and revive her. After 45 minutes, they pronounced our little girl dead. Josh was not home. He found out on the phone on his way home to meet us. We got to hold her before they brought her to the funeral home and say goodbye together. It was horrible but wonderful to see our little girl one last time. We buried her in Allendale, under a beautiful tree where the breeze always seems to blow.

After much thought and prayer, we decided to try and have another baby. We found out in October we were expecting and we were soooo excited. This led to us deciding to have one last vacation before the baby arrived. Enter Cancun.

We arrived in Cancun on January 18. Our rooms were not ready when we arrived so we threw our bags into a room and headed to the beach. We laid around on the beach for about 20-30 minutes before the boys got restless and decided to go for a walk down the beach. After only walking a few hundred feet, they decided to go into the water. The waves were huge and there was a big drop off into the deeper water very quickly. Josh stood in the water, just above his knees, where the waves were crashing. He dove into one of the massive waves, a surface dive, and was turned upside down where his head hit the bottom. He was immediately paralyzed. He was not knocked out and knew immediately something was very wrong. He tried to get up to the surface of the water to breathe but was unable. Brad (our friend, along with his wife Sarah, who were vacationing with us) thought he was joking. After watching for a few seconds realized something was really wrong. He arrived to Josh at the same time as the lifeguard. They very carefully removed his body from the water. By this time he was unconcious and had swallowed lots of salt water. While getting him on the beach, he started coughing up the water and came to on his own. A crowd gathered around him and this is what Sarah noticed. We got up to check out the commotion and I realized it was Josh. From the looks of his face, his color and the way his legs moved as the waves hit his legs on the shore, I was convinced something was very wrong. The paramedics came and brought us to a hospital in Cancun. While in the ambulance, Josh said over and over, "Get me out of here. Get me out of here." He was meaning out of Mexico and back to the U.S. We arrived at the hospital and his oxygen saturation levels were very low, even with oxygen. This is because of all the water in his lungs and losing the muscles in his abdomen and around his lungs to breathe. His diaphragm was doing all the work to breathe. They immediately put in a breathing tube and took X-Rays and a CT scan. It was obvious that he has broken his C5 vertebrae into 3 pieces. After deciding it was not compressing on his spinal cord, they said we could fly. We took a med flight on a Lear jet to Miami, about 12 hours after the accident. We arrived in Miami, my parents meeting us at the entrance to the ER (they were vacationing only about 45 minutes from Miami) Josh in a drug-induced coma. After a crazy day of everyone from home arriving in Miami, we found out that the bones were compressing his spinal cord and he needed emergency surgery. The surgery went well. After he got out of the surgery was the first time I could breathe and feel like he might survive. All of the doctors kept talking about "life-threatening" infections. Many of the doctors were amazed he had survived in the water and survived on his way to the hospital, now he had to beat the infections that would present themselves because of swallowing all the sandy salt-water. Those infections never arrived. God saved Josh for a purpose. After 2 weeks in Miami, we took another med flight into Grand Rapids (I have never been happier to be home in all my life!) and went straight to Mary Free Bed Rehab Hospital. Josh spent almost 3 months there.

You know the rest of the story, at least as far as it has been played out. We have now moved to a new home on the west side of Grand Rapids. God continues to protect our family. Seven weeks ago, a little boy named Ephram joined our family. He has brought us great joy, but will never be a replacement for Ava. We continue down this road, wondering where God will lead us and what he will be doing next...

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING!

-Emotional stability and healing

-Guidance in helping our children cope with all the changes they have gone through